Kylo Ren, don’t make me feel gay

 

I don’t like feeling gay.

Gay in this sense has nothing to do with homosexuality, it’s a kind of shame or embarrassment by association with an object or idea ruined by obviousness, obnoxiousness or nescience.

The word “ghey” has been offered as a way to describe this feeling but it’s bullshit for two reasons:

1) ‘Gay’ had several other meanings before homosexual, and gays from that time forward didn’t offer an alternate spelling to separate themselves from the original meaning.

2) The well-intentioned but foolish adopter of “ghey” is left having to spell G-H-E-Y after saying, “gay” so as not to offend nearby gays. Who needs extra work?

Saw this today at the supermarket and yes, it made me feel gay:

I understand putting other SW characters on the boxes, including the fucking soccer ball that doesn’t need to eat. But how can Kylo Ren, wimpy-named villain and Vader groupie give a fuck about nutrition or pleasing kids, especially with a product name as GAY as GO-GURT?

More laughable is the new SW movie is rated PG-13, which means there’s a possibility of KR decapitating some poor fool with a lightsaber. This could be the Madonna/Pepsi controversy of this decade, especially since the new lightsaber looks like a burning cross.

 

 

 

 

And then there’s this:  

 

SLURP SABER.  

Slurp Saber…is funny.  

 

VITAL UPDATE:  The Force Awakens has been out for a few weeks.  By featuring Kylo Ren, Go-Gurt is advocating patricide.  Seems about right. 

 

How I picture government (which still sux)

Second-longest answer: a bicycle with octagonal tires and no pedals, pushed by Black midgets out of breath from singing praises to a fat-assed, self-important rider facing backwards, violently overreacting to obstacles long since passed while throwing handfuls of taxpayer money into the air like confetti.

Longest Answer:

There’s a scene in American Ninja where “Joe” (Michael Dudikoff) is slinking around a warehouse with a sword taken from some lesser-skilled unfortunate. He rounds a corner into an open space…

Four ninja leap down, each holding a corner of a net. As the net drops, Joe simply raises his sword and slices through it, then proceeds to dispatch the idiots.

TO WITNESS THIS BRILLIANCE FOR YOURSELF JUST CLICK THESE WORDS AND FORWARD TO THE 9:00 MARK.

Those four ninja are what government is to me: bumbling, incompetent, arrogant, needlessly complicating things and addicted to unnecessary force. No one on the Net Trap Committee said, “Hey, this is 1985, why don’t we all carry machine guns instead of archaic weapons and when Joe is trapped, we kill the lights and use night vision goggles!”

Government efficiency. Ha ha ha.