Archive for the ‘Reviews of Things’ Category

Star Wars Crapisode VIII

Sunday, 26 November 2017

Well my nigs, if The Phantom Menace was a disastrous date with a beautiful stranger then The Force Awakens was date rape. After seeing the latter I was extra-pissed at having to buy the ticket in advance, in a theater with assigned seating. Never again.

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Last Jedi you already know it’s going to be a bad clone of The Empire Strikes Back. What gave it away? The snow fox, a still frame of a line of parked AT-ATs, and knowing Disney won’t take risks.

I don’t care about any of the characters, new or old. Rey is a poor replacement for Luke. Whether she turns evil or not makes no difference.

Hamill has said he entirely disagrees with the direction they took Luke. My guess is he won’t even leave Irish Island or wherever the fuck he’s hiding until Crapisode 9.

If Finn had been White, you would wonder what his character is even doing there. Same for the new X-wing pilot, who has scenes outside the cockpit yet is less memorable than Wedge or even Porkins.

The trailer also implies that Leia just stands in place on the bridge of a ship while her jug-eared, tantrum-throwing Vader-wannabe son locks missiles on her. TFA did nothing with her character, now she’s CG and it makes no difference.

Anyway, that’s that.

 

 

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Star Trek: Discovery?

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

My new rule is never to put more effort into reviews of things than the creators did creating it. So here are some notes on Star Trek: Discovery.

* Decent effects and acting. Not as politically correct as I thought but still problems.

* The lead is a human Black woman who was raised on Vulcan by–wait for it–Spock’s parents.

* Vulblack is sent out alone in a spacesuit, copying Spock in the first Star Trek movie. They send the show’s lead–second in command–when they have a ROBOT crewmember wearing a Daft Punk helmet on the bridge.

* The Chinese Womancaptain failed to heed Vulblack’s valuable tactical advice for defeating Klingons, advice which should have been readily available to anyone in Starfleet.

* Chinese Womancaptain is killed for being an idiot. Vulblack gets the blame.

* The #1 in Command of the Federation Fleet shows up at the disastrous battle. An arrogant White Guy, his ship is rammed and destroyed.

* In the latest episode, another woman is killed for making a rash decision to bully a massive alien lifeform. Women are bad luck on ships.

* The show’s creators explained the Klingons are “Trump supporters.” For that to be true, the Klingon government would have open orders and be flooding Klingon territory with foreigners.

* The Klingons who yell, “REMAIN KLINGON!” are written by writers who IRL yell,”REMAIN JEWISH!” In other words, only Jews and Asians are allowed to preserve their unique cultures. Everyone else must suffer DIVERSITY, including Klingons.

* Klingons are warriors who find meaning in battle. They don’t need a PC excuse to do anything.

* The writers boasted Discovery would have a Gay in the regular cast. In the first episode they killed of The Gay’s partner. In other words, Gay & Switch.

* For The Record: I am against any non-Vulcan being able to deliver the Vulcan nerve pinch, so Data and Vulblack can cram it. I always assumed the Pinch works like a Taser and only Vulcans could do it due to telepathy.

* There’s so much shit out there it’s not worth getting mad over a single TV show.

* I love this song.  Beautiful for lovers and serial killers alike.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

American Gods Ep. 4: Tits or GTFO

Monday, 22 May 2017

Ep 4 of American Gods is automatically better than Ep 3 because there are no futt-bucking muslims anywhere. We get the story of the whore wife. What’s worse than her cheating on Sha-dope was marrying the poor fool. He loves her, she loves nothing. More insulting, we see her ass (or a body double’s ass) for less than a second and NO titties, this after last week’s unwelcome gay muslim sausage-fest (for which today’s muslim bombing of the Ariana Grande concert is revenge?)

This is the first episode Sha-dope is allowed to emote, giving him some depth, so there’s that. The saddest part was Dummy the Cat. I was disappointed his ghost self didn’t appear in Anubis’ afterlife sandbox, even just to take a shit.

Oh and uh, since the Hannibal TV show dudes made AG, “Tobias” is back as one of the Old Gods.

 

American Gods Ep. 3: gay Jinn and Juice

Thursday, 18 May 2017

We’re almost to the halfway mark of the awful American Gods.  By now you and I are used to the pointless vignettes of random gods interacting with their unfortunate believers. We’ve seen Vikings aka White Warriors made to look like fools by a never-seen wind god, then the following week a Plaid Pimp God of Black Slaves—with a hate-Whitey speech most certainly polished by Shlomo—forcing his followers to commit mass suicide.  At Ep. 3’s start it’s Anubis, only instead of being a man with a dog’s head Nubes is a Black dude, even though ancient Egyptians were not Black.

Forget all that anyway, they’ve outdone themselves this week with muslim finooks.  Well, it’s not really gay since one of the two futt-buckin’ moose limbs is a jinn with flaming eyes.  Just joking, it’s gay times gay times gay and I, like others, predict it’s sure to spur a diaperhead terrorist attack IRL (sadly never in hollywood where promoters of this rubbish reside).

The leprechaun is back, the one who resents “stereotypes” like assuming all ‘chauns are short yet is a fire-haired, pasty-skinned, fighting and drinking Hibernian with an accent Straight Outta Lucky Charms.  Oddly, the ‘chaun needs a certain magic coin to have good luck though otherwise he shits coins out of thin air.  And he didn’t have the bad luck, the poor sap who picked him up while he was hitchhiking did.

To answer your question why I watch this crap if I hate it: it’s only 8 episodes and will be over soon enough.  In its favor this latest ep has probably enraged some muslims with this latest, lauded-by-leftards faggotry.

 

 

 

 

 

Anti-White American Gods

Friday, 12 May 2017

I tried reading American Gods long ago and only made it a few pages. The premise sounded promising but I couldn’t get past the protagonist’s stupid name, “Shadow Moon.” Amazon reviews assured it’s yet another regurgitation of the same left-wing horseshit you can suffer anywhere else. 

FF to 2017 and the American Gods TV series. Shadow Moon is played by a 100% Black dude when in the novel he’s shaded more like Obozo. The author, Neil Gaiman, approved of this change. Why wouldn’t he, when the studio handed him bulging sacks with ‘$’ printed on them?

In the first episode of two released so far, S. Moon starts out in prison. He has a dream where his wife appears and lo, she’s lily-white. Of course.

I’m so tired of this shit, the in-your-face Black Man/White Woman pairings. It’s not incidental and it’s not making the best casting choice. If Shadow Moon was made Black (isn’t naming a Black person Shadow RAYSISS?) to ramp up Diversity, why not employ a Black actress to be his wife? Black women are equally unhappy with these unlikely couples, and should be.

The first episode was passable. Artsy, well-shot but plodding with a simpleton script. You can already tell any Big Reveals later are not going to make up for time invested watching.

Hollywood doesn’t try to temper its Anti-White bias anymore. Every single White person in the first episode is one or a combination of callous, murderous, psychotic, adulterous or raysiss. The one exception is Ian McShane, but
1) his character is central to the story
2) he’s older than bone dust and therefore not a threat.

If the first episode was standard anti-White fare, the second hammers the message home, beginning on A SLAVE SHIP. Slave porn, never depicted for any reason but to enrage Blacks in real life.

One of the slaves makes a prayer to a CG spider, who then appears in the cargo hold as Orlando Jones wearing a plaid pimp-suit, a god named Anansi aka Mr. Nancy.

With his patented bulging bug-eyes and snarls, Jones delivers a hate-Whitey speech worthy of any SJW dignitary, only more deft and literate. Your life is a living hell, Black Man, 400 years, nothing is ever your fault. The only thing missing was a slave wearing a Black Lives Matter t-shirt.

A truly concerned African god might appear before the African kings who enslaved and sold their own people and warn them to stop. Nancy’s solution is to free the original supplicant from his chains and command all the slaves to riot, turning the slave ship into a burning failboat where everyone dies, proving Nancy’s an even bigger asshole than the slave-owners.

Most TV isn’t worth writing a single word about. I wrote this mainly to test my keyboard’s batteries. The new batteries appear to be working.

Iron Fist is a Flop

Thursday, 23 March 2017

       It’s to my shameful laziness I’m watching Iron Fist, which in addition to the now-standard whining about racial casting choices was panned by critics for being shitty and boring.  The critics were right, I’m only two episodes in and doubt I’ll watch a third.

     All of these Marvel Netflix series face the same challenge:  turn a 2-hour movie into 20 interesting hour-long episodes.  There have been 4 such attempts so far: Jessica Jones, Luke Cage and two seasons of Daredevil.

      Daredevil features a popular lead character, talented cast, good action, solid chemistry and interesting villains.  Jessica Jones had characters made interesting by their flaws and a terrifying villain.  Luke Cage mostly sucked, dragging-out a razor-thin plot, but still had solid leads, style and an unexpected great soundtrack.

      Iron Fist has nothing going for it.  Danny Rand is Danny Bland.  He looks like a doughy smelly hippie and walks around New York barefoot, which is the least bizarre thing about him.  His backstory reads like it was invented by an 11-year-old half-remembering Green Arrow and Batman:  Danny Rand, age 10, survives a private plane crash over the Himalayas which kills his billionaire parents (for now, we never see their bodies and since comic book characters pass between life and death like saloon doors they could return at any time.)  He is found by magical martial arts monks who train him to become the Iron Fist, whose sole purpose is to stop a shadowy evil organization called The Hand.  (Let’s hope he can do it, since he claims he’s the only warrior who can stop them.)   

     Now, 15 years later, adult Danny returns to NYC to claim his family business, but instead of going to the media to announce his triumphant return to the land of the living, Danny the Dirty hippie saunters barefoot into his family’s company building and asks to see his father’s former partner or the partner’s son.  The receptionist does what any sane person would do and alerts Security so the audience can get a sneak preview of Danny’s magical martial arts prowess as he wends his way up to the CEO’s office. 

     The villain (or at least antagonist) is a standard corporate businessdick with slicked-back hair.  He and his sister were the children of Daddy Rand’s partner.  In flashback we learn Slick, who was a few years older than Danny, was a major-league asshole and bully.

     The grown-up Slick, now CEO of Rand Corporation (isn’t that a real thing?) is first dismayed by the sight of a filthy hippie in his office and then greatly alarmed when the hippie claims he’s Danny Rand, which if true means Rand owns the company.  Slick and his semi-sexy blonde sister both refuse to believe it, and here’s where the story first shits the hammock:  who can blame them?  “Danny Rand” shows up with no evidence, not even one story or remembrance only the three of them would know.

     Instead of another fight, Danny merely leaves to hang out at a park among tree leaves (barefoot) and a wise White homeless bum who spouts a few semi-poetic lines about society before OD’ing. Next Danny bumps into an Asian woman posting flyers for her martial arts dojo and asks for a job (neglecting to inform her he’s a martial arts master).  Naturally she tells him no, so next Danny breaks into his former childhood home, a brownstone owned by Slick’s blonde sister.  Instead of talking to her when she comes home he flees, only to confront her the next morning outside on a busy street where she can cry for help.  Again, Danny provides zero evidence of his true identity, but he does magically flip over a speeding cab, which only confuses Blondie.

    Really I should stop here, I’ve given ample examples of why Iron Fist doesn’t work.  The writers strove to give Danny Rand a good-natured or well-meaning/innocence vibe but he just comes across as retarded.  In Iron Flop: Part Next we’ll continue this anal-sys written because I’m too lazy to write anything else.

Robert Reich is Robert Wrongsh

Sunday, 21 February 2016

Subliminal message:liberalism defined

 

Robert Bernard Reich was the Secretary of Labor during the Cigar Administration, another grossly overpaid capo civil servant in the federal mafia hierarchy of that time, given undue credit for the 1990’s tech boom which democrooks had nothing to do with, unless you count being restrained from raising taxes by the Republican Congress as action.

Reich, a Bern-Bern cheerleader who mysteriously doesn’t self-identify as a socialist, wrote a column titled “The Death of the Republican Party” which appears on his website (which wisely doesn’t allow comments) but it requires some translation.

And here it is.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2016

I’m writing to you today to announce the death of the Republican Party. It is no longer a living, vital, animate organization.

It died in 2016. RIP.

No, no, these aren’t crocodile tears, people. Much to our marxist chagrin, the sham opposition party which we demonize in government-controlled schools and by Hollywood trash and left-wing “journalists” has been thrown into disarray.

It has been replaced by warring tribes:

Evangelicals opposed to abortion, gay marriage, and science.

People who believe God is higher than the Almighty State and that right and wrong exist.

Libertarians opposed to any government constraint on private behavior.

Anyone who opposes communist orthodoxy. 

Market fundamentalists convinced the “free market” can do no wrong.

These don’t exist, but I need straw men.

Corporate and Wall Street titans seeking bailouts, subsidies, special tax loopholes, and other forms of crony capitalism.

Shhh, don’t tell, but we’ve supported all of the above for our side.  We on the left are the croniest of…capitalists (I HATE that word!) but the media protects us. Usually.  DAMN YOU, DRUDGE!

Billionaires craving even more of the nation’s wealth than they already own.

We Democrats believe you are allowed to make money only so long as we get to take half or more.  

And white working-class Trumpoids who love Donald. and are becoming convinced the greatest threats to their well being are Muslims, blacks, and Mexicans.

Has more than 30 seconds gone by without a liberal calling non-communists racists?  RESTART THE TIMER.  We know you want strong borders, but we need votes.  Third Worlders who don’t share American  (I HATE that word!) values (I HATE that word!) are hot property. 

(Editor’s note:  the greatest threat to Americans’ well-being is liberal /communist Democrats)

Each of these tribes has its own separate political organization, its own distinct sources of campaign funding, its own unique ideology – and its own candidate.

Unlike we Democrats, united by a communist vision of complete control over every aspect of people’s lives, these Republicans have points-of-view not only unauthorized by us, but that compete with each other! This kind of diversity cannot be tolerated!

Here at the Democratic Party we have eliminated the troublesome marketplace of ideas.  With us you have a CHOICE:  communist tyrant Cankles Clinton or communist tyrant Bernard Sanders.

What’s left is a lifeless shell called the Republican Party. But the Grand Old Party inside the shell is no more.

The jig is up.

I, for one, regret its passing. Our nation needs political parties to connect up different groups of Americans, sift through prospective candidates, deliberate over priorities, identify common principles, and forge a platform.

Our nation needs one party masquerading as two, with neither representing the American people and both paid for by the political donor class.  I mourn the death of the Big Lie.

The Republican Party used to do these things. Sometimes it did them easily, as when it came together behind William McKinley and Teddy Roosevelt in 1900, Calvin Coolidge in 1924, and Ronald Reagan in 1980.

Of the four presidents I just mentioned, only Roosevelt was like us, a socialist in love with power. McKinley fought democrats during the Civil War and later as president defended U.S. interests. Both Coolidge and Reagan LOWERED taxes–Coolidge four times!–which resulted in a disastrous booming economy and folks not seeking government dependency.

Sometimes it did them with difficulty, as when it strained to choose Abraham Lincoln in 1860, Barry Goldwater in 1964, and Mitt Romney in 2012.

Lincoln had his faults, such as fighting against slavery and segregation, cherished Democrat values. He’s long dead and his history easily rewritten. Goldwater was a close call, but we got LBJ in. Good thing, too. Vietnam needed to be escalated and lost. Romney, of course, was selected by us and did as told. Ahh, good times.

But there was always enough of a Republican Party to do these important tasks – to span the divides, give force and expression to a set of core beliefs, and come up with a candidate around whom Party regulars could enthusiastically rally.

We have lost our pseudo-conservative cuckolds. Trump has awakened the sleeping giant, ordinary Americans who reject sharia law and want strong borders.

No longer. And that’s a huge problem for the rest of us.

And by ‘rest of us’ I mean the thousands of illegals we are encouraging to invade, so we can inflate Democrat voter rolls. The dead can only vote so many times before suspicion is raised.  

Without a Republican Party, nothing stands between us and a veritable Star Wars barroom of self-proclaimed wanna-be’s.

We’re scared shitless of Trump.  (Ed. note:  Wasn’t the Star Wars cantina a perfect model of diversity?)

Without a Party, anyone runs who’s able to raise (or already possesses) the requisite money – even if he happens to be a pathological narcissist who has never before held public office, even if he’s a knave detested by all his Republican colleagues.

We’re scared shitless of Trump.

Without a Republican Party, it’s just us and them. And one of them could even become the next President of the United States.

Us: communists
Them: Free Americans

 

Sorry, Robert.  We’re cleaning house.

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly.” — Richard Bach

 

How to easily beat Arkham Knight’s Cloudburst Tank

Friday, 5 February 2016

SPOILERS MY ASS, the @#! game has been out for over 5472 hours.

I’ve been playing Batman: Arkham Knight for a few months. The inclusion of the Batmobile has been a mixed blessing. It’s used cleverly in some puzzles and can be an awesome ally, but tedious mandatory tank battles ruin the fun factor somewhat. One youtuber said it best, “I got this game to play as BATMAN, not the Batmobile.”

In a way, the game “cheats.”  The Batmobile is difficult to drive and destroys nearly everything in its path, yet can get snagged on a curb or stoop and certain small trees which cannot be run over (but will fall if directly shot).  While not a deliberate handicap, the perspective of the Batmobile shrinks almost to the size of a Matchbox car whenever there’s a Missile Lock.  Some gamers do better driving in the first person perspective and this stupid feature robs them of it.

Arkham Knight, nearly-perfect in every way, is almost completely ruined by the Cloudburst tank battle. Even set on EASY it’s NOT.  A game should be challenging, not infuriating. 

Some designers somewhere are patting themselves on the back for making the Cloudburst Tank level next-to-impossible. TANKS FOR NOTHING, DICKWEEDS.  What their fellow game creators forgot is that when you piss off gamers to the point they totally give up, they don’t buy future downloadable content.

Fortunately, one gamer has made the Cloudburst battle winnable with little stress. His strategy was perfect except for one missing piece, the coordinates of the Gotham Casino. And here they are: 1938, 2300 approximately.  (The casino building has the circumference of a small tower, making it easy to hide behind).

Besides upgrading the armor of the Batmobile I’ve found two upgrades to be essential: the special 60mm cannon shot upgrade which fools Cobra tanks to head for where the shot landed, and the Drone Virus. Half the time the EMP doesn’t do shit, so go with the Virus.  Not only can you upload a virus to the smaller tanks but to the Cobra tank as well, most hilarious and satisfying. If the hijacked Cobra wins against another tank, it then conveniently explodes.

I haven’t met the ‘Deathstroke Tank’ yet but am already annoyed it’s in the game. We’ll see.

An overly long, overly critical yet ultimately satisfying review of Star Wars Crapisode 7

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Chewie Crispy 2

This innocuous bag of snacks sums up Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens perfectly:  a character named CHEWIE on a bag of CRISPY chips.  Doesn’t make sense, doesn’t have to.  The Disney Factory prospered and the masses were fooled.  The only losers were the millions of fans who wanted a good story.

 

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.  Erma Bombeck

       That was then, Erma.  The new nothing-is-sadder is being an adult, watching a ‘new’ Star Wars movie.

       It hurts me to say it, but Star Wars Episode VII:  The Force Awakens should have been better, a lot better.  It’s not terrible like the prequels but doesn’t come close to the originals. 

        The two major reasons why TFA fails to be a timeless classic are the story and Harrison Ford.    

HarriSolo vs. HAN SOLO

       The whole movie I kept waiting for Harrison Ford to be (or at least become) Han Solo; he never did.  Ford is on record saying he wished Han had died in ROTJ and that the character wouldn’t have lived to see old age.  Ford has a right to his opinions but sadly this time around his opinions affected his work.  I suspect Jar Jar Abrams, in awe of Ford, was too timid to really direct him.  Because Ford did a half-assed job, we’ll call his character in TFA HarriSolo. 

        The Han Solo we love is a badass at ANY age and a 73-year-old Solo should be more dangerous than ever.  While he doesn’t move as quickly, he knows every rule of smuggling and warfare and when to break them.  It’s damn near impossible to corner or con him.  Not counting financial gain from marrying Leia, as a hero of the Rebellion he should be loaded, or at the very least have an excellent pension from his time as a general.  If we are to believe Han returned to smuggling (for the weakest of reasons) shouldn’t he at least have been a high-level smuggling boss ordering others around? 

       Still, Han Solo is embattled.  Being a legend with a name known across the galaxy has made him a high-value target of criminal scum and the evil First Order alike, hunted as much as Luke, and that’s on top of family problems, having lost Leia and as we later discover, a Force-sensitive son. 

       This is the awesome Han Solo we should have gotten:  slightly less cocky, wiser, grizzled with a touch of the old arrogance, someone who acknowledges the Force but will happily settle for good luck.

       But TFA doesn’t feature Han solo.  Instead we got HarriSolo.  HarriSolo is weak and feeling his years, an old security guard on the cusp of retirement.  While no one is expecting a wind sprint, he barely moves, and when he takes action it’s never done with a sense of urgency.  He’s learned nothing new in 30 years and has even managed to lose the Millenium Falcon, something as ridiculous as Batman losing the Batmobile.  When HarriSolo is introduced he’s still smuggling for crumbs and being chased by goons, with the excuse that post-Leia (and Dark Side son) he just went back to what he’d done before.  He’s not wrong there:  doing what has been done before is the essence of TFA.

       HarriSolo doesn’t teach Rey anything, just gives her his blessing—for audience benefit—that she knows how to improvise in a tough situation and take care of the Falcon.  (I was traumatized when Chewie got shot but later realized it was just so Rey could be the co-pilot for a driving test.)

       Han Solo would have already been resigned to having lost his son to the Dark Side and would have had a thermal detonator (or three) in his jacket pockets to kill Kylo Ross, especially if he was going to meet on a rail-less rip-off of the Cloud City catwalk.  But again, Han Solo isn’t in this movie.  We’re saddled with HarriSolo, slow, sentimental and easily sucker punched.  When HarriSolo met his destiny I realized just how badly Ford phoned it in:  couldn’t die as he was never really alive.  (Stupid side note, what was the deal with HarriSolo suddenly popping a boner over Chewie’s bowcaster as if he’d never seen it before, even though Chewie’s been carrying it for 40 years?  Never mind, it’s because Chewie shoots Kylo with it later.  The bowcaster shoots [per Wookiepedia] ‘metal quarrels enveloped with energy as ammunition’ which cause bloody wounds, thus all-black wearing Kylo Ross sheds a few blood drops in the snow to illustrate injury.)

       The rest of the shit—aka the story—we can lay at the feet of Jar Jar Abrams.

ABRAMS TANKED

       Abrams makes well-paced films with good visuals, but he is neither a visionary nor storyteller.  Instead he takes memorable moments from older series and (re)creates something that is entertaining in the moment but ultimately nonsensical beyond forgiveness. 

       TFA fails is because it began its life as a PowerPoint bullet list of icons and moments referencing scenes in other SW movies rather than an original story.  The story we’re presented with is missing vital information from the start. 

Here’s the mid-section of the opening crawl:

With the support of the

REPUBLIC, General Leia Organa

leads a brave RESISTANCE.

She is desperate to find her

brother Luke and gain his

help in restoring peace

and justice to the galaxy.

       Okay, wait, there’s a REPUBLIC?  Of how many planets?  Do they have a fleet and if so, how many ships?  Why hasn’t the REPUBLIC declared war against the FIRST ORDER, or is the FIRST ORDER so weak the REPUBLIC thought an understaffed RESISTANCE led by Leia could handle it? 

       TFA shows the First Order (since rehashing is everywhere, why not call it the New Empire?) as having one Star Destroyer, a largish fleet of TIE fighters and a Death Planet wearing a belt buckle.  Despite these toys, it’s never explained how powerful the Order is or how large a stranglehold they already have on the galaxy.    

       The new rag-tag good guys are called the RESISTANCE which is a misnomer.  A Resistance implies a small force within occupied territory working to bring down an enemy.  This wasn’t that.  Leia’s mission to find Luke using Republic resources is more along the lines of a Special Operations Task Force. 

       TFA should have started with the First Order already ruling the galaxy, or the Republic and Order at war, with the plot of TFA being one story of the larger picture.  Another way to do it would have been to begin the movie with the Death Belt Buckle blowing up the Republic planets.      

Abrams makes the same mistake Lucas made with the prequels:  having one character as the focus of an entire trilogy.    

STAR TREK III WARS VII:  THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK LUKE

       I love Luke Skywalker.  He is, of course, a supremely important character:  galaxy-famous, hero of the Rebellion, ace pilot, the last Jedi.  He is a great asset to the Light Side, both as leader and symbol, but he’s still just one guy in a galaxy of trillions.  The slapdash reason TFA offers for his disappearance (or self-exile) is as unbelievable as Han losing the Falcon.

       The original trilogy superbly balanced Luke’s personal quest against the larger story.  TFA begins off-balance by making Luke the MacGuffin (as it turns out, one of two).  If Luke is to be the Key to Everything, the story should have been told from his perspective from the start.

       We’ve seen how poorly the script has treated both Han and Leia, does anyone think a CG Luke, bouncing around like Palpatine in Sith) is going to be any better?

       The Resistance killed the Death Belt Buckle and Rey seems to be half-way to becoming a Jedi in 20 minutes (forgivable, since the dumb global masses required a lightsaber battle.)  So tell me, why do we need Luke?  Everyone seems to be kicking ass just fine without him.   

2015 IS THE NEW 1977

       Moving along, it’s surprising with all of the people involved in TFA’s creation, no one realized rehashing one of the plot points from Episode IV—a vulnerable droid having to hand-deliver vital information recorded on portable hardware—is obsolete.  It made sense in 1977, but now?  Whole fleets of ships move faster-than-light, yet there is STILL no internet? (It exists in the expanded SW universe as the ‘Holonet’).  The info can’t simply be beamed back to the Resistance, so we have entire armies fighting over a fucking THUMB DRIVE.  Not just any thumb drive, mind you, a drive that can only be accessed by one particular droid in the whole galaxy.  This is our most desperate running time. Help me, Screenwriters, you’re our only hope.

       I wanted to love this movie and see it over and over.  But when TFA isn’t referencing better SW movies it’s weighed down by plot holes you could fly a Star Destroyer though without scraping the sides.

 MAZTO CHIBATA OF TACO DONNA

       Let’s pause here to remind ourselves that the reason TFA exists is to make money.  Lucas likes money too, but he started with a story rather than a business plan. 

       You and I care, the makers of this dreck do not, because they don’t have to.  TFA will easily top 2 billion.  We will all dutifully see Episode 8.  

       Jar Jar Abrams has succeeded in his mission of getting asses (both meanings) in the seats.  He threw enough shit at the screen that stuck to appease most nerds and the real target audience: people who during the opening crawl, bark, “I DID’N COME TO NO MOVIE TO READ!”  Fans who question any of the illogical plot will not be heard above the cash-counting machines Hollywood and drug dealers use.  We will all dutifully see Episode 8.

       Watching a morning showing in a partially-filled theater, I had mostly tuned out by the time HarriSolo, Rey, Finn and BB-8 journey to yet another planet.  Han Solo, age 73, would not be running like a dope to some more powerful character, by then the galaxy should be running to HIM.   But no, same old shit.

       The sell-a-movie purpose for our crew to go to Takodana is to provide more nerd-nip:  show off practical effects and have a mini-battle to set up the obvious ending. 

       The story justification for going to Takodana is, “The Falcon needs new spark plugs and only the Autozone on this one planet has them.” George Lucas, sitting in the theater, was probably thinking All right!  Finally these White Slavers stole an idea from the PREQUELS! 

       Leia has a base somewhere with repair bays, security and weaponry.  Why not go there? 

       Nerd-nip.  Action schlock.

       So what does happen on Takodana?  Our heroes (and HarriSolo) seek out Maz Kobata, a Yoda-analogue and not-unpleasant CGI turtle with glasses.  For the less studious butter-drinkers in the audience, it has to be explained that Maz is, ‘over 1000 years old.’  In case they missed that, Maz also wears eyeglasses, so millenials will understand Maz is a literal millinerian. 

       Speaking of eyeglasses in the Star Wars universe:

  • Faster-than-Light travel
  • Anti-gravity vehicles
  • Ability to absorb entire star within a planet
  • Lightsabers and other energy weapons
  • Replace whole limbs with perfect replicas
  • Laser eye surgery No, not yet.

 

       I enjoyed seeing the creative aliens in Maz’s cantina/castle, but it didn’t make up for HarriSolo not being smart enough to know that spies frequent smugglers’ dens (Indiana Jones knew to conceal his face in the Nazi-controlled desert of Raiders.) 

       The Force calls Rey to the castle’s basement so she can find Anakin/Luke’s lightsaber.  How it ended up there will probably be explained in a $27.99 hardcover ($32.50 Canada) later on, but for now, who cares, it’s not important if Rey found it in some wreckage on Jakku, in Leia’s possession (the most logical place) or Toys“R”Us. 

       Rey touches the saber hilt and experiences a ‘vision’ which helps explain things to the illiterate/global audience, flashing trailer snippets from Episode 8.

       Maz the Wise Turtle then offers standard boilerplate about the Force.  (Obi-Wan Kenobi was able to explain the Force matter-of-factly, without Luke having a seizure.)

       The ensuing Takodana mini-battle using a handful of stormtroopers and a few TIE fighters and X-wings in the sky was weak.  We’ve seen these battles thousands of times in every format imaginable and we’ve been playing video games for decades where we fly these craft ourselves.  How about something ORIGINAL beyond the Original Trilogy?  We know Poe wasn’t going to be killed here, and no one cares about uncute alien species (like this fucker named after a Beastie Boys album) dying in X-wings.

       Maz has the same disease as HarriSolo:  she’s just dumb.  Forget how experienced an ancient alien would be in all things (the screenwriters did), with just the interest accrued from a modest savings account over 1000 years, Maz should own the whole planet, not just an unshielded, vulnerable castle; when the Order attacked she should have hit a button which turned the whole planet into a giant cannon, except we already have one.  

       The battle at Takodana is just prep for the fight on and over the Death Belt Buckle.  Here Finn is challenged by the one stormtrooper out of 100,000 in the Order who:

  • recognizes him without a helmet
  • brandishes a hand-to-hand weapon which also happens to block lightsaber blades.

       This action sequence shows how Finn is tough, but not quite there yet.  Rey does a little better but still gets kidnapped by Kylo Ross.

       I left to piss just before this battle, and was gone long enough to miss Chewbacca ripping that dude’s arm off and a firefight between Mr. Scott and aliens.  It must have been brief, since by the time I returned there were no cool-looking aliens running or taking up arms against the Order, a missed opportunity for the toy-sellers.     

       FINALLY, after all that, all the heroes except Rey (and HarriSolo, who isn’t one) meet up at the Resistance base, where Leia warns Han, “It’s the same ending as Episode IV.”

       I was disappointed by the movie’s treatment of Leia, we see so little of her it’s a letdown.   To explain some of what’s been going on the last 30 years, politics and such, Leia would be the one to tell it. 

       Both Leia and Han are the LAST characters who would be ‘devastated’ by their son turning to the Dark Side, especially with Vader being Leia’s father.  In the novels (I know, I know, the ‘Expanded Universe’ never happened and is now ‘Star Wars Legends’) Leia slowly develops her Force powers over 30 years, until she’s a competent Jedi in her own right.  In TFA, her only power seems to be feeling others in the Force, only from further away. 

       It would have made the story so much better to see her wielding a lightsaber, maybe taking out a small patrol of stormtroopers who happened upon the Resistance base.  Such a scene needn’t be over-the-top, just enough zing to thrill the old-timers but not ‘spoil’ the coming Luke-mania (which is certain to be a letdown.)  I keep imagining a round-table of assholes at Disney watching dailies of Carrie Fisher, shouting, “No one wants to see an old woman!  We’re losing millions of dollars every minute she’s on the screen!”

       Meanwhile the new Mad Max—a superior filmfeatured a whole tribe of geriatric women as brave, experienced warriors. 

KYLO ROSS

       The problem with being an old(er) fuck is everything reminds you of something or someone else.  Adam Driver gave a fine performance with the material given but his mannerisms and certain lines reminded me of David Schwimmer from Friends, thus:  Kylo Ross.

       The problem with Kylo Ross is he’s a character doomed from the start to fit a mold, only instead of being frozen in carbonite he’s imprisoned in Lazy Writing.  We are made to think he’s “complicated” and thus “real” but his character fails the simplest of logic tests, for example…

       We are told Luke trained Ben Solo who later became Kylo Ross.  Kylo idolizes his grandfather Darth Vader.  So I guess at no time OVER YEARS did Luke sit Ben’s ass down and explain Vader returned to the Light, reappearing as Force-ghost Anakin, so there’s no Vader listening in the burned-out helmet, Ben bought on eBay.

       During Episode IV, Darth Vader hung out at the Death Star because he didn’t really have anything else to do.  The Jedi were all extinct (so he thought) and the Empire was large enough they could complete the first Death Star without interference from those meddling kids.  Going after The Stolen Plans was probably the first time in a long time Vader got to stretch his robotic legs, but other than being intimidating he had no tracking skills:  the Empire was going to have to dredge the galaxy for The Plans whether he was around or not.

       Kylo Ross is young, healthy and lives in a completely different era, even though it’s a reboot of Ep. IV.  He wasn’t needed to defend the Death Belt Buckle (we have no idea if he’s even a pilot) and while his personal entourage had it easier with him on point, there seemed to be enough stormtroopers around to get any job done without him.  Since he’s not hunting Luke directly, he would really only come into play once Luke SkymacGuffin was found.

       We’re told by Snoke that Kylo’s training isn’t complete, yet at the start Kylo freezes a blaster bolt in mid-air, something not even Vader could do.  Lazy writing. 

THE FIRST ORDER…OF FRIES

       Nothing and no one in the First Order was scary or evil at all.  The massacre of the remaining people on the Camping Planet by stormtroopers is implied but not shown.  Anyway who gives a fuck, it’s the beginning of the movie.     

       General Ginger Hux’s rousing speech to the assembled First Order was rather lame (red hair and a stupid hat, you’re not scaring anyone, dude) but hey, he’s more convincing than obozo pretending to fight ISIS. 

       The multicultural stew of knuckleheads working the controls of the Star Destroyer (and later Death Belt Buckle) looked like telemarketers, or maybe art was copying life and they were H1B foreign replacements of the original First Order, as Disney (the true evil Empire) enjoys betraying and murdering their fathers, er, employees. 

       Remember those scary fuckers on the first Death Star with those eyeless executioner helmets who had no hesitation firing the superlaser that blew up Alderaan?  It was surprisingly easy for the First Order Call Center to flip the switches which “killed” billions of extras.

WHERE THERE’S SNOKE THERE’S BOREDOM

       “Snoke.”  That’s the best, most terrifying name for an evil character they could invent?  Why not Screech?  At least we know what the fuck a screech is, and that a screech is at the very least unpleasant.  

       We’re stuck with Snoke, unless he proves to be a Wizard of Oz-type hologram for a more badass character (not likely).  Snoke (hologram only) looks and sounds like an eloquent British Gollum; ’tis no wonder since it’s the Gollum-actor of this CG puppet playing him. 

       Like Kylo Ross, Space Gollum is trapped in a mold.  He has to be mysterious and behind-the-scenes, even though his résumé is well-known across the galaxy.

       From a story-perspective, not a Script-101-for-foreign-markets-perspective, Snoke should be commanding (or leading in person) all the Knights of Ren, not just Kylo.  Ten or twelve Dark Siders running around the galaxy causing chaos, perhaps training others, is more of a reason to find Luke.

       If Snoke were a better character, he wouldn’t risk Kylo hanging around and lingering on the Light side, instead tasking him with something difficult if not impossible, like hunting Luke down alone or with these other purported Knights (again, the weak script is kept “safe” from questions because we have no idea if these other Knights are even around.) 

       Kylo has something more valuable than an implausible map, he’s trained with Uncle Luke and knows how he thinks.  Let the stormtroopers hunt down the soccer ball:  if they find it, great, he’ll return.  Right now Kylo has more important shit to do.  Or should.

       The new villain should’ve been a beautiful woman (or gaggle of women) as they cause plenty of trouble without even trying.

FORD REDUX

       Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee, but nobody really doesn’t like Harrison Ford.  Some dislike his silly arch-liberal politics but in 4 decades I’ve never met anyone—anyone—who ‘hated’ or even disliked him.  

       If there’s such a thing as a sweet spot for universal likability, Harrison Ford is its epicenter.  

       Two Ford movies I never planned to watch but stumbled upon, Sabrina and Regarding Henry, he made palatable, if not enjoyable.  His presence has saved many a mediocre film. 

       I stand by my opinion Ford didn’t make any real effort with TFA’s Han Solo.  I recently saw 2011’s Cowboy and Aliens, a good if overly long epic, and Ford was spot-on as The Colonel, an angry, grizzled (that word again) Civil War veteran and wealthy cattleman.  The Colonel was closer to the real Han Solo than HarriSolo. 

Ford was about 68 when Cowboys was filmed, and then as in TFA, no one expected him to be doing parkour off of buttes and cacti.  He wasn’t even the star, but his character had more depth than usually found in a sci-fi, Western action film.      

 

A FEW MINOR COMPLAINTS

       I predicted Abrams would have to blow up a planet (or two) to outdo Star Trek, not exactly a Nostradamus-level feat.  Instead he blew up FIVE planets and I couldn’t care less about those foolish-looking extras. Whomever originally said the following about the Boston Massacre is disputed, but the idea is clear:   “There ought to be no less than three or four killed so we will have martyrs for the Revolution. However, there should be no more than twenty, because once you get beyond that number, we no longer have martyrs, but simply a sewage problem.”

        One planet (or two) equals martyrdom, five is a sewage problem.  In TFA there was no equivalent to a horrified Leia watching Alderaan blow up.  Why would the Order destroy all five worlds?  Make an example of the one with the fewest resources and seize the others.  Watching the surviving Republic planets surrender like chickenshits would have been more desperate and meaningful.

 

SCENE FROM A PLAY WITH NO NAME

        FRIDAY NIGHT.  Two nerds, Pear and Crewcut, drink whole milk and role 20-sided dice.

PEAR:  TIE fighters being held down by bicycle cable locks?  IT IS TO LAUGH. 

CREWCUT:  Clearly that was a power cable.

PEAR:  AS YOU WELL KNOW, TIE fighters are powered by “wings” made of solar panels.  But say you’re correct, as you so rarely are, and they require trickle charging.  Why doesn’t the ‘power cable’ attach and detach via magnetism like the power cord on an Apple laptop?  That way they could immediately scramble in the event of an attack.

        A long silence, then crickets.  The kitchen clock strikes 8pm.

CREWCUT:  I withdraw my argument.  (dropping die into Pear’s milk.)  For now.

FIN (not Finn)

A MOMENT WITH JAY J. ABRIMMS, A NO-ACT PLAY  

Hack  #1:  JJ, we have a billion dollar budget.  Why don’t we hire the most successful and popular Star Wars novelists of the past 25 years and have a roundtable where they can give us all sorts of ideas for a brand new story?

Hack  #2:  Yes, or at least hire one or two as consultants.

J-brimms:  Are you shitting me?  That billion is earmarked for coke whores and a few puppets!  (Holds up script for A New Hope) We already have the script for Episode 7, motherfuckers.  You two should be glad I keep you around!  HAIL SATAN!

Hacks: (in unison) HAIL SATAN!

 

Special thanks to GCM for his insights in writing this review.

 

Prediction-y Guesses for Star Wars 7

Monday, 17 November 2014

I don’t like the subtitle.  “THE FORCE AWAKENS” promises some stupid shit/tampering with the Force concept, just like midichlorians.

Yoda, Darth Vader, Emperor, Boba Fett will all be in it: oh, c’mon, these guys ARE Star Wars. They’ll be back in dreams / flashbacks / computer holofiles and they sure as hell will be back as TOYS.  (Yaay!)

Slow-motion lightsaber shit: rehashing of specific and popular violent special effects of the last 10 years, particularly the slowed-to-a-crawl-then-sped-up attacks from 300.  I also expect the ‘lightwhip’ to show up. If you don’t know what that is, congrats on having a life.

Droid’s Eye View: we get to see how R2 and 3PO see the world.  Do info and numbers run across their viewports like the Terminator’s?  Who can know?  Or care?  Besides me?

Android: Droids that look exactly like humans (at least one).

Jedi Wookie: there is one in the novels (though the novels are being ignored) and it would be cool; (don’t kill Chewie, either.)

Planet(s) will die: the director destroyed two planets already in Star Trek.  All bets are off.

Superweapon Mania: if it’s not Death Star 3.0 it will be very close to it, or multiple smaller Death Stars.

THE ARTIFACT:  Hitchcock called it the McGuffin, either way it’s an object to build a movie around.

Endless chase scene:  a battle to end all battles that starts in space, goes to atmosphere/sky, then ocean/swamps on speeder bikes, then….

Tatooine: it’s expected.

Dagobah: someone else has to visit THE CAVE to foresee the plot of Star Wars 8

Hoth: maybe.

Endor: no.

The Jedi Academy:  very likely.

References to anything prequel-related: present but hopefully extremely limited

A subtle insult to George Lucas for “ruining” Star Wars with the prequels and endless tampering with Eps. 4-6: we can only hope.

Darth Maul:  probably not the actual Darth Maul, but a Zabrak, the alien race Darth Maul was/is.

Jabba the Hutt/Hutts:  probably not the actual Jabba, but a Hutt, the alien race Jabba was/is.

Losing more limbs: heroes will be losing limbs and getting robot limbs.

Offspring of Luke or Han/Leia turning to Dark Side: likely, if there is no Sith element, this, will be…this…will be…

Sith: 80% likely to appear, 100% via “holocron.”

Death of Jar Jar Binks: this is more of an intensely strong suggestion than prediction. Having Jar Jar die a horrible, fiery (but “heroic”) death would add an additional half-billion to what will likely be the first movie to top 2 billion dollars.

Politics: I pray the story stays just that: a story from, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….”  

Fans/nerds will be reading shit into it and seeing things that aren’t there no matter what, so PLEASE no “hard-hitting” fucktarded messages about saving the environment, bullshit global warming, the evils of greed (Hi Disney), etc.

PRE-PLANNED FAN RAGE:  the creators will deliberately fuck up something sacred to enrage fans and then leak it early, which will in turn provide millions in free advertising.