Posts Tagged ‘Happy Gilmore’

CREED explained (the boxing film, not the shitty band)

Friday, 13 November 2015

The following is a series of educated guesses about the upcoming movie CREED.

You’ve seen this same movie before only it was called Rocky-Rocky II-Rocky III-Rocky IV-Rocky V-Rocky VI.

Hi, I’m Creed! I train to be a boxer but only at ‘street’ level, because I have an INNER OBSTACLE.

Here’s my tough urban environment (rap music, gangs, possible dick boss at menial job, etc.)

Here’s my worried Momma, and here’s the girl I like (either already with me or soon-to-be).

I have a ring fight which I lose to the trash-talking villain.

Things start to unravel so I seek out Rocky.

I ask to be trained by Rocky, revealing I’m Apollo Creed’s son to link to the original franchise.

At first Rocky refuses to train me but I persist, then he accepts.

We train hard, things are looking up, but the INNER OBSTACLE interferes and we have a falling out.

Looks like the movie’s over.

Momma yells at me to quit boxing.

Girlfriend dumps me (or my anger drives her away.)

The streets close in.

REALLY low point. Looks like the movie’s over. For reals!

I meet Rocky again in a quiet location conducive to reflective moments. We both apologize/share tender moment. Rocky tells me additional information about my father.  Carl Weathers smiles down from Heaven (never mind, that was Happy Gilmore).

I train hard, I mean like extra, EXTRA hard. Montages galore to remixed rap version of “Eye of the Tiger.” Take your pick:

Eye of the Tiger Remix

Another Eye of the Tiger Remix

The Big Fight is arranged.  Trash talk!

Reunite with girlfriend before The Big Fight.

Receive Momma’s final warning and/or anxious blessing. She stays at home to watch The Big Fight screener of CREED on TV.

I fight the villain again.

We fight for a long time. At first I hold my own, then the villain suddenly (almost) knocks my ass out.

As my sweat-soaked head bounces in slow-mo off the mat (knocked out mouthpiece optional) I watch my own life as if it were plot points of a movie I’m starring in. I review all of the bad things that happened, plus my own INNER OBSTACLE.

Just when I’m about to give up for reals, the montage of bad stuff fades.

I see Rocky’s face, my girlfriend’s face, Paulie’s replacement/comic relief’s face.

I get back up.

The crowd, which really wants to yell “Rah-KEE!” is forced by the director to yell, “CREED!” instead.

Crowd yells “Rah-KEE!” anyway. (Fixed in post.)

The villain, seeing me rise again, stops gloating and/or snarls in disbelief.

We box again, but this time my INNER OBSTACLE isn’t there. I beat the villain down, earning his respect.

Rocky smiles from the corner like a non-Japanese Mr. Miyagi.



Quality Movie Quotes

Monday, 3 March 2008

“Who the FUCK is this CHERRY?”

–Henry Silva regarding Steven Seagal in Above the Law

“BULLETPROOF, asshole!  Just like yours!” — Fraker, evil gang leader, rising to the occasion after being shot by Charlie Bronson  in DEATH WISH 3

“I could dance with you ’til the cows come home. Better yet, I could dance with the cows ’til you come home. (beat) Oh Christ, I’ve come!”  –Matt Rayner, pretending to teach dancing to toweled coeds in Ski School

“I want your eyes, PIG!  I WANT THEM!”  –Night Slasher in Cobra

Shooter McGavin: “Stay out of my way, or you’ll pay. Listen to what I say.”
Happy Gilmore: “Yeah, why don’t I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?” 

“The Matrix cannot tell you who you are.”
(Trinity to Neo)

Dumbass teen:  “Hey, it’s okay. We can help you.”
Freddy: (slashing teen’s throat) “Help yourself, FUCKER!”  —Nightmare on Elm Steet 2

“You are all my children now!”  Freddy —Nightmare on Elm Steet 2

“Yessir. The whole world’s gonna know about it. Starlight Starbright:  the place where Alex and Maggie left for the STARS!” – Otis (a Magical Negro) –The Last Starfighter

“They killed the Giggler, man.  THEY KILLED THE GIGGLER!”  –grieving gangmember, DEATH WISH 3 (one of the greatest comedies of all time)

“End of line.”  MCP  in Tron