A survey you’ll actually want to take (or pass along)

44. If you were a yogurt, what yogurt would you be?43. If you could take only one flare gun to a deserted island, what kind of flare gun would it be? One that shoots flares?

42. Ever pee into an active volcano? Non-active?

41. What’s your favorite type of tree? Did it ever talk to you?

42. At what age did you read your parents’ “adult” mags or watch those films?

41. List three people you’d sell into White Slavery and why.

40. If you’re a man, would you prefer your “sinep”-spelled-backwards be longer or thicker?

39. Explain why you lied in your answer to 40.

38. Would you own a laser pointer as hot as the sun? What would you do with it?

37. If you could make one race of people vanish from the earth, explain why you chose Black people, racist!

36. Name a rare or exotic food you failed to try and now regret not trying it.

35. Would you rather be invisible but gay, or like you are now?

34. What’s the one question you would ask God(s) while still alive (you, not God(s)

33. If a close friend kicked a wino to death would you tell the authorities if she said the wino was being a jerk?

32. If you had small, climate-controlled home, would you rather it be in a country where you freeze your ass off for one year or burn up in a super-hot country for one year?

31. If you had a time machine, who would you travel to the past to kick in the balls? DIfficulty level: you can’t choose Hitler.

30. Invent a cereal flavor even Mikey would hate.

29. Name all the promiscuous female friends you know. Include names, addresses and phone numbers…and hell, even email addies.

29. Would you trade your most valuable material possession to bring a childhood pet back from the dead?

28. What movie, toy or book universe would you rather live in?

27. If ALL drugs both legal and illegal were available to buy OTC, which would you choose and why? (Don’t cop out and just type “All” either).

26. Explain why you typed “All” anyway? Did you ever listen to anyone?

25. If you were a punctuation mark, which one would you be?

24. If you could party with any Founding Father, which one would it be? (You don’t know any of them, do you)?

23. If you could shit money up to $600 a day by eating a small bowl of manure, would you and how often?

22. If you could get away with it, would you become “Satan for a Day?” Who would you corrupt?

21. If you could make one kind of animal, either wild or domesticated, able to speak, which would it be?

20. If you could trade one celebrity’s life for another, which two would they be?

21. Would you ever want to visit outer space and a space station? What would you want to do there besides sex?

20. Would you f**k Mrs. Howell if you were stranded on Gilligan’s Island? How long could you hold out before giving in?

19. Would you rather eat an expertly prepared dolphin or a fast food whale? (You get to keep the leftovers).

18. If you’re for the death penalty, what form of execution would you like to bring back? Or create an original one.

17. What’s your favorite candy? Do you own a windowless van?

16. Would you want to know even the day of the week you die (e.g. a Thursday)?

15. Would you want to know the precise date of your death if it meant losing 5 years off the time you get to live?

14. How many years of your life would you take from your own to give to a dying loved one?

13. Enough about death. What’s your most hated food that you’ve vowed never to eat ever again?

12. Would you change your name to Hades Clownboat or Slapnuts Lillington for a guaranteed $3,000 a year for life?

11. Slapnuts, would you rather have the power to command all the hippopotamuses on earth or the ability to spell any word perfectly but only on the third try?

10. Would you rather reign in Hell or serve in Heaven? How about part time in each?

9. What’s your favorite type of cheese? Defend your answer.

8. Do you think society should outlaw something or other that’s legal now? If so, what?

7. If their defendants get sentenced to death should their lawyers be severely mauled by tigers wearing boxing gloves?

6. If you could rename the Frisbee what would you call it? Would anyone care?

5. Would you rather have a partner that obeyed your every command but who couldn’t ever cook for shit or one who argued 1/4 the time but was a kickass cook?

4. If you had a humanoid robotic assistant who could do anything (legal) name 3 things you’d have it help you do.

3. What would you name your own clothing line?

2. What’s the last thing you’d say to someone you were about to kill?

1. Explain, in two words, your philosophy on life.

0. Of love, money, hope or health, which two begin with the letter X?

-1. If you could deep-fry any food, what would it be?

-2. What kind of vehicle would a walrus drive?

-3. Do you think you’re free to go, now that this survey is over? (WRONG).


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