yet another stolen survey

1.How old will you be in 3 birthdays?

It’s not the years in your life, it’s the life in your years! (If gay, change “years” to “queers”).

2. Do you think you’ll be married by then?

Not unless she’s 99, owns half of Florida, has a heart condition yet loves to hear me CRASH my cymbals.

3. What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months?

Being thinner or dead.

4. Who was the last person you called?

Lassie.

5. Have you ever played a team sport?

Yes. Masturbation.

6. Who was the last person to text you?

A ‘roid user, dumber than me but he gets laid more. To hell with him.

7. Who was the last person you hugged?

My dick.

8. What were you doing at midnight last night?

This.

9. What happened at 11:00 a.m. today?

The Universe exploded and reassembled and no one noticed.

10. How many states have you visited?

State of drunkeness, state of rage, state of confusion, state your intentions and never ask her to state her age.

11. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?

In Tallahasee, cashing in a winning lottery ticket.

12. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?

Bare socks.

13. When was the last time you cried?

I cried wolf 3 weeks ago, cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war last week, and have never seen The Crying Game.

14. What was the last thing you drank?

Liquid water.

15. Favorite ice cream?

The next one.

16. What is your favorite number?

Blue.

17. Whats your favorite colour?

13.

18. What Jelly do you put on your PBJ?

Depending on where I put it, grape or KY.

19. Do you like coffee?

Sure. I also like big tits, but not in the coffee, though the tits can squirt milk now and then and milk is good in coffee.

20. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?

I don’t wear glasses.

21. What do you drink in the morning?

Diet Mountain Piss.

22. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring?

Is my penis already inside her?

23. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?

Yeah, on the outside. <– that is (also) a perfect answer!!

24. Do you know how to play poker?

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. Alternate: “No, but if you hum the tune I might remember it”.

25. Whats so good about Fridays?

Nothing any more.

26. Any plans for this week?

Work a shit job to make someone else rich. Continue being a nigger @ work and coward @ the game of life.

27. Do you eat out or at home more often?

Both.

28. How big is your TV?

How deep is your love?

29. Ever stolen a street sign?

There’s a “Neighborhood Watch” sign in the closet.

30. Do you keep a piggy bank?

It got burned in a fire…now it’s a bacon bank.

31. What kind of camera do you have?

I have a picture of a camera.

32. Have you ever been in an ambulance?

No. Ambulance Armstrong: that’s a weird name.

33. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?

A shot glass.

34. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?

I prefer the wing seat…lots of airflow.

35. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?

You mean masturbate? sure.

Hail Motel Todd!

Motel Todd.

At AHA he was the one I felt experienced the most: drugs, sex, jobs, women, hell. I wouldn’t dare put a dime in the jukebox of his suffering, I feel like I’ve lived whole other lifetimes flipping through his selections: more and more drugs, depraved sex, horrible jobs, evil or lost women, nonstop hell, each one a dart thrown at your face, all at once.

He’s a damned good writer. He should take the sum of his writings from AHA and bind a book. Howington tells me Todd’s submitted shit was always illegible and riddled with typos, but between the two of them the final product always gleamed.

I don’t believe what Todd believes about politics, but I don’t judge him or his writing. Can the following statement be any more generic: his experiences shaped his valid point of view. Dat’s dat.

What will Todd do with his seed of greatness, plop it in a pipe and smoke it? Wash it down with a beer? (Hopefully he’s not pounding them like the good old days).

The choice is his.

This has been my hail of Motel Todd. Read his shit. It’s good.

Link to Motel Todd’s Dildo Misanthrope

Some funny YTMNDs

How could this happen to me?

GET UP.

30 seconds in my head

Two workouts in one day – yeah right, blanco nino

Of course I didn’t get up and go the gym this morn before work…that’s insanity. But I did have a delightful workout in the evening.

Much to my amazement, arriving just a half-hour early made a huge difference…only 3 or 4 jerks were in the gym and they soon left, leaving me with thousands of square feet of space to myself. I put them to good use.

I’ve been super-pissed about gaining back some weight I’d lost…to my credit it took a lot of “work” to gain it back…whole pizzas and hamburgers and shakes over a week of lying there watching The Sniper Channel on Tivo.

By the end of October I hope to be a minimum of 10 pounds lighter. If I’m close, I could always cut off my head.

Update:  A few months later I did workout twice in one day.  Overrated.  Ha ha ha