Snake Eyes 2021 (film review)

TL;DR Standard action thriller, only not thrilling and overly long. Grade: D

Snake Eyes IS G.I.Joe. Among fans he’s the first character they associcate with the franchise. He’s a badass ninja (commando) steeped in mystery (never speaks, is possibly hideously scarred.) His enemy/blood brother Storm Shadow is also a ninja working for EEBIL Cobra, but so popular they had him become a good guy for a time.

On to the movie: I appreciate they tried to tell a story with few gimmicks, aimed at the 80s audience, but it fails, mainly because the story’s internal logic is skewed. Also, you feel every minute of its two hour length, not good.

The guy playing Snake Eyes is just OK. Not the actor’s fault, but the movie ‘s Snake Eyes is one-dimensional and lacks the mystery and tragedy of the character, who deserved way better. Even worse, this Snake Eyes isn’t a hero and his stupid actions triggered tragedies which got a lot of people needlessly killed. By the end you feel bad for Storm Shadow, who gets fucked over.

They should’ve made the movie about Storm Shadow, since then we’d have some idea what the hell is the point of a modern ninja clan in present day Japan. Their existence is never explained. They seem pretty damned wealthy. What do they do for money? Do they work for the highest bidder? Who else knows they exist? How often do they recruit outsiders? The clan appears to be aware of Cobra’s existence as well as G.I. Joe’s, but doesn’t fight Cobra as a clan. They (have to) have a loose-leaf affiliation with the Joes for story reasons. (Scarlett is in this movie as a desexualized unstoppable Dollar Store version of Black Widow. Cobra’s Baroness also makes an appearance and is sort-of sexy, for a “terrorist.”)

One of the minor points and characters pissed me off the most. The ninja clan is led by an old Japanese woman we’ll call Granny Ninja (Granninja?) When the ninja clan’s castle is attacked, I assumed Granny would be killed and this would be the turning point of the movie. NOPE! In my foolish hopes for a good story, I forgot that all women in movies are now indestructable Mary Sues. Granny doesn’t die, but instead kicks ass. Because she survives, she’s around to screw Storm Shadow out of his inherited birthright to lead the clan over what can be construed as a technicality, one which would’ve saved many lives Granny’s in-place defense plans couldn’t.

Overall the action in Snake Eyes 2021 is ‘meh’ and never decides if it’s shooting for semi-realism or full-blown 80s ninja magic. For the story it told it didn’t have to be two hours long; there are other interesting characters whose backstories are never explored despite this long-ass run time.

I never expected Snake Eyes 2021 to be a masterpiece, but wasn’t expecting an incompetent, badly-written first draft of a film which made the hero an asshole. Fuck it.

Portrait of a Penis as a Deadly Cobra

I hadn’t jacked-off in 12 days, some kind of World Record. Mostly it didn’t bother me, but other times–especially when good ass was in sight–my scrotum burned like glass in a blue flame. It could’ve been my imagination, but it also began to feel leaden, less willing to yo-yo in response to stimuli.

Finally the time came to come again. I summoned Kaylan Nicole like a genie from her hard drive bottle, cuing the scene. CC Fafafini, yet another hairless porn-dolphin, was ramming that vagina like his penis was a plunger working to unclog a toilet in a BAD Mexican restaurant. Such a beautiful vagina she had, the close-ups excellent.

With my penis heavy like a shotgun I figured it’d be over fast. Not so!

I got through Kaylan’s plowing twice before sighing with boredom. I debated switching to something else; my left hand clumsily clicked the mouse. Now it was Mack Wallass, he of the hooked nose and horn, working away on one Renee Emerald, one of those women who do only one or two films, then nothing. Sean Elephantay, the Black Stud, was also involved.

The scene, low-key as it was, did the trick, but there was no blast. In the 12 days of inactivity, my poor cobra had forgotten how to spit, leaving only a few weak coins and gurgles of man-yogurt.

I tried again, but the show was over. The Cosmoslick lubricant had actually turned to foam, making it look as if I’d tried to screw a Starbucks latte.

The next night I had no idea of the outcome, but my cock had the block on lock. This time the scene was Wallass with Maya Puissant, which never fails. In short order I was feeling much better despite earlier losing my wallet. A brilliant, steaming Rorshach of white wet music glorified a soon-to-be-trashed sock, testament to the power of happy testicles, counterbalancing an unhappy mind.

Such is the power.