Star Wars Crapisode VIII

Well my nigs, if The Phantom Menace was a disastrous date with a beautiful stranger then The Force Awakens was date rape. After seeing the latter I was extra-pissed at having to buy the ticket in advance, in a theater with assigned seating. Never again.

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Last Jedi you already know it’s going to be a bad clone of The Empire Strikes Back. What gave it away? The snow fox, a still frame of a line of parked AT-ATs, and knowing Disney won’t take risks.

I don’t care about any of the characters, new or old. Rey is a poor replacement for Luke. Whether she turns evil or not makes no difference.

Hamill has said he entirely disagrees with the direction they took Luke. My guess is he won’t even leave Irish Island or wherever the fuck he’s hiding until Crapisode 9.

If Finn had been White, you would wonder what his character is even doing there. Same for the new X-wing pilot, who has scenes outside the cockpit yet is less memorable than Wedge or even Porkins.

The trailer also implies that Leia just stands in place on the bridge of a ship while her jug-eared, tantrum-throwing Vader-wannabe son locks missiles on her. TFA did nothing with her character, now she’s CG and it makes no difference.

Anyway, that’s that.

 

 

Robot with Red Arm, A One-Act Play

A.A. Jabrams, director of the new Space Wars, sits with his creative team made up of three toy sellers.

Jabrams: So what the hell do we do with 3-CPO? Lorge Gucas made him “naked” in The Spectral Harasser, he was black and soot-coated in Advance of the Duplicates and finally shiny in Avengement of the Dark Robes. What’s left?

Toy 1: Well, let’s see, he’s introduced in Space Wars, Episode 4, taken apart for scrap in Payback of the Authority and treated as a “funny god” in Revisit of the Sword-Knights.

Toy 2: A.A., your new Space Wars:  The Potential Wakes Up has the same sand planet just with a different name. 3-CPO is WORTHLESS on desert planets, the sand is coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere in his circuits; he’s shiny like a signal mirror, the evil Authority can see him from space!–and his translation skills are next-to-worthless. Hell, if San Holo can understand the Warkees without a droid translator, and Suke Lywalker knows what 2D-2R is beeping, what good is P-3-OH anyway?

Jabrams: The fucking soccer ball has made a MINT aleady! Fans snatched his ass up; didn’t even wait to see if he’s an annoying, scene-ruining asshole like Bar Bar Jinks. FIFA-1 was a stroke of my genius!

Toy 1:  But boss…that still leaves the problem of 3-CPO.

Toy 3: Well…we could…make one of his arms red?

Jabrams: … That’s bucking frilliant!

Toy 1: But how do we explain the arm?

Toy 2: Who gives a shit? We’ll pay some monkey with a laptop to make something up.

Jabrams: Fuckin’ NERDS are going to LOVE this!

Toy 3: AND buy it. Even if they paint their old reaction figure’s arm red, they wouldn’t get the cool new packaging!

Jabrams: I love the movies! HAIL SATAN!

Toy people: (in unison) HAIL SATAN!

Prediction-y Guesses for Star Wars 7

I don’t like the subtitle.  “THE FORCE AWAKENS” promises some stupid shit/tampering with the Force concept, just like midichlorians.

Yoda, Darth Vader, Emperor, Boba Fett will all be in it: oh, c’mon, these guys ARE Star Wars. They’ll be back in dreams / flashbacks / computer holofiles and they sure as hell will be back as TOYS.  (Yaay!)

Slow-motion lightsaber shit: rehashing of specific and popular violent special effects of the last 10 years, particularly the slowed-to-a-crawl-then-sped-up attacks from 300.  I also expect the ‘lightwhip’ to show up. If you don’t know what that is, congrats on having a life.

Droid’s Eye View: we get to see how R2 and 3PO see the world.  Do info and numbers run across their viewports like the Terminator’s?  Who can know?  Or care?  Besides me?

Android: Droids that look exactly like humans (at least one).

Jedi Wookie: there is one in the novels (though the novels are being ignored) and it would be cool; (don’t kill Chewie, either.)

Planet(s) will die: the director destroyed two planets already in Star Trek.  All bets are off.

Superweapon Mania: if it’s not Death Star 3.0 it will be very close to it, or multiple smaller Death Stars.

THE ARTIFACT:  Hitchcock called it the McGuffin, either way it’s an object to build a movie around.

Endless chase scene:  a battle to end all battles that starts in space, goes to atmosphere/sky, then ocean/swamps on speeder bikes, then….

Tatooine: it’s expected.

Dagobah: someone else has to visit THE CAVE to foresee the plot of Star Wars 8

Hoth: maybe.

Endor: no.

The Jedi Academy:  very likely.

References to anything prequel-related: present but hopefully extremely limited

A subtle insult to George Lucas for “ruining” Star Wars with the prequels and endless tampering with Eps. 4-6: we can only hope.

Darth Maul:  probably not the actual Darth Maul, but a Zabrak, the alien race Darth Maul was/is.

Jabba the Hutt/Hutts:  probably not the actual Jabba, but a Hutt, the alien race Jabba was/is.

Losing more limbs: heroes will be losing limbs and getting robot limbs.

Offspring of Luke or Han/Leia turning to Dark Side: likely, if there is no Sith element, this, will be…this…will be…

Sith: 80% likely to appear, 100% via “holocron.”

Death of Jar Jar Binks: this is more of an intensely strong suggestion than prediction. Having Jar Jar die a horrible, fiery (but “heroic”) death would add an additional half-billion to what will likely be the first movie to top 2 billion dollars.

Politics: I pray the story stays just that: a story from, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….”  

Fans/nerds will be reading shit into it and seeing things that aren’t there no matter what, so PLEASE no “hard-hitting” fucktarded messages about saving the environment, bullshit global warming, the evils of greed (Hi Disney), etc.

PRE-PLANNED FAN RAGE:  the creators will deliberately fuck up something sacred to enrage fans and then leak it early, which will in turn provide millions in free advertising.