Archive for December 14th, 2007

Christmas Forever – A One-Act Poem

Friday, 14 December 2007

“Was Mrs. Claus ever young and hot? She’s always 80-years-old in the imagery.”

“Eighty and baking cookies.”

“Didn’t Santa get any good pussy? Was he always old?”

“If Santa was young, all he’d do was chase women.”

“He has complete control of space-time, like the Jap on Heroes.”

“Old, young, Santa doesn’t need to make excessive demands of the Missus. He’s got the Naughty List. “

“And the elves.”

“How tired is Mrs. Claus of jokes about Santa’s ‘Magic Candy Cane’?”

“Elf pussy? Holy shit. We better stop now.”

“Fuck it, I know what list I’m on. Might as well be a coal miner.”

Pilfered survey

Friday, 14 December 2007

1. Who has your heart?
My ribcage.  And God has a version in his sniper scope.

2. Perfect relationship?
Women and chocolate or women and shoes.  everything else is doomed.

3. Which is more romantic: flowers or candy?
Thai hooker massages.

4. Are you wearing any jewelry?
There’s a keyboard on my fingers.

5. Did you enjoy your last kiss?
Yes.  It was Hershey’s.

6. Ever been on TV?
Yes.  The internet too.

7. What did you eat today?
Rice, fake meat, candy, my pride.

8.Do you like mustard?
You mean the gas?  Hell yeah.  Have fun in the trenches.

9. What’s the last thing you bought?
Vending machine mockery.

10. Do you know your Father’s birthday?
Day, yes.  Year, shaky.

11. Where’s the last place you went shopping?
Bookstore.

12. Did you sing in the shower today?
Never.

13. When is the last time you cried?
Can’t recall.  I’d love to but there’s no one home.

14. What is the most irritating thing the opposite sex can do?
Not respect me.

15. What are you doing/did today?
Worked like a nigger for not enough money.  Just like you.

16. What was the last movie you watched?
“300”.  Not enough gore, blood, violence.

17. Is your shirt new?
Ar you that gay?  You might be.

18. Do you live near your ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
There is no such animal.

19. Are you scared of bugs?
Irrational fear of roaches.  They just creep me the fuck out. Spiders, not so much.

20. Are you a cuddler?
Of porn.

22. What do you think of Eminem?
Highly-talented but useless wigger who lost his sauce…his Art left him like Garfunkel.

23. Do you read?
I had to to answer this.

24. Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
I used to have “Baby Pillow”.  I miss him.

25. Last thing that made you cry?
Onions.

26. What’s the last TV show you watched?
CSI Vegas

27. Do you like baseball?
No.  I only watch it for the steroids.

28. Least favorite sport?
Who cares?  We’ll never play it.

29. Last time you went out to eat?
Last Florbsday I had the Super Laxicon Meal at Fucknuts Mcgillicuddy’s.

30. What are you doing tomorrow?
Working like a nigger for not enough money.  Just like you.

31 Where were you yesterday?
Working like a nigger for not enough money.  Just like you.

32. What’s the best feeling?
I hope it’s death.

33. What’s your favorite color?
Blue except for balls.

34. Who was the last person you talked on the phone?
1-800-Goog-411

35. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Nope.

36. What is the last thing you purchased online?
some books

37. Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
I wish I’d swallowed my soul and fucked a ‘sure thing’ in 2001.  I wish I had a second shot with a cheating wife I knew.

38. Did you have fun today?
No.

39. Regret breaking up with any of your ex’s?
N/A

40. What is your GPA?
Poor.

41. What do you know about the future?
It will be filled with Twinkies and horror.

42. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Rush Limbaugh.

43. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
No kids for me.

42.Last person you slept in a bed with?
Erick. <–wouldn’t it be funny if I left someone else’s answer here?

43. Do you like football?
I’d rather watch the “Wood sports” with axe-throwing and hot saws.

44. Last time you ate cereal?
Soon.

45. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
No.

46. Do people hate you?
Not more than I hate zucchini.

47. How often do you give high fives?
Often.  With my feet.  In their faces.

48. The next person you’ll hold hands with, will it mean anything?
Who knows.

49. The last person you held hands with….did it mean anything?
The Tijuana whores don’t care.

50. Do you like your life right now?
No way.

51. What song are you listening to?

52. Does anyone like you?
no.

53. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading.

54.  Done?
I’m just getting started, motherfucker…