Archive for January, 2008

McShamnesty wins?

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Tonight John “Shamnesty” McCain won Florida.  What an embarrassment for Republicans to have a @!# Democrat win their primary.

The drive-by media and Democrats are ecstatic.  In RINO McCain they have a near-Obama (or “Faux-bama”) as backup, while on the left side of the aisle there is no DINO (Democrat In Name Only) counterpart.

Of course, Democrats have their own problems.  Hillary beat out Obama, which surprised me.  I don’t like Obama, he’s eloquent hot air and actually votes to the left of Ted “Swim” Kennedy, but between B. Hussein and the Clinton Crime Family, I’ll take the former. 

There is nothing good about the Clintons. 


Fuckfield #40

Tuesday, 29 January 2008



Tuesday, 29 January 2008

FUCKFIELD is now on flickr!  Just click here!  (I recommend the slideshow feature).  This message will repeat itself at the end of the post.

Garfield is an industry, probably a billion dollar one by now, I’m too lazy to look it up.  Creator Jim Davis has a literal warehouse of “artists” drawing the strip, which he then signs off on. He spends his days wheeling and dealing to produce more Garfield crap and crappy movies. I can’t imagine who the hell is buying it all. Maybe 5 strips per year are funny.

Consider yourself officially warned: Fuckfield is vicious anti-PC fun and there will be no apologies to offended parties ever.  The only criterion is whether or not I laughed.

Look, I liked Garfield as a kid, but he got cruel and repetitive. My dream is to get a letter from Jim Davis’s lawyers ordering that I not publish any more Fuckfield strips.

Enjoy Fuckfield. It’s a lot funnier than Garfield. If you need heartwarming, I suggest a blowtorch.

FUCKFIELD is now on flickr!  Just click here!  Keeping its word, this message repeated itself at the end of the post.

Fuckfield #38

Tuesday, 29 January 2008


Fuckfield #30

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Fuckfield #30

Shanghaied Survey

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

1.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
Sad that this question even exists.  In another few years “6 months” will be “one week”.  I hate people.

2. What color are your eyes?
I hate people.

3. What are you doing now?
Still hating people.

4. What is one thing you question a lot?
Why I bother to go on.

5. Do you lead people on?
I have nothing they want, except the robber barons want my $$$.

6. Are you married?

7. Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
I have regretted not working with non-declared whores to get what we both wanted.

8. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?
The government.

9. Do you miss someone?
Yes.  Sniper scope and all.

10. Did any of your friends go out with any of your ex’s?
No.  They weren’t my ex’s tho they’re obviously screwing elsewere with elsers.

11. Are looks important?
Yes, they are the only thing that matters and the least likely to hurt you.  Looks are either fresh or fading, they can fib but not lie for long.

12. What are you wearing(in detail)?
Clothes (in detail).

13. Are you mad at someone right now?
Myself and God.  They are the same.

14. Do you like getting things from others?
Too vague.  I like getting certain things from others.

15. Where do you keep your money?
Don’t have any.

17. How did you wake up this morning?
Upset and resigned.

18. Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?
The one where you’re eating pussy.

19. Quick say a verse from any song?
People say I’m strange does that make me a stranger
My best friend was born in a manger

20. Would you die for someone?
I am already, they just don’t know.

21. Last time in the hospital?
A month ago.

22. How many letters are in your last name?

23. Do you like anyone right now?
Yes.  She is married, not to me.

24. What book did you read last?
Basic Economics.

25. How was your day?
I have today off so it’s better than most.  I dropped shrooms 20 minutes ago.  Effects are minimal.

26. Do you live near any of your friends?
Yes, but when they’re married you add 100 miles.

27. Are you scared of spiders?
No.  Roaches, yes.  Nothing uglier except people in love.

28. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
Yes, I have a large baboon in blackface on my back, holding a Twinkie with a lit fuse in one hand and Anna Nicole Smith’s severed head in the other.  Too bad you can’t see it.

29. How do you walk?
On foot at a time.  Wish I was in a wheelchair so I could tell you how I roll.

30. What do you think of Fergie?
I’d fuck her still-warm corpse and also when she’s alive.

31. Do you believe in love?
Ask love if it believes in me.

32. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
12 (oops, too late).

33. When was the last time you threw up?
Years ago.

34. Do you curse a lot?
Fuck no.

35. What are your favorite books?
The ones I’ve taken baby steps toward writing.

36. Do you hate your last boyfriend/girlfriend?

37. Do you only drink bottled water?
No.  I drink water from cups, glasses and Madonna’s anus.

38. Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I’d rather spend the fucking part with someone else, the rest is negligible.

39. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
If you haven’t killed yourself, you are making your own second chance.  Few others agree with the 2nd chance concept.

40. Would you dance around in your underwear for a million dollars?
I do anyway.  People might pay you to stop.

41. Most hated food?
Why hate it?  Just don’t eat it.

42. Do you wish someone would call you?

43. What is bugging you right now?
My lack of everything.

44. What’s something you wish you could understand better?
How to get money for nothing and chicks for free.

45. If someone doesn’t like you, it’s usually because?
They’re fucking idiots.

47. What are you excited about?

48. Kissed someone in the last 24 hrs?
Yeah, and I just HAD to find a fucking survey to alert strangers to the fact.

49. Have you lost friends in the past years?
yes.  What a way to end this shit.

Dumb bastard sons of whores FOAD

Monday, 28 January 2008

No one who drops snorkel and mask into the sewer of humanity surfaces with an opinion of people better than when they dove. Only the saints and madmen see the illusion for what it is; both interchangeable groups are useless to the world. Miserable grasping human.

My heart will not be still, it swings from attraction to impulse and back, craving like a caffeinated spider monkey. Take a chainsaw to the brain, squeeze the trigger, run it down the middle of the skull until it or you stalls.

A woman masturbates for the camera. Her wide smooth hips cradle one sliding hand, her moans are stained glass in the temple of her orgasm. She is coming, electrons push needles of light into my eyes; she’s coming hard, air vibrates with glass beads. Blood races for the goal, the tip of my prick bursts in a red cloud instead of white. Lava falls into the ocean with a hiss.

I read opinions and insults on the glowing screen, poorly-spelled shockwaves that stir the sludge of my chained life. I long to reach through the line and tear out the throats of this enemy called Fellow Men.

The angels continue to cower. My aunt died and I don’t care. The deaths of the cats will be far worse.

Time again for sleep, for rape. Sleep is rape, yet even as victim I can’t get enough. Exhaustion is perpetual breathing out, never in.

You must be jelqing!

Saturday, 26 January 2008

From wikipedia, with additional editing:

Jelqing is a method to increase penile blood pressure with the goal of permanently increasing the maximum erect size of the penis. This technique, also called “milking”, involves wrapping the thumb and index finger around the penis while semi-erect and repeatedly drawing them away from one’s body to force blood into the glans, thus encouraging more vascularity in the corpus cavernosa and associated tissues. Whether jelqing actually works or not is a subject of controversy.

There is no “controversy”!  If playing with it made it longer every man would have a fire hose down there by the age of 15.

I’m now drinking large quantities of skim milk, hoping they will act as some kind of brain bleach.

“Motivational” Posters

Friday, 25 January 2008

Make your very own here.

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Plato and Women

Thursday, 24 January 2008

Plato was the only man in history who wanted to keep things “strictly Platonic” with the ladies.

One of his favorite pick-up lines was, “Hey baby, you can make it with Plato!”   It never worked.

Women back then had better excuses for missing a date.  Ancient Greece only had dial-up:  if it was cloudy they’d blame the sun-dial.

This concludes our lesson.