Snake Eyes 2021 (film review)

TL;DR Standard action thriller, only not thrilling and overly long. Grade: D

Snake Eyes IS G.I.Joe. Among fans he’s the first character they associcate with the franchise. He’s a badass ninja (commando) steeped in mystery (never speaks, is possibly hideously scarred.) His enemy/blood brother Storm Shadow is also a ninja working for EEBIL Cobra, but so popular they had him become a good guy for a time.

On to the movie: I appreciate they tried to tell a story with few gimmicks, aimed at the 80s audience, but it fails, mainly because the story’s internal logic is skewed. Also, you feel every minute of its two hour length, not good.

The guy playing Snake Eyes is just OK. Not the actor’s fault, but the movie ‘s Snake Eyes is one-dimensional and lacks the mystery and tragedy of the character, who deserved way better. Even worse, this Snake Eyes isn’t a hero and his stupid actions triggered tragedies which got a lot of people needlessly killed. By the end you feel bad for Storm Shadow, who gets fucked over.

They should’ve made the movie about Storm Shadow, since then we’d have some idea what the hell is the point of a modern ninja clan in present day Japan. Their existence is never explained. They seem pretty damned wealthy. What do they do for money? Do they work for the highest bidder? Who else knows they exist? How often do they recruit outsiders? The clan appears to be aware of Cobra’s existence as well as G.I. Joe’s, but doesn’t fight Cobra as a clan. They (have to) have a loose-leaf affiliation with the Joes for story reasons. (Scarlett is in this movie as a desexualized unstoppable Dollar Store version of Black Widow. Cobra’s Baroness also makes an appearance and is sort-of sexy, for a “terrorist.”)

One of the minor points and characters pissed me off the most. The ninja clan is led by an old Japanese woman we’ll call Granny Ninja (Granninja?) When the ninja clan’s castle is attacked, I assumed Granny would be killed and this would be the turning point of the movie. NOPE! In my foolish hopes for a good story, I forgot that all women in movies are now indestructable Mary Sues. Granny doesn’t die, but instead kicks ass. Because she survives, she’s around to screw Storm Shadow out of his inherited birthright to lead the clan over what can be construed as a technicality, one which would’ve saved many lives Granny’s in-place defense plans couldn’t.

Overall the action in Snake Eyes 2021 is ‘meh’ and never decides if it’s shooting for semi-realism or full-blown 80s ninja magic. For the story it told it didn’t have to be two hours long; there are other interesting characters whose backstories are never explored despite this long-ass run time.

I never expected Snake Eyes 2021 to be a masterpiece, but wasn’t expecting an incompetent, badly-written first draft of a film which made the hero an asshole. Fuck it.

You’re not dreaming, asshole: America **is** under siege by communist tyrants

The current President of the United States is a communist piece of shit, voted in democratically, just like Hitler. He has no self-respect as well as no respect for America; bowing like a subservient coward and slave to a raghead monarch during his recent Bash-America/Asslick Muslims Tour. The only people The One makes a show of strength against are Americans who don’t want to serve Big Daddy Government (Please don’t mention our heroic SEALS sniping a few Somali fuckfaces…if YObama had real balls the sky over that area of ocean would be DARK with Predator drones and the whole Somalian COASTLINE would already look like a crawling catepillar of NAPALM).

A fascist cunt-dyke leads the Department of Homeland Tyranny, releasing groundless statements like this, trying to bait the 50+ million conservatives in this country.

If you voted for the Marxlatto, you should feel stupid.--not forever–but at least once this year you should look in the mirror and say:

“Self, I fucked up real bad voting for this fascist asshole. Dumbo didn’t legalize my weed, he didn’t get me a job, he didn’t fix jack shit, he took all my hope and left me with loose change. I got fucked in the ass like I was on my gay honeymoon in Iowa. I won’t make the same mistake in 2012.”

For those of you who think everything is just fine or getting better—WAKE UP.

The USA won’t remain free under the thumb of a Dumbo-eared Castro wannabe, it will either shrink into a communist hellhole or shrug off these motherfucking tyrants before it’s too late.

If it takes another Civil War, so be it.