I wrote porn scripts in which people happen to have sex

You could write porn scripts dude!  —Motel Todd, referring to this.

In the late 90s I did get paid a partial sum for helping to rewrite a porn script.  Once.  And for a time I foolishly did think writing “art film” scripts was my way In.  But c’mon…the closed-circle porn community has their own 3 or 4 hacks they always use:  why hire new for a job anyone can do?  Use the doofs you have. 

And they did.

I visited Jawn-Luke, a minor porn director, to discuss writing an original script based on a Highlander-type character (he LOVED the title:  EXXXcelsior).

The meeting took place in those halcyon months before “Phantom Menace” premiered, when no one yet knew how badly it would suck.  Jawn-Luke was stoked about seeing the new Star Wars and so was I, but of the two of us in his living room, only one thought X-rated gigs were stepping stones to becoming the next Spielberg; all porn directors seemed to share this delusion, maybe because Francis Coppola made the jump to legit-speed from porn. 

My favorite all-time quote from these directorial dweebs, one they must have passed around more than the latest Asian butt-slut off the boat:  We don’t make ‘fuck films’, we tell stories in which people HAPPEN to have sex.”  Oh yes.  They truly believe this.

As for our business, Jawn-Luke seemed earnest but clueless about what he wanted.  He was reading too much into these things; it was because of him I finally saw the excellent Casablanca as well as a turd called The Last Tycoon, based on an unfinished F. Scott Fitzgerald novel.

I left Jawn-Luke’s house–no opulent mansion but a paid-for house nonetheless in LA, quite an achievement–more jealous than anything.   I finally decided he was a callow fool who didn’t deserve his meager credit, though I never intended to keep his lent personal copy of Highlander 2. 

No, Todd, there’s no money in writing scripts for pornographers.  The explosion of “gonzo” porn is further evidence linear porn storytelling is no longer the dominant form.

My deep-seated resentment of pornographers remains, though I use their product and will continue to do so.

Tags: foolishness, Phantom menace, porn, pornographers, pron directors, scriptwriting, sex