The last place to hold hands is Hell

1. Where is the last place you held hands?

A little place I like to call NEVER.

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?

Being born in this world is to be drafted into a war.

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?

I sleep with many TVs on througout the world.

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the container?

Only if I bought it.

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?

Yes, but it turns out he was a regular bee.  I’d tell him, “Spell Cat” and he’d go, “ZZ-zz-zz.”

6. What is your longest fight with one of your friends?

He’s not a friend any more, so that measurement of time is irrelevant.

7. Are you a fast typer?


8. Are you afraid of the dark?

I am the dark.

9. Do you like someone right now?

Who doesn’t?  Unrequited attention is like the Alien’s acid in your face, guts and heart.

10. What ended your last relationship?

It never started.

11. Do you knock on wood?

Big knockers give me wood. (cymbal crash)

12. Do you think you’re smart?

S-M-R-T.  What I have I haven’t applied, so it doesn’t matter.

13. Have you ever eaten a bug?

Yes.  It was weak, though, a lone sterilized cricket wrapped inside a chocolate coin.

14. Do you miss someone right now? Who?
Who cares.  They don’t miss me.

15. What do you want for Christmas?

For all muslims and Red Chinese to vanish forever.

16. Do you know the muffin man?

I’m more interested in the muff-on-women (yeah, that was bad)

17. Do you talk in your sleep?

Yeah, but I’m never awake to hear the funny stuff.

18. Do you remember your 1st crush?

Yes.  She was afraid of me.

19. Have you ever flown a kite?

Yes, and I invented electricity and the internet.

20. When was the last time that you went swimming and where?

Los Angeles.  A pool.

21. Do you consider yourself successful?

Not by society’s standards or my own.

22. Plans for 2MORROW?

Teach fools to properly spell “Tomorrow.”  I’d let my spelling bee do it, but you know how that goes…”Zz-zz-zz-zz-zz.”  (Callback)!

23. What did you do this past weekend?


24. Miss being at school right now?

School doesn’t pay off.  You’re better off reading books.

25. When’s the last time you told someone you loved them?

And meant it?  10th grade.

26. Do you want to be single?

With occasional trips to Tijuana it can be done.  I just don’t have it in me to marry a 99-year-old millionairess with a heart condition who loves hearing me play the cymbals.

27. Who’s your hero?

Anyone who overcomes the world.

28. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?

No, but I wish I had been.  I wish I’d smashed in a few deserving faces and learned to roar at an earlier age.

29. What are you looking forward to?

Death, the next hamburger, fucking and completing worthwhile writing.  In that order.

4 Responses to “The last place to hold hands is Hell”

  1. Digital Howie Says:

    Dude, that was just awful. Not funny, except one or two. If you’re gonna answer these questions please put a little more thought into or else you’re gonna keep getting slammed by me for not being funny, and you can be funny. So this to me is like Tigers Woods playing like shit at The Masters even though he’s greatest golfer to have ever lived.

    Motel Todd says, “You are losing some good material by making the right wing off limits.”

    Well, Todd easily beat my comment like Tiger usually beats the competition on the PGA tour.

  2. meatlights39 Says:

    After knocking a fucking plastic ball into a hole, Tiger absconds to his mansion and sinks his Woods into a White model wife on a mattress filled with thousand dollar bills and gets paid even for that cause he’s still wearing that dumb fucking Nike hat which makes him look five.

    I’m writing this at 10PM on a Friday night alone, so if you’re looking for effort, love, laughter and tears, you’re in the wrong truck stop stall, motherfucker.

    You think cause you’re the only two reading this I owe you something?
    WRONG blanco niños. If it’s not funny you’re not drunk enough.

    The right wing isn’t off limits, Todd, it’s just there’s more comedy on the other side, from the clowns running a marxist Mulatto Panther that walks on water.

  3. Digital Howie Says:

    Well, when you can hole’em like Tiger you get to eat the white meat, niggo.

    Hey, there’s no HNIC at HUD anymore. Want to apply for the job, whitey?

  4. Digital Howie Says:

    Since you pay no attention to sports you have no idea how many black athletes are married to hot white chicks. No idea.

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