Posts Tagged ‘Clark Kent’

They got Superman wrong. Again.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

I’ve tried and tried to write a review of the steaming turd known as Man of Steel. I can’t do it, a written explanation of what’s wrong with it read aloud would take longer than the movie.

Because I love the Superman mythos too much and am too close to the subject matter, I’ve decided instead to highlight two scenes, one which sinks the movie and one which could have (almost) saved it, and by saved I mean doubled whatever its final box office gross will be.

Clark, inexplicably miserable after saving the lives of two dozen men on a burning oil platform is shown walking around a family’s house. He has pants but needs a shirt, so he ‘borrows’ one folded on the tailgate of a car. I waited patiently for the next moment when Clark would see some sort of yardwork or project that the homeowners had left halfway completed and finished it at superspeed as payment, but it didn’t happen. Due to the dreary, depressed tone of the movie I knew there would also be no later scene of Clark shipping the laundered clothing back, maybe with a little thank-you cash. No, in Man of Steal, Clark is a common thief. A quarter of a million dollars spent creating a movie, including meticulous Easter eggs to delight the nerds, and nobody involved remembered that while humans steal, Clark Kent/Superman DOES NOT steal. Ever. It’s as egregious an error as having Batman grab a machine gun and kill a criminal.

So what might have saved Man of Steel? 

A recent, far better movie called Chronicle, about three teens who develop telekinetic powers, has a scene where they use their powers to fly around. They whoop and holler through the sky and have a great time, like real people would. When Clark dons the suit the first time, it’s starting a job. He practices speeding around, joylessly. There’s maybe a split second when he cracks a smile, but that’s it. We’ve seen better flying, done more creatively, in dozens of other movies. 

A scene missing from MoS more than any other is Clark admiring earth from space. Superman Returns had one, but it failed because it depicted Superman as messiah, towering over the earth.

Superman should simply have floated there, awestruck. He can’t do it all, but he’s here to do what he can, earth is his home. Because he was raised with the best values humanity can offer, he is humbled by the very planet he could easily rule with a steel fist. Even the suit is optional for such a scene, it would have been far more striking to have Clark floating there in normal clothing, perhaps with a backpack slung over one shoulder. (That would have been a far more impressive movie poster too).

A floating-above-earth scene probably wouldn’t have redeemed this clumsy disaster movie, but it would have provided a reason for Clark to save earth from Zod and partially justify the endless and callous destruction to come.

So there you have it, the scene that ruined this movie’s depiction of Superman and the nonexistent scene that would have almost redeemed it.

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Smallville Season 8 Finale – Sucked

Thursday, 14 May 2009

I’m not gonna put any more effort into this review than the writers did with Smallville’s season finale.

Really, the show is so bad that I’m more impressed with how little the producers are offering fans and how much they’re getting away with rather than how well any story is told.

Doomsday, both character and storyline, was a total flop, and the featured non-battle lasting less than a minute was exactly what I figured they’d do, with the exception that Super-Lana was nowhere to be seen.

I didn’t look for any announcements online that a Season 9 had been approved, hell, maybe it hasn’t been. It would almost be a blessing to leave it all in limbo.

The obscenities against fans are stacking up: power orbs, talismans, prophecies, the female Lex wannabe, a dumbfuck Clark whose powers are stripped from him or their limitations rewritten every other episode, and now future/time travel shit with the League from the Future or whoever they are, brought in as a plot-saving cheap stunt in the vein of “it was all a dream”: I can’t believe there’s any Smallville fan over the age of 12 who shed a tear when Jimmy Olsen “died”.

I’m wondering if the one guy who actually visited M39 to argue that ‘you’re not being forced to watch the show’ would still show his face after tonight’s miscarriage.

Why do I still subject myself to Smallville? Because I love Superman and the Superman mythos.

Unfortunately for the still-millions of Smallville fans, we’re not being entertained and rewarded for caring.

We’re only watching for signs of life.

Everyone Loves Smallville!

Friday, 6 February 2009

And I mean EVERYONE!

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I meant to cover Season 8 before the episodes started up again in 2009, but failed.

Three 2009 episodes premiered before I even knew S-ville was back on!

Season 8 is much better than the dreadful Season 7.  That’s all I’m gonna say about it for now.

Smallville In Extremis

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

It’s sheer kryptonite masochism to even write about Smallville anymore. The last 3 episodes have been as dismal as the previous.

Jimmy Olsen as 007/Bourne – Another “20 hours earlier” crapfest. My favorite part is when Olsen soundlessly drops from an AC duct. Must be a great feeling to start out an aw-shucks camera-wielding doofus only to discover you’re a ninja who can dance like Arthur Murray when forced into service by an agent of the “Department of Domestic Security.”

What if? – What if Clark had never made it to earth for some reason? Who knows, nobody bothered to come up with an interesting answer. Clark and his idiot super-cheekboned cousin can’t dodge a bullet across the room just because it’s made with kryptonite. This after countless previous seasons’ encounters where Clark had time to yawn and cook eggs at superspeed while various bullets crawled out of the ends of guns. If k-bullets were all it took to kill him, every villain would have such a gun.

Once again, Rosenbaum finds himself in the natty ironic all-white Apocalypse suit while the same footage of Judgment Day missiles from Terminator 3 gets re-used. Whew! That saves us writers like, a whole minute of creating anything new!

Then we’re treated to one of the most absurd scenes in the entire series’ history when Clark holds his baby self and places him in the ship that will carry him to earth! Is this still a dream? If not, where are Jor-El and Lara? Why does Clark lose his powers 2 seconds after skipping through the portal to Krypton? (Yes, I know about the red sun, but only kryptonite drains him that fast, otherwise, he loses his powers slowly).

(We interrupt this review with a mini-rant about Brainiac. This fucking plot irritant has never been given a solid background or explanation as to why it’s programmed to be evil, nor does Clark EVER try querying the Fortress crystals/Snore-El for answers about how to defeat it [or fly]).

The current episode where Lex follows yet another MacguffinI don’t know what to say about the “Veritas” plotline other than that it’s dumb. Just…dumb.

Wait…my super-hearing is picking up a meeting of Smallville’s writing team…

Smallville Writer #1: ….so we make Lionel part of this secret society that knew about Clark “The Traveler” all along!

Smallville Writer #2: But that makes no sense! It negates whole seasons’ worth of build-up! What about the Malachi caves?

Smallville Writer #3: Kawachi caves, dummy. Malachi was the name of the brothers in Happy Days that tried to crush the Fonz in a demolition derby. Thus, the Malachi Crunch.

SW#1: How did you know that?

SW#3: I’ve got internet access on my Sprint Gigapump Phonetextthingy! Everything you need!

SW#2: Shit. I’d have known that but I left my Sprint Gigapump Phonetextthingy in my Toyota Yaris. It’s sitting between the Yaris’s standard dual airbags and mp3 jack, right next to my pack of Stride Penguinmint Gum!

SW#1: AS I WAS SAYING, Lionel was part of this Secret Society along with Christopher Reeve, I mean, Virgil Swan. We just make everyone a part of this Secret Society in order to fill in any plot holes we missed: Swan, Margot Kidder, Chloe’s Mom Lynda Carter, The Queens, Lois’s Dad The General, Lana’s Parents, The Olsens, The Olsen Twins, The Trumps, The Jeffersons, The Bunkers, The Flintstones–

SW#2: —The Kents. (The other two look at him.) No? You said everyone! What’s the name of this Secret Society, anyway?

SW#1: I don’t know, but it’s got to be something Latin. Yaritas?

SW#3: Worry about that later. This Secret Sprint society will be the reason Lionel was always busy and ignoring Lex! Even though we’re not mentioning it till now!

SW#1: Because up until now it was a secret!

SW#2: What about when Lionel was made a Kryptonian vessel by Jor-El and won that episode’s superpowers lottery? Didn’t he get all of the answers right then? How could be give a crap about the Stride Gum Society after learning everything?!

SW#1: The answer to that, my friends, is simple. We kill off Lionel.

SW#2: Can’t we just make him blind again? Or shave his head in slow motion? That was cool.

SW#3: All right, let’s get started. We need another villain this week. The rebel vampire guy from Buffy?

SW#1: What the hell! It’s lunchtime! I’m having a salad! A very-tossed salad!

SW#2: Did you just say “veritas?” Isn’t that Latin?


This week we got a dose of “The Doctor” from Voyager as the last survivor of Veritas. Once again a mere mortal gets the drop on Clark–who can move at a speed par with light–by opening a secret lead compartment on his staff, revealing that all-purpose plot device, kryptonite. Oh well, even Clark’s not fast enough to speed away from lazy writing.

There was one cool moment this episode: the workings of the creepy CGI clock. spoiled only by the rest of the episode surrounding it. One cool moment in an hour (40 minutes, if you have Tivo) ain’t enough. Lest you challenge my opinion of the lameness, when Clark speeds out of the church the candles near the doorway don’t even flutter.

Coming up next week, it appears Lex, after weeks of chasing Super Macguffins around the globe, finally discovers the Fortress and possibly Clark’s “secret” now known by at least 10 or more people. Incidentally, the Fortress of “Solitude” has seen almost as many guests as the rent-controlled apartments on Friends.

I don’t know how finding the Fortress will enable Lex to ‘control’ Clark when NO ONE, including SuperBlonde Cheekbones who lived on Krypton for many years, knows how to operate it. The thing must’ve been made in China as it’s provided ZERO help from the day it was created. You’ve got the last remnant of an advanced world and civilization yet the writers can’t make a single compelling story around it. That, friends, is a total load of Stride.

A step behind

Thursday, 13 December 2007

Another thing Superman Returns had against it, besides an awful story, is the number of movie characters who have convincingly flown in the past few years (thanks to green screens and computers):

Neo from The Matrix
Harry Potter and Friends
Batman (glides)
Spider-Man (close enough)
Hulk (leaps)
Storm, Magneto (sort of) and the Gay Hawk Guy from X-Men
Flames Guy from Fantastic Four
and from their own franchise:

Smallville’s Clark Kent (at times) Zod/Lex Luthor, Martian Man Hunter, Bizarro and Supergirl.

Now a new version of KITT for a new made-for-tv movie has been revealed. Sure, it looks cool, but didn’t most of us just see a whole FLEET of cool vehicles that become convincing-as-hell CGI robots in Transformers?

Half of Hollywood is a step behind.