“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” –Erna Bombeck
It’s 0140, Christmas morning. I stopped being a child long ago. There is very little of me left.
I like adulthood for being able to tune out Christmas music and ignore decorations. The economy has so many people on edge that spray-snow-in-a-can optimism and cheer has dropped off. Fatigue is in the air like burning tire smoke. I want to take a chainsaw to the size of our criminal government, carve it down to something small and useful, like a pocketknife.
I went to the drugstore to peruse the As Seen on Tv crap. Everything was still $19.99. No Chia Pets!
No one needs a Chia Pet, that’s why it’s brilliant. I don’t need one: I have dope.
I’ve smoked-out only once, “in moderation”. I felt no happier. I am going through the motions of being alive.
I saw a girl in the drugstore. Tan jacket and ponytail, not ugly, not beautiful, but lovely. Life. I looked at her head, at the chestnut ponytail. Life. How pointless and precious.
I didn’t buy shit. I had bought shit earlier, elsewhere. I averaged approx. $50 per person times 5, an enormous sum for me.
I’d make it a thousand but I don’t have it.
I hate gifts, even getting them. Let me explain. I live in America, do you? We can get nearly anything we want at any time of year (if you want pot all you gotta do is befriend 3 strangers). Gifts: if someone I know wanted something badly and I could afford it, I’d get it for them. The people I know need what they want, they don’t waste. I don’t like being forced to do anything; take something pleasurable like buying a gift for someone, and make it mandatory. That’s hell.
You cannot opt out of the gift game unless you are a hermit. I’ve tried. It’s horrible to receive anything when you have nothing to give in return. And yes, I tried warning everyone I knew not to give me anything. It doesn’t work.
I have no useful advice for surviving holidays, any of them. Enjoy what you can.
Death will be my Christmas. Not suicide but natural death, I can wait. I look forward to the change of pace and new environment, even in Hell. It’s hell anyway to be alive yet numb.