Kylo Ren, don’t make me feel gay

 

I don’t like feeling gay.

Gay in this sense has nothing to do with homosexuality, it’s a kind of shame or embarrassment by association with an object or idea ruined by obviousness, obnoxiousness or nescience.

The word “ghey” has been offered as a way to describe this feeling but it’s bullshit for two reasons:

1) ‘Gay’ had several other meanings before homosexual, and gays from that time forward didn’t offer an alternate spelling to separate themselves from the original meaning.

2) The well-intentioned but foolish adopter of “ghey” is left having to spell G-H-E-Y after saying, “gay” so as not to offend nearby gays. Who needs extra work?

Saw this today at the supermarket and yes, it made me feel gay:

I understand putting other SW characters on the boxes, including the fucking soccer ball that doesn’t need to eat. But how can Kylo Ren, wimpy-named villain and Vader groupie give a fuck about nutrition or pleasing kids, especially with a product name as GAY as GO-GURT?

More laughable is the new SW movie is rated PG-13, which means there’s a possibility of KR decapitating some poor fool with a lightsaber. This could be the Madonna/Pepsi controversy of this decade, especially since the new lightsaber looks like a burning cross.

 

 

 

 

And then there’s this:  

 

SLURP SABER.  

Slurp Saber…is funny.  

 

VITAL UPDATE:  The Force Awakens has been out for a few weeks.  By featuring Kylo Ren, Go-Gurt is advocating patricide.  Seems about right. 

 

Robot with Red Arm, A One-Act Play

A.A. Jabrams, director of the new Space Wars, sits with his creative team made up of three toy sellers.

Jabrams: So what the hell do we do with 3-CPO? Lorge Gucas made him “naked” in The Spectral Harasser, he was black and soot-coated in Advance of the Duplicates and finally shiny in Avengement of the Dark Robes. What’s left?

Toy 1: Well, let’s see, he’s introduced in Space Wars, Episode 4, taken apart for scrap in Payback of the Authority and treated as a “funny god” in Revisit of the Sword-Knights.

Toy 2: A.A., your new Space Wars:  The Potential Wakes Up has the same sand planet just with a different name. 3-CPO is WORTHLESS on desert planets, the sand is coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere in his circuits; he’s shiny like a signal mirror, the evil Authority can see him from space!–and his translation skills are next-to-worthless. Hell, if San Holo can understand the Warkees without a droid translator, and Suke Lywalker knows what 2D-2R is beeping, what good is P-3-OH anyway?

Jabrams: The fucking soccer ball has made a MINT aleady! Fans snatched his ass up; didn’t even wait to see if he’s an annoying, scene-ruining asshole like Bar Bar Jinks. FIFA-1 was a stroke of my genius!

Toy 1:  But boss…that still leaves the problem of 3-CPO.

Toy 3: Well…we could…make one of his arms red?

Jabrams: … That’s bucking frilliant!

Toy 1: But how do we explain the arm?

Toy 2: Who gives a shit? We’ll pay some monkey with a laptop to make something up.

Jabrams: Fuckin’ NERDS are going to LOVE this!

Toy 3: AND buy it. Even if they paint their old reaction figure’s arm red, they wouldn’t get the cool new packaging!

Jabrams: I love the movies! HAIL SATAN!

Toy people: (in unison) HAIL SATAN!