Archive for the ‘Stuff Only I Think About’ Category

The snow monster in Hannibal

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Huge fan of Hannibal.  The show is a beautiful nightmare from start to finish.  Of course, if either Miriam or Beverly had simply left Jack a message (or put it in their own notes) that they were investigating Hannibal Lecter and to arrest him if they disappeared, the show would already be over.

I’m bringing up Hannibal now to see if anyone else saw the “snow monster.”  It appears during the last third of the episode “Shiizakana” when Will Graham is outside his house scanning for the mechanical beast.

I can’t imagine this thing is there by accident.  Here’s the picture.  Looks like a giant monstrous rabbit crouched to strike.

I love the shit out of this show!  Watching Hannibal cook (humans) always makes me hungry.

Hannibal Snow Monster

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Friendships can die of natural causes

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

I’ve known Dalby for half my life, 20 years. We met on the same job and from there went our separate ways, often for years at a time in separate states.

Now we’re in the same state, although he’s too far away for causal visits.  He’s
lived with the same woman now for about 12 years. I’ve never lived with a woman. He’s into a bunch of stupid shit, I’m into a different bunch of shit, most of it probably stupid to him.

Our friendship is dead. It may surprise one who hasn’t experienced it to have a
friendship die of natural causes. It happens, and why not? Relationships die all
the time, not just the ones peppered with declarations of love and fucking. 

Even before Dalby started seeing a shrink, I knew it was over. Very infrequently did I contact him, nor do I seek his counsel. I cat-sitted at his place while he went on vacation.

The last time I saw him was yesterday and the night before. I drove two hours in horrible traffic and rain but was eager the whole way. I stayed overnight and left yesterday afternoon simmering in anger, anger that only now is beginning to dissipate.

What changed? Well, there’s a core of respect in every friendship, and no longer does Dalby honor it. In every relationship, one person leads and one follows, even if only slightly. The best friendships alternate who leads and who follows, depending on circumstances. Dalby now ignores that equation entirely, meaning even if he’s being passive, he maintains an arrogance too intense for friendship. I’m not the type of person that demands unearned respect, but after all these years I’m not even getting the basics from him.

Those are the long-term problems; the immediate problem is his fucking shrink. I have a feeling she’s full of shit, perhaps no more than the rest of us, except she’s demanding payment for it. It’s not even her that’s the problem, it’s the stink of shrinkology itself.

Have you noticed that everyone who comes in contact with shrinks or shrinkology suddenly fancies themselves studious observers of the human race who automatically know everyone else’s problems and (oh goody!) knows how to solve them? You’re duty-bound to meet someone like this eventually, you might even be that person.

So Dalby is attempting to remove negativity from his life. I would argue that it’s more important to recognize and remove obstacles from one’s path, be they negatives OR positives. A pie-in-the-sky hope can be just as crippling as an automatic sour grapes attitude. Dalby and his shrink’s shadow don’t see this distinction. I was greatly offended by two things he said, the first that he remembers my compassion for others over the years being limited to leaving some quarters behind for the next person at a self-service car wash (although he thanked me for it, I also bought 60 bucks worth of food for us over the 1.25 days I was there).

Dalby also remembers the time I invited him to fly to and from our home state when he was on one side of the country and I the other (we both flew into the home state) and put him up my entire week-long vacation, but apparently fails to remember I paid for all of it  (unless things get extreme, true friends don’t keep running tabs on every kindness and coin bestowed).

An interlude: over dinner, Dalby was being rude with his cell, to the point his own girl told him to stop texting her and enjoy our time together. I actually demanded he give me the phone (to put it out of reach) when he got pissy. From the casual reader’s perspective, and most people today in love with their phones, such a request might seem outrageous. The casual reader misses the point: the standoff with the phone was the moment a 20-year-friendship truly ended. It wasn’t about a phone, it was about respect. My recognition of the end was confirmed shortly thereafter when Dalby went on about the girl he lived with before his current girl. Though she was no saint, he admitted he treated her like shit.

“Why did she stay?”
“I don’t know. She thought she could change me.”

It didn’t paint Dalby in a favorable light.

The second outrageous thing he said was more a recounted cluster of events revolving around his being “lost” in our early years, how he’d found my other friends and me and embraced our misanthropy. Dalby wasn’t recounting these tales of youthful angst with any fondness, he was portraying himself as an innocent and duped victim of the negative influences we all generated. More of the shrink’s stinking shadow in the background.

When I asked if a person who pointed out how things don’t fit together is as valuable to the world as the opposite, he demurred, implying his father had been the former and taken the same negative attitude towards his own kids (apparently the shrink is big on having patients talk to their inner child).

He also mentioned a random girl who was a psychic vampire (a term I taught him 15 years ago) who would come over for a few hours, after which Dalby and his girlfriend would just want to sleep. The implication was that I may be having the same effect on him., otherwise why bring it up?

What Dalby doesn’t understand–beyond the obvious that the friendship is over and done–is that a true psychic vampire seeks others just like an extrovert does. I, on the other hand, would be happy never to see or hear about 99.999% of the human race ever again. I don’t need them or him, the bulk of our shared karma is complete, and since he’s turned to shrinkology, don’t want to be near him.

(Another fringe benefit of being a shrink’s victim is feeling completely justified in being an asshole, since you “put in the work” to rationalize your own behavior).

I know when to be kind or at least diplomatic, but I’ll be a son of a bitch if I’m going to waste any time around people who require everyone around them to keep in line, limiting what they’re allowed to say, and sometimes even think.

It’s a terrible world, or if you want to be charitable, a mostly terrible world. Humor and sarcasm are my sword and shield, and if people don’t like it, they’re free to go off and listen to One Direction or suck a shotgun barrel.

So that’s it for Dalby. What to do about it I don’t know. Nothing, probably. He lives far away enough that it doesn’t matter, I rarely see him, and after this last meeting, have no real desire to see him again.

Friendships can and do die. Of natural causes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dream shit

Friday, 2 November 2012

The first part of the dream I was running around a Walmart-type building which housed a giant ballroom in the basement. I was chasing a girl I’d loved in high school (blown it).

The Walmart was closing and people were being kicked out.  I followed the girl to her car.  She ignored me completely, as if I were a ghost, and left with someone else.

The second part of the dream I went back in the store and beat an eight-year-old to death with an axe handle.  I then ran around the strip mall parking lot, avoiding other members of his evil family.  I had a cellphone but could not dial 911. Finally I decided I would have to kill all of my pursuers rather than be hunted.  I stole cars and just before awakening, hung over traffic clinging to the ski of a helicopter.

I blame eating both steak and chicken salad during the same meal last night.  The girl, long now a woman, is married in real life, out there somewhere in the world…

 

Braco: greatest of all super-geniuses

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

This guy is the greatest super-genius in the world, yet I know people who would be too lazy to even stand and stare lovingly at a crowd for 5 minutes.

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Did you see that broad at the beginning? With the OK face and fantastic titties?

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I would’ve stared at her titties for free, but Braco (pronounced “Braht-zoh”) made her pay $8 before he would.

Braco = greatest super-genius in the world.  

Soon Braco won’t even have to leave the house to stare at you.

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MRS. SIMS? May I call you JENNY?

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Start with this gem, an ad for TV Guide which I NEVER GOT TO SEE when it was running all those centuries ago. I agree with the many commenters who wished this was a real song.

S.K.U.M.

——————-

There are only two commercials I have never found in all my years of wasting time online. It’s possible they’re part of collections of commercials from different eras people have put on youtube.

The first is an infomercial-quailty commercial for a specialized cutlery set that “carves” foods into objects, including a watermelon whale, beautiful egg people and the excitement in the announcer’s voice reaching an hysterical climax:  “THE COLORFUL JOLLY HEN!”

A lot of people probably remember the Colorful Jolly Hen, but it has scant references online, two, I think.

The other impossible-to-find commercial is by AT&T, for a new feature: CALL BLOCKING.

Just press *67

Here’s the commercial from memory:

SCENE: Obsessive argyle-wearing NERD on a landline: (whiny voice) I love you, etc., you can’t stop me, I’ll keep calling and callng and calling…

A HARRIED HOUSEWIFE takes the phone away from her ear and punches * 6-7. At his end the NERD vanishes with an audible pop.

AT&T voiceover guy introduces the new feature: CALL BLOCKING.

Pushy SALEPRICK in cheap suit: MRS. SIMS? May I call you JENNY?

AT&T voice explains how to use *67

SALESPRICK: So how many of my fine products would you like?

The HOUSEWIFE hits the code and the SALESPRICK vanishes like the NERD.

AT&T voice wraps it up.

Now, the best part:

CUT TO: An 80s ROCK REJECT with hair like Pauly Shore sits with his feet on his desk in his room. Behind him on the shelves. among other things, sits a “morning star” mace. A two-string guitar CHORD fiddles in the background. 

ROCKER (sounding like a New Yawk wiseguy) HEY-AYYY! Ya DAUGHTER THERE?

The HOUSEWIFE lets him have it.

It’s possible these lost commercials are hidden in compilations of late-90s commercials people have put on youtube. Drop a line if you find or remember them.

Until then:

YEAHHH!
We’re coming, we’re coming
we’re coming for your young
we’re coming, we’re coming
screaming at the top of our lungs
screaming at the top of our lungs
SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUUUUNNNNGS….

 

Onward, Suri Ward!

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Wanted to return to shit-ass blogging with something absolutely useless and mundane.  

Here it is:  

Suri-Ward

That’s right.  Character actor Fred “Remo Williams/Henry Miller” Ward looks like the real father of Suri “Last Samurai” Cruise, the not-so-adorable, spoiled rotten offspring of Tom “Xenu’s #1 Disciple” Cruise and overgrown elf Katie Holmes.  

Sure beats the alternate theory:  THE KID’S FUCKING CHINESE AND NO ONE ADMITS IT. 

Some people that look alike. Some that almost do.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010


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These two ain’t twins by any means but really, who cares? Not my wang. Moran has more of a snubnose while Kreuk’s slopes.


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The first time I saw Ramirez I thought she WAS Hyapatia Lee; impossible for so many reasons. If there’s ever a TV movie about Hyapatia Lee, Sara Ramirez has the part, minus a few easily shed lbs. Ramirez looks like she’d be gorgeous plus-or-minus 50 pounds but as you can see from her pic, she obviously knows it.

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Recently and for the first time I saw the pivotal scene of Old Yeller. It’s supposed to be sad and it sort of is, but I’ll tell you what movie scene will make you cry:  Laraine Newman as the promiscuous ‘Linda’ in the 1985 movie Perfect, living in the shadow of her big-titted best friend ‘Sally’ (Marilu Henner).  Linda, small-breasted with a bump in her nose, has to put on a brave face at Sally’s engagement party.  She goes in the kitchen to cry but can’t cause the apartment is full of people, John Travolta among them.  It’s the eternal tragedy of the less-pretty friend echoing through eternity, and who would suspect to find such a heart-crushing scene in a panned movie I bet you can’t even find.  So anyway I looked at Tommy Kirk and thought, “Holy shit, it’s Bill Hicks as a kid.” Then I went out and bought milk.


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I apologize Bob, you had nothing to do with this, life is cruel. But if you dressed up as Kagan and told the kenyan muslim you didn’t want to be the next radical left-wing communist he uses to  infiltrate the Supreme Court, I would send you an e-card of thanks.

I’m glad this post is over.  It’s a lot of work prepping these photos.



Doublegay early 90s

Monday, 26 April 2010

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Scanned from the archives, aka the big pile of hoarded papers in the corner. I love the sexy girl with her tongue out and the cream already on her lips…then you’ve got this random huge-mouthed doublegay doofus making it funny. “Doublegay” is a level of gayness so gay it makes a regular gay person look straight by comparison.

The early 90s. What a glorious time both to be alive and wish you were dead.

I AM…WTF?

Monday, 26 April 2010

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I strongly liked–but not loved–the first Iron Man, and I’m sure the sequel will be almost as good. I also like smoked ham, but never in a quadrillion years would I associate Iron Man with lunchmeats. If these LandO’Frost folks were sincere about this ridiculous association, for a limited time they should rename their product IRON HAM. I would buy the shit out of a product named Iron Ham.

This image is WTF

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

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