Robot with Red Arm, A One-Act Play

A.A. Jabrams, director of the new Space Wars, sits with his creative team made up of three toy sellers.

Jabrams: So what the hell do we do with 3-CPO? Lorge Gucas made him “naked” in The Spectral Harasser, he was black and soot-coated in Advance of the Duplicates and finally shiny in Avengement of the Dark Robes. What’s left?

Toy 1: Well, let’s see, he’s introduced in Space Wars, Episode 4, taken apart for scrap in Payback of the Authority and treated as a “funny god” in Revisit of the Sword-Knights.

Toy 2: A.A., your new Space Wars:  The Potential Wakes Up has the same sand planet just with a different name. 3-CPO is WORTHLESS on desert planets, the sand is coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere in his circuits; he’s shiny like a signal mirror, the evil Authority can see him from space!–and his translation skills are next-to-worthless. Hell, if San Holo can understand the Warkees without a droid translator, and Suke Lywalker knows what 2D-2R is beeping, what good is P-3-OH anyway?

Jabrams: The fucking soccer ball has made a MINT aleady! Fans snatched his ass up; didn’t even wait to see if he’s an annoying, scene-ruining asshole like Bar Bar Jinks. FIFA-1 was a stroke of my genius!

Toy 1:  But boss…that still leaves the problem of 3-CPO.

Toy 3: Well…we could…make one of his arms red?

Jabrams: … That’s bucking frilliant!

Toy 1: But how do we explain the arm?

Toy 2: Who gives a shit? We’ll pay some monkey with a laptop to make something up.

Jabrams: Fuckin’ NERDS are going to LOVE this!

Toy 3: AND buy it. Even if they paint their old reaction figure’s arm red, they wouldn’t get the cool new packaging!

Jabrams: I love the movies! HAIL SATAN!

Toy people: (in unison) HAIL SATAN!

Tags: Abrams ruined Star Trek, BB-8, C-3PO, Chewie, Death Star, December 18th, directors suck, Droids, FIFA, Finn, Force Awakens, George Lucas, Gungan, hail satan, Han Solo, Harrison Ford, J.J. Abrams, Jakku, Jar Jar, Jar Jar Binks, Kylo Ren, lightsaber, Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill, movies suck, Pameron Coe, R2-D2, Rey. Princess Leia, soccer ball, Star Wars, Star Wars Episode 1, Star Wars Episode 2, Star Wars Episode 3, Star Wars Episode 4, Star Wars Episode 5, Star Wars Episode 6, Star Wars Episode 7, Star Wars Episode VIII, Star Wars Minute, Starkiller, Wookies, X-wing fighter, Y-wing fighter