Archive for January 21st, 2008

A horrible way to wake up

Monday, 21 January 2008

A horrible way to be jolted from sleep would be having onion rings plucked out of a deep fat fryer and immediately dropped one by one over your morning “piss boner” until it was hidden from view. For someone like me it could take well over an hour (your time may vary) for the stacked burning onion rings to reach the zenith, finally creating a Michelin Man-style penis/onion ring-holder while the hot oil burned everything. And for what?

Phone call, 10PM

Monday, 21 January 2008

Hello, may I please speak to Mr. Gerald McRaney?

Gerald, I represent a concerned group of private citizens
who wanted to ask:  ‘How are you doing?’

That’s good to hear! No, we’re not fans of your work, we just wanted to know if you were all right.

Oh. We pooled our monies to hire a private investigator to acquire your home phone number. It’s unlikely we’ll call again.

Gerald, it’s been great conversing with you but I’ve got get going on my report to the consortium. Have a good evening.

Sleep well.