Archive for September 1st, 2008

More product placement (reviews of food-like items)

Monday, 1 September 2008


Rich in flavor, these “Onion Blossom” Pringles did indeed taste like the deep-fried onion appetizers found at most brass-n-fern restaurants. WINNAH!

When I first saw this box of strawberry Whoppers I imagined exactly how they would taste (delicious). They proved dangerously addictive. Any candy that comes in a pourable carton (not shown) can’t be good for you. WINNAH!

I didn’t originally intend to put Wendy Whoppers in here, but what the hell, I’m not being paid either way for these reviews so I might as well create more hits with her tits. As a bonus, I’ll spare you any jokes about wanting to spray her whoppers with malted milk from my balls. DOUBLE WIN!

These Chocolate Skittles really do taste like what they’re supposed to taste, yet I discommend them for myriad reasons:

* The soft-crunchy/firm-chewy texture doesn’t work for chocolate.

* A handful of different-flavored regular Skittles eaten at once blend together, creating a synergistic singular fruit flavor never intended by Ma Nature. But sorting vanilla/brownie batter/chocolate caramel/chocolate pudding/s’mores is too much to ask of any taste bud.

* The Skittles brand and rainbow don’t go with chocolate, just like there should never be fruit-flavored m&m’s. The makers were too lazy to make up a new product name? How ’bout…

(No, I didn’t make this awesome p-shop. I think you can even buy “Shittles” as a t-shirt).

I bought Chocolate Skittles 2-for-1 at a dollar store, so I guess they’re already on their way out. FAIL.

I like Peanut m&m’s enough to ignore their numbfuck characters and dumber commercials but this cheating box is a sodomite’s dream.

Normally m&m’s come packed to the hilt so they RATTLE in the box. Not these bastards in their silent F-U-in-the-A mini-bag. 3.4 ounces is so little candy an anorexic could eat them all and not bother puking. That yellow son-of-a-bitch on the box giving the thumbs up should be wearing a strap-on.

We get enough shit from all sides these days we shouldn’t have to watch our backs when we buy candy. FAIL.

Hope you enjoyed these reviews. These words I write are a bookmark of sorts, marking the place where I’m supposed to have a success-filled life.


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Sangria Dogs, or how to make an alcoholic weep

Monday, 1 September 2008

A trick taught to me by a masterful female chef.

When grilling hot dogs, boil them in sangria first; they’ll stay juicier, turn a beautiful dark red and best of all, lend a sublime fruit-flavor to the meat without making it gay.

Or do what I do, skip the grill, boil the dogs in sangria and enjoy. Unless you’re a competitive eater, I recommend limiting your intake to 5 in one sitting or you’ll die. Painfully.

Quoticle – an enormously reckless use of life

Monday, 1 September 2008

We are all born with a personal destiny. We come into being for a reason. You have to learn how to skillfully read yourself, to discover who you are and why you are here, to see yourself as you are ‘warts and all’ – nobody is all good, nobody is all bad. To not take responsibility for acting in concert with your soul will produce an enormously reckless use of life.

If you don’t undertake the task of figuring out who and what you are, of generating actions that are in alignment with your own destiny, you will invariably produce rash and destructive actions that will bring about your downfall. Acting out of concert with your spirit, with your personal destiny, will take the form of psychologically destructive states of mind that will harm both yourself and others.

You must give rise to love for the sake of love so that it is present in your heart and your mind, finds its way to the cells of your body. Then, as you rub up against the situations of the world, that energy will be there for you. You will not have to take a position of fear or rage.

~Mark Griffin