Knight Rider TV Movie belongs in junkyard

Fortunately for Hollywood, which has little creativity, people don’t want things to ever change.  Yet the new Knight Rider TV movie has changed the KR formula with additional mediocrity; it’s 10 tons of crap in a 5 ton crate.

It was fun for the first 5 minutes, then they show a young woman surfing on the beach. Later, under the beach shower, the camera locks on her torso and stays there as she unzips her bodysuit. I felt embarrassed; Hasselhoff didn’t even make this an homage to Baywatch, and the young woman’s character turns out to be a pretty but small-breasted Obama-shaded FBI agent. I guess this was a Message that small-breasted female Obama-shaded FBI agents can also be beautiful and feminine and surfers. My review just gave her more character development than the entire movie.

Meanwhile Michael Knight Jr. (why bother making up another last name?) is waking up in bed with a hottie as another hottie comes out of nowhere (probably from taking a piss) to return to the bed, all while the ethnic/nerd roommate is blabbering about loan sharks.

I’m no prude but there’s a time and a place for this kind of thing, and a “family” made-for-TV movie isn’t the place for menage a Maxim whores.

The plot of Knight Rider is there is no plot. The “Black River” mercenaries (a none-too-subtle dig on Blackwater) are trying to steal K.I.T.T.’s inventor’s hard drives so they can “start wars”. Have these assholes seen the news these past, oh, 8 years? There’s plenty of war to go around! Due to the unspoken rule that no more than two White Men can ever be in the same group on TV, an Asian and Black round up the incompetent Black River stooges. Any leftover menace is completely wiped out by the lead stooge who looks exactly like David Spade.

The whole thing was a 2-hour commercial for Ford. Probably thanks to the asshole execs at Ford, worried about the image of their precious car, K.I.T.T. (needlessly voiced by Val Kilmer) does no jumps and no stunts. After seeing whole cars transform into robots last summer, watching a car change paint color is not a “breathtaker”.

Hasselhoff had over 20 years to come up with a clever and fun script and this piece of shit watches like it was written over a weekend. Hoff, we deserved better. Fuck you.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

4 Responses to “Knight Rider TV Movie belongs in junkyard”

  1. Digital Howie Says:

    IT guy at work said it was really really bad. He said KITT was being chased by a Ford Probe and that “the Probe was on his ass the way and KITT is a Ford Cobra? WTF?” I asked him if the whole show was similar to the gluttony of cheesy, really funny now when you watch them ’70s shit, like STARSKY & HUTCH and BARETTA. “Yep,” he nodded. But it’s on again tonite, the 2 hour premier, so I’m gonna try to watch some of it since I like cheesy ’70s TV productions. Plus, the KITT car looks badass, mofo.

  2. meatlights39 Says:

    Yes, KITT looks badass, but he’s a dick. The guy at work is wrong, there’s NO cheesiness AT ALL and no fun, the shit takes itself way too seriously; it’s a commercial for fucking Ford.

  3. Digital Howie Says:

    I watched maybe five minutes of it. Some chick was in the car talking to KITT. She wasn’t even hot. So I changed punched the remote and then forgot to come back to it later.

  4. meatlights39 Says:

    Your mini-review here was better than mine.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: