Don’t be useless like Samuels

I hate the job but I do it, I show up, I don’t call out 3 times a week because I have the sniffles.

Unlike Samuels.

Samuels is a fatassed ignorant cretin at the job. I can’t believe this fucking dickwad was ever in the Army. We can’t depend on a man to show up for a crappy job, how did he ever cover someone’s ass in the desert? The Army didn’t want him any longer. Now I see why.

Samuels has racked up more than enough missed days to be fired. He should be. There’s no excuse for being a lazy jerkoff in a rotten economy, when any number of people looking for work deserve the job more.

You should hear the excuses Samuels has used for being a no-show.

One time he told a story of breaking down 50 miles outside of town, during a heavy rainstorm. It could’ve been true, except the more elaborate and detailed Samuels’ tale became the more it sounded like a lie. That and his unusual defensiveness.

The last time double-chinned Samuels was a no-show he claimed to have been so sick he slept in the bathtub because there wasn’t a bucket big enough for all his puking up. The guy is 6’2 and 310 pounds, much of that blubber. Yet we should believe a little puke slowed him down?

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a liar.

Samuels has a Plan: attend the 3 weekend training classes to become qualified to catch bailjumpers. Ha ha ha. Samuels, you fat fuck, you’re too lazy and incompetent to do even a tedious job now: where will you find the self-employed motivation to catch bailjumpers? I hope you surprise the bailjumpers in their lairs, Samuels. If you’re as big a sloth on that job as you are this one, you won’t get the drop when the bailjumpers pull their guns. Your pointed, slick-backed head will be reduced to fine red mist. At 300+ pounds, you won’t be chasing anyone on foot either, unless you expect them to pass out from laughing hysterically at the sounds of your labored huffing and puffing.


Samuels, I would’ve killed you today for the uncalled-for words escaping your fat blubber lips but at the time they escaped them murder was still illegal in this state. You’re a failure, Samuels, a tits-on-a-mule fat slacker fuckfaced fraud. Get lost, so the tedious, awful job can go to someone who’ll have the guts to do it.

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