Fucked over…by the Dollar Store

A true impulse buy, I yanked this DVD off the rack and slid it down the Dollar Store’s checkout conveyor belt like a beer down the gnarled bar in an old western. I did it as stolidly as I could, like I didn’t give a damn, knowing if the “instructional vid” was any good, I’d be putting that dollar to good use later in the evening. I know it seems kind of idiotic to waste a dollar on this, when yottabytes of n0rpography await for FREE online, but sometimes you just want to keep things classy. And no, I’m not ashamed in the slightest that the tear you see across the girl’s stomach was from me eagerly ripping open the package instead of finding scissors.

Well, I did get fucked, but in the raw, metaphorical sense, because Blondie’s sole appearance on this DVD was the cover. Featured ON the DVD was this lass:

On the plus side, Sweet Nancy here has a slim but “TIGHT little body”, as my friend Wells would say in the 90s. But while I would readily swear in a court of law that Nancy has made her body the healthiest and best-looking it can be, alas, the lass is only half-full and regrettably NOT the Blondie on the cover, dancing and splashing on an exotic beach, performing a pseudo-workout.

In order for me to feel like I got my money’s worth, the real Nancy would have to show up and fuck me until my head exploded like “Belloq” at the end of Radiers of the Lost Ark.

Life is risk. Back to the yottabytes for me.

More product placement (reviews of food-like items)

Rich in flavor, these “Onion Blossom” Pringles did indeed taste like the deep-fried onion appetizers found at most brass-n-fern restaurants. WINNAH!

When I first saw this box of strawberry Whoppers I imagined exactly how they would taste (delicious). They proved dangerously addictive. Any candy that comes in a pourable carton (not shown) can’t be good for you. WINNAH!

I didn’t originally intend to put Wendy Whoppers in here, but what the hell, I’m not being paid either way for these reviews so I might as well create more hits with her tits. As a bonus, I’ll spare you any jokes about wanting to spray her whoppers with malted milk from my balls. DOUBLE WIN!

These Chocolate Skittles really do taste like what they’re supposed to taste, yet I discommend them for myriad reasons:

* The soft-crunchy/firm-chewy texture doesn’t work for chocolate.

* A handful of different-flavored regular Skittles eaten at once blend together, creating a synergistic singular fruit flavor never intended by Ma Nature. But sorting vanilla/brownie batter/chocolate caramel/chocolate pudding/s’mores is too much to ask of any taste bud.

* The Skittles brand and rainbow don’t go with chocolate, just like there should never be fruit-flavored m&m’s. The makers were too lazy to make up a new product name? How ’bout…

(No, I didn’t make this awesome p-shop. I think you can even buy “Shittles” as a t-shirt).

I bought Chocolate Skittles 2-for-1 at a dollar store, so I guess they’re already on their way out. FAIL.

I like Peanut m&m’s enough to ignore their numbfuck characters and dumber commercials but this cheating box is a sodomite’s dream.

Normally m&m’s come packed to the hilt so they RATTLE in the box. Not these bastards in their silent F-U-in-the-A mini-bag. 3.4 ounces is so little candy an anorexic could eat them all and not bother puking. That yellow son-of-a-bitch on the box giving the thumbs up should be wearing a strap-on.

We get enough shit from all sides these days we shouldn’t have to watch our backs when we buy candy. FAIL.

Hope you enjoyed these reviews. These words I write are a bookmark of sorts, marking the place where I’m supposed to have a success-filled life.

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All of China Trembles in Fear

Another treasure from the dollar store. This fine-crafted miniature statue frightens the hell out of the Chinese wage slaves who mass-produce it.

Ceramic Eagles of Hope and Freedom haunt their sinister communist dreams.

Little do the Red Yellows know here in the USA this is known as a “gag gift”.

Nobody tell them, either!

Art at Last

Tremendous find at the indoor flea market. It was too important not to buy.

Look at the exquisite craftsmanship. The interplay of neck and red, the subtly erotic way the area beneath the crossed Stars and Bars “unintentionally” creates a nipple on the end of the plump teat.

Something else you may not have noticed. Observe this pose of the regular “Haulin'” mudflap girl, sitting on her lazy ass all day as if expecting bon-bons!

Again, the Southern Belle:

Note her obedient position, four-on-the-floor, ass presenting, READY FOR ACTION.

YEE-HAW! doesn’t quite cover it.

Alas, there’s one terrible flaw in this otherwise pristine collectable any Dollar Store shopper would be proud to own:

Reminds me of when the South fought under General Robert E. Chang.