Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Three Reasons Not to Suicide:

Thursday, 1 June 2017
1)  You’ll spoil your record of perfect attendance.  You’ve been alive since you were born.  Even when you’ve been knocked out cold you were still alive.  You’ve survived chicken pox, the dentist, learning how to ride a bike, maybe even had sex once or twice.  If you kill yourself, that all gets wiped out.
2)  Death is not an escape.  You know how life works, it’s the same shit over and over again in different packaging.  Do you really think the Designer of so nefarious a world would provide such an easy way out?  Have you ever tried getting out of a cell phone contract?  It doesn’t have to be the threat of a fiery Hell to stick around either:  you could come back to earth, only with a smaller penis, or as a Siamese twin, sharing a smaller penis.
3)  Death is guaranteed.  No one ever got to the ticket window and heard, “I’m sorry, we’re all out of death.”  Death is coming anyway, why pay extra for 2-day shipping?  God only kills happy people.  Make Him do the work.
There you have it, three reasons not to suicide.  Not very good reasons, but some kind of lubricant is always better than none.
From May 2014

‘Nother Snatched Survey

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Friends find these, then I steal them and “do” them.

1. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
No. But I have considered stabbing others from time to time.

2. Does a kiss make you feel better?
Only if it is aimed at me, and depends on where it is placed.

3. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
I’ve never passed out. That could be the problem.

4. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
I’m hiding in your shower now. Find out!

5. What did you do today?
Nothing worthy of a better answer.

6. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower?
Yes, I’ve “brushed my teeth” in the shower, resulting in spilled “toothpaste”.

7. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
I’ve never had more than zero, so fuck off.

8. Have you ever thought about your death?
All the time. Yours too.

10. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?
I’d rather pay some whore, then never see her again.

13. Have you ever had stitches?
Yes. I’ve even left a few people in stitches, via jokes.

14. How long ago did you hug someone?
I cannot stand prolonged physical contact unless it’s martial arts.

18. Do you like the Red Sox or Yankees?
Neither. Don’t give a fuck about hockey.

19. What are you doing tomorrow?
Being a nigger for no money.

21. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
Yes, but I shouldn’t. They make more money than me.

22. Have you ever run over an animal?
Thankfully, no. But I would run over a torturer of animals, slowly, with their head under the wheels.

23. What’s your favorite cereal?
Cracklin’ Oat Bran, the old rough “loops”, not the new “smooth” ones.

24. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?
No, but I did have an Oreo with peanut butter “white stuff”. (My life is fucking fascinating, as no doubt, is yours).

25. What are you doing this moment?
A walrus under the desk is fellating me, I’m playing an accordion with my feet, my asshole is singing a Josh Groban song, my gut is being punched by an angry, non-talking gecko, my left sleeve is on fire, my elbow hurts from jacking off, my head is throbbing from a niacin/Scotch cocktail and my fingers are typing.

26.Would you kiss someone of the same sex for 100 dollars?
Sure, a peck on the forehead when freshly deceased (me not them) and if by ‘100 dollars’ you meant ‘2000’.

27. Where’s your favorite place to be?
Far away from the madding crowd.

28. What’s your favorite song?
Don’t have one. How about Linkin Park’s “Crawling”.

29. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
I drink both at once, let them fight it out. All while driving!

32. Have you ever climbed up a water tower?
No. Only down.

33. Have you ever been arrested?
Came close.

33. Do you dream in black and white?
I dream in smells. Last night I was chased by a banana until it tripped and fell in hot chocolate fudge…then I was chasing it.

34. Do you talk in your sleep?
Yes. I once said, “Go bite your own balls” (don’t ask, because I don’t know).

35. Do you snore?
Yes. She told me I snored because she was angry I wouldn’t fuck her.

37. Are you a redneck?
I’m a well-read neck. Hear Ye, Hear Yee Haw!

38. Funniest thing you heard all day?
Writing this.

39. Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face?
No. BTW, what the fuck are you “on”?

40. What are you afraid of?

41. What does the 10th text message in your inbox say?
My penis could be even bigger (true) but then, so could the Goodyear Blizzle, my nizzle.

42. What does the 10th message in your outbox say?
Dear Sirs, I am already a millionaire and Nigerian King. So Fuck Off.

43. Do you like someone?
I guess so.

44. Do they know you like them?
No. “They” are married and I assume they wouldn’t care if they did know I liked them. And I assume correctly without testing the theory.

46. Can you recite the alphabet backwards?
“Tebahpla eht!”

49. Need to get something off your chest?
I’d like to get on her chest (#43) and those Viking-sized dough-orbs.

50. How do you feel about life right now?
I hate it, I hate god, I hate everyone else. As someone on the internet stated: “Satan is the True God and Father of Humanity.” Amen, my nigga. Amen.