Another survey stolen from a stolen survey

1. Do you know anyone in prison?

If sunlight committed a crime would it go to prism?

2. Have you ever logged on to someone else’s myspace?

No. BTW what idiot would admit to A) being a hacker and B) hacking 13-year-old Ashley’s page of pink unicorns?

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?

Year ago.

4. Do you have a desk in your room?

No, the computer floats in mid-air.

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?

Sadly, no.

6. What kind of car do you have?

A piece of sh*t but it’s all I have.

7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents?

I don’t know. I was an orphan before I was born.

8. Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you?

There is no one that fits that description.

9. Do you throw up gang signs?

No, I’ve never eaten them.

10. Have you ever broken a rib?

Only at dinner.

11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?

Apparently the choice has been made for me, and I must be happy with it, since I like teh pron.

12. Who is the most spoiled person you know?

Even the most spoiled people I know do so with their own money, so I can only condemn them for not appreciating what they have.

Alternate answer: all women a “7” and higher in looks.

13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?

The money. All love but God’s love is crap, and God is too good at hiding to worry about God either.

14. Have you ever had sex in a church?

No, but I’ve prayed in a strip club.

15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine?

No. And the Marines don’t allow boy/girl soldiers. Yet.

16. Do you watch the Grammys?

Oh yeah, every time I pass the retirement home I wave to the grannies.

18. Which one word would describe your last relationship?

Non-existent.

19. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger than you or 20 years older than you?

Whomever has bigger tits.

20. Have you ever had an eating disorder?

Yes. When the watiress messed up, I said, “Hey, dis-order ain’t right, bee-yawtch!”

21. Do you have a porn collection?

Yes. Did you know when you collect over 1000 “Whore Points” you win a real whore? I have 999.

22. How many proms have you been to in your life?

As a participant, sadly, none. As a sniper, sadly, also none.

23. Have you ever been in an interracial relationship?

No. But I would if she has big tits (surprise).

24. Is your birthday on a holiday?

Yes, my birthday. <–someone else’s clever answer…I can’t top it.

25. Are you old enough to vote?

The question should be, are you mature enough to vote. No one is.

26. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?

The war for everyday survival, yes. Sandland urban warfare? No one personally. We cannot repay either debt.

28. Do you worry about global warming?

You mean GORE-BULL warming? F–k no. We’re overdue for another Ice Age, and not the crap films with Ray Romano’s voice “talent”.

29. Do you like polar bears?

Until they sold out in those lameass Coke commercials.

30. Have you ever been cheated on?

I have been cheated by life, period.

31. Do you own anything officially issued by the military?

Yes. Was that info helpful?

32. What slang word(s) do you call marijuana?

Isn’t every word a code word for pot now? Yeah, I like turnip juice (wink)

33. Are you an atheist?

Used to be until God gave me a restraining order.

34. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor?

Unless I was unaware I was living next door to a Puerto Rican brothel, no.

35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?

It takes a child to believe that shit.

36. Do you wear your sweetie’s clothes?

I’m a stalker, not a cross-stalker.

37. What’s your opinion on gold diggers?

Kanye West made a fun song based on them.

38. Are you a country or city girl/boy?
Straight.

39. Is your car a 2002 or higher?
My car doesn’t run on turnip juice (wink)

40. Do you want to hit something?

I just PUNCHED the keys.

Now my added questions:

41. How many of these lame questions are you going to answer before you start to tear out your hair/eyes?

Tear out my eyes? Guess you have to if you’re bald.

and the final question:

43. If you took a train leaving Chicago…

I’d have to be a giant to carry it.