There’s nothing cute about acute gastroenteritis

I’m guessing it was the lone strawberry I ate after dinner. On one side he was fuzzy and ugly with a small puke green patch on him…the other side was still a deep and succulent red. I nibbled the red side and it was sweet. Soon after my body temp plummeted and hours later I was pissing shit out my ass in a laserlike brown stream, funny because at work I enjoyed telling others: “If you can’t be happy for any other reason, thank God you don’t have violent diarrhea (and if you do have it, thank God you’re not constipated”).

Violent puking joined the dia-chorus an hour later and would continue at two hour intervals all night long. I’d be reading in bed when first the squirts, then the puking, then using an entire roll of toilet paper, then back to bed quaking with chills, repeat as needed. I was wearing three shirts, two pairs of socks, two pairs of sweatpants and lying wrapped beneath two giant blankets, the larger one made of super-insulating goose down, and I was still shivering.

During one of the liquid breaks I managed to get online (WebMD sucks, BTW, nothing like than struggling with an unintuitive POS website when you’re dying). I was terrified I had signs of appendicitis or a kidney stone, and though my insides felt like Mike Tyson’s heavy bag I still didn’t have the sharp pains that accompany each of the really bad conditions.

I must have squirted enough brown to fill an oil drum, and by the time early morn arrived, there wasn’t a single grain of rice or bit of fish (or strawberry) or drop of liquid in my system. The last round of puking, without any water left in my body to move it, brought up pure Alien grade acid from the pit of my stomach, burning the hell out of my throat. I was too weak to drink water, but eventually managed to get some down.

I was only too happy to miss work today, the downside being I still haven’t the energy to slink over to the grocery for Gatorade. Life’s been reduced to a quest for electrolytes. I prefer it to the existential pain of living every day as a healthy but gormless fugazi.

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