Quoticle – mastering

The older I get the more I realize I’ve enjoyed most of my masturbation experiences a hell of a lot more than the real thing. Trying to coordinate anything with other people is a chore, even sex.

~ Motel Todd

The federal mafia sez: “Let’s give them a taste of the action.”

You’d think no one would complain about a money “gift” being mailed later this year from the happy assholes in DC. The payola is supposed to “stimulate the economy” but, like the weather, the economy is too large a system to even take notice.

You might as well aim a table fan out your window to move clouds.

If this kind of trick ever worked, it would be done all the time. But it’s never worked and never will.

Just how grateful are you that the fed-thugs who take “protection” money in the guise of taxes are throwing you a few coins back?

The really radical idea–letting people keep more of what they earn–displeases the federal mafia: not only are they cheated out of spending what’s not theirs, they can’t waste money by the very the act of taking the money!* “Where’s OUR cut?” is the first thing Big Guv ask every time an entity anywhere turns a large profit.

When you get your bribe check, the DC Dons advise you to spend it right away. It’s like they know people don’t save anything; they’re especially counting on the poor to blow their wad immediately.

I’m ashamed and embarrassed for the USA that it’s come to this.

Half of “my” check has to go right back to those fucks in the form of taxes, and more ironically, the checks themselves will be taxable.

Fuck the federal mafia sideways with no lube. They do it to you. Every day.

* Or in this special case, wasting money before doling it out:  the IRS-holes cost us all 41 million dollars to mail every taxpayer a letter saying they were going to send these checks when for the past several months news of the payoff was repeatedly covered by the media as well as Bush/Congress in multiple announcements. The redundant dopes could’ve sent the same useless letter with the actual checks.

Fun with Dentistry on my day off (again)

Heaven from every side is closed.

–Mother Teresa

I thought it was going to be a routine dental check-up and was dead wrong. It was Deep-Tissue Cleaning Day and the festivities began with six (fucking SIX) Novocain shots. With fillings done over the past 3 visits I thought I was through with all that…I was more upset my eyeteeth had been blinded with an ugly surprise than the actual needles.

The needles, as always, were hot.

I didn’t see God, just a poster with idiot multicultural models smiling in support of a teeth-whitening procedure. In the Age of Photoshop how could anyone trust such a thing?

The most painful aspect was the dentist delivering the goods. He was younger than me and looked like a handsome pilot right out of Top Gun, the other Alpha-Hunk archetype that women fantasize about when the bare-chested, long-haired horse- and motorcycle-riding rebel is off being rebellious.

“Sorry about this,” Gun said sincerely as the needle plunged. A hot tear welled up in my right eye, not from pain but from imagining he was apologizing for life so far and not the endless wasp sting in the roof of my mouth.

Even remembering Bukoswki (“People’s mouths were even uglier than their assholes.”) didn’t help.

Top Gun left for good after the shots and I stopped feeling like a helpless 10-year-old with a go-nowhere paper route.

The pleasant Filipina who’d been my main girl did the cleaning. She worked free of judgment but I felt embarrassed all the same. How bad was the damage that my teeth had to be numbed to get to the problem areas?

An hour later I was at the front desk waiting to pay (this time with money, not pain) when the Filipina snapped to and with wide eyes said, “I forgot to do something!”

I had to go back to the chair, where she applied gel to my gums with a long Q-tip.
“This will ease the soreness when the numbness wears off.”
“Gimme two.”
“Don’t brush or floss tonight. Don’t eat anything hot, temperature-wise.”

At the supermark I bought a lottery ticket, shrimp and deviled eggs. It would be awhile till I smiled again, like 2011.