Thoughts deeper than you

“Could any Hell be more horrible than now, and real?”
— Jim Morrison


I’ve been thinking about suicide lately with the same conclusion Sam Kinison had about wife-beating: I don’t condone it, but I understand it.

I won’t kill myself.

For one thing, at my age there’s very little left to kill.  (- Bukowski)

Life is painful, unpredictable and typically just plain fucked-up in both meaning and execution: it’s unreasonable to believe that suicide would bring an immediate end to suffering from such a warped existence; suicide is the gleaming cheese in a mousetrap.

Suicide means physical death, but I don’t want death, because death means MORE: more suffering and more pleasure. I want neither, in favor of annihilation.

I’ve been fortunate enough to experience this annihilation, which is not an empty void but The Void, filled with Everything which is really only One thing. I could only enter this state of No-Mind under the aegis of a meditation master capable of projecting spiritual energy. The meditation group I was with only got to experience it perhaps a dozen times a year.

One minute I’d be sitting in my folding chair, the next there was NOTHING, all the chattering noise and nonsense composing the modern mind wiped clean like a giant eraser swiping across a dry erase board. Other types of meditation had different effects but coming out of the No-Mind sessions I always felt oddly refreshed.

No-Mind has been called ‘the only true final Enlightenment’ and if you’re lucky enough to merge with it beyond death, you win, that’s all, no more suffering, no more anything. Compared to this state, a heavenly afterlife seems ridiculous. If you can have limitless pleasurable experiences in Heaven, it stands to reason one moment will feel better for you than another. How is that Heaven? You’ll still be striving for MORE, even if by definition, in Heaven you always Receive it.

Nothingness sounds scary, I know. To a 300lb co-worker I presented the choice between a guaranteed immediate merging forever into nothingness or a chancy afterlife. His answer was, “I like existing.”

I do not like existing. I am trapped here, with none to rescue.

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One Response to “Thoughts deeper than you”

  1. Catherine Says:

    Maybe it’s a trivial response, but I understand you completely. I used to find comfort in literature, music, philosophy and even certain people, but all that has lost it’s tincture. As Herodotus said: “The worst pain a man can suffer: to have insight into much and power over nothing.” Turn off your mind, there’s nothing to find out here… except death. I’m craving for that annihilation, for a senseless state. One of my excuses is that I’m not selfish enough. But man should have a right to “die proudly when it is no longer possible for him to live proudly”. I’m sorry because of these quotations, it’s not that I don’t own an original thought, I just think there’s no such thing in this vast absurdity of variations. One of the reasons I gave up writing too.

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