Archive for August 28th, 2012

MRS. SIMS? May I call you JENNY?

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Start with this gem, an ad for TV Guide which I NEVER GOT TO SEE when it was running all those centuries ago. I agree with the many commenters who wished this was a real song.

S.K.U.M.

——————-

There are only two commercials I have never found in all my years of wasting time online. It’s possible they’re part of collections of commercials from different eras people have put on youtube.

The first is an infomercial-quailty commercial for a specialized cutlery set that “carves” foods into objects, including a watermelon whale, beautiful egg people and the excitement in the announcer’s voice reaching an hysterical climax:  “THE COLORFUL JOLLY HEN!”

A lot of people probably remember the Colorful Jolly Hen, but it has scant references online, two, I think.

The other impossible-to-find commercial is by AT&T, for a new feature: CALL BLOCKING.

Just press *67

Here’s the commercial from memory:

SCENE: Obsessive argyle-wearing NERD on a landline: (whiny voice) I love you, etc., you can’t stop me, I’ll keep calling and callng and calling…

A HARRIED HOUSEWIFE takes the phone away from her ear and punches * 6-7. At his end the NERD vanishes with an audible pop.

AT&T voiceover guy introduces the new feature: CALL BLOCKING.

Pushy SALEPRICK in cheap suit: MRS. SIMS? May I call you JENNY?

AT&T voice explains how to use *67

SALESPRICK: So how many of my fine products would you like?

The HOUSEWIFE hits the code and the SALESPRICK vanishes like the NERD.

AT&T voice wraps it up.

Now, the best part:

CUT TO: An 80s ROCK REJECT with hair like Pauly Shore sits with his feet on his desk in his room. Behind him on the shelves. among other things, sits a “morning star” mace. A two-string guitar CHORD fiddles in the background. 

ROCKER (sounding like a New Yawk wiseguy) HEY-AYYY! Ya DAUGHTER THERE?

The HOUSEWIFE lets him have it.

It’s possible these lost commercials are hidden in compilations of late-90s commercials people have put on youtube. Drop a line if you find or remember them.

Until then:

YEAHHH!
We’re coming, we’re coming
we’re coming for your young
we’re coming, we’re coming
screaming at the top of our lungs
screaming at the top of our lungs
SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUUUUNNNNGS….

 

Another Douchebag: Antonio Villaraigosa, racist mayor of LA

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

I left California just as this self-serving, racist numbnuts assumed power. He performed, over the years, as expected. Well, no one around here ever accused Cali-phony-ans of being overly intelligent when it comes to elections. How many cities have gone or are going bankrupt there? Just keep voting taxocrat…

Recent article quote:

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said that Republicans “can’t just trot out a brown face” to make inroads with the Latino community, an increasingly important growing bloc.

It’s an agreeable statement when said by someone who isn’t a self-aggrandizing, corrupt jackass who has made a career of hiding behind race, starting with the racist MEChA in kollij.

A former cop I knew who had to help provide security for Villaraigosa said simply that he was arrogant and unlikable up close.  Good enough for me. 

I WILL COMPLETE WHAT I STARTED

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

The RNC Convention is going on.  I notice no differences.  I don’t even know where Isaac is.

I’m stoned.  Earlier I bought a pack of 50 nitrile gloves.  I cleaned out the desktop (computer) with canned air.  As if on queue, my new external hard drive arrived in the mails.  Porn and non-porn movies are being transferred, 124GB in 75 minutes.  I ate a foot-long veggie sub and some Chee-tos.  I have to work early in the morning.  Going to the hospital for routine blood sample (giving not drinking) tomorrow.  I got a debossed silicone wristband that reads I WILL COMPLETE WHAT I STARTED.  I got it from a cute Japanese girl with big tits (big for a Japanese girl).  She is immature but legal, I would lie with her if given the chance.

I will not be given the chance.

An Ayn Rand fan/libertarian I know texted that he is looking forward to Chris Christie’s “fiery” speech tonight.  I told him (my friend)–via text–to resign himself to imminent revolution and that Prez Romney will only delay the inevitable.  Looking forward to GTA V…it is to be a long wait, I hear.  I own no consoles and my 4-year-old compy is too old to run such a game.  Somehow it will work, I’ll make a friend who owns an XBOX just in time.  It’s amazing to come full circle and see turncoat Charlie Crist endorsing the fucking kenyan.  Well, this blog doesn’t mean shit to me.  It’s a way to smash time, like an ax on a piñata made to look like a clock.  I’m eating Planters Dry Roasted Five Alarm Chili peanuts, drinking them right out of the plastic jar.  I am stoned, I am high, not happy but content in my failings.

There are no big-titted Japanese girls here.  It’s sunny and hot outside.  I am hateful.