Terminator Salvation and Transformers 2

Both Terminator: Salvation and Transformers 2 are frozen shit Popsicles. If I had to watch one of them again I’d choke down Terminator only because it’s shorter. If I had to choose between watching either movie again or suicide this would be my last post.

T:S was rife with clichés, unexciting action and zero-dimensional characters no one can possibly give a shit about, with the exception of the guy who played Kyle Reese (and Chekhov in the new Star Trek).

A post-apocalyptic Terminator film would be a challenge to make by the best filmers, because as the story begins, humanity has lost, rendering the better “prequels” irrelevant (even T3–which really isn’t so bad–is a masterpiece compared to this travesty).

There’s no getting around the fact that Christian Bale is a spoiled ass. I have no numbers to back it up but it’s my opinion the yelling-at-some-lackey-on-set (turned into a brilliant techno song) struck a blow against the buzz. His portrayal of John Connor had me rooting for the machines.

Salvation’s plot isn’t worth regurgitating. The movie is a total loss, but what kills it above all else is the way Skynet is depicted. For a murderous artificial intelligence it’s way too sane and collected, to the point I was wondering why it ever viewed humans as a threat.

Given the “rules” of the post-nuke Terminator universe it would be easy as hell to win a war against humans, simply by waiting them out. For human numbers to grow they need food, water, infrastructure. What’s time to a machine? Why don’t the ‘robits’ simply do nothing for 50 years, let the humans grow soft, while the machines gather or build neutron bombs for radiation attacks? Burn all the forests and arable land, kill everything green. So much possibility, all unexplored.

T3 and Salvation are dumb movies, which is fine, except they’re not fun. Movie audiences know too much so it’s time to put the T-franchise to sleep for awhile.

Transformers 2 is a rainbow-colored turd. Everything bad you’ve heard about it is true. The effects are seamless, yet it’s vulgar, cheap, bombastic, aimed to evoke mass guffaws from the lowest common denominator of society.  Pro-tip:  just because the target market is 8-year-olds doesn’t mean the movie has to be shit.

At 2 hours, 30 minutes Tran 2 is impossibly long; longer still if you can’t stand Megan “Fred Flintstone Thumbs” Fox, a spoiled ass in her own right. Yeah, she’s “pretty”, so what?– a lot of porn whores are as hot or hotter. Had Fox not gotten her break, she could easily be choking on Sean Michael’s blacksnake like Avy Scott or any number of strumpets.

By now you’ve probably seen both of these cineturds. Like circumcision, they only have to be endured once and you’re done for life.

BIGFOOT, please

oh, the voice of reason is trying his best to ruin my dream of being alive when they discover that bigfoot is real. bastard. — Dirty Howie

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Got this email from Howington after I pointed out the suit in the freezer recently found was probably a hoax to sell some new movie (or as it turns out, $500 “Bigfoot” tours from the hoax-holes who “found” the creature).

If you think about it, why do they have to test the DNA of this thing? You could just cut off an arm and skin it…no special effects people on earth could fake all the necessary bones, blood vessels, muscles, tendons, etc., as well as DNA.

Anyway, of all the legends and unsolved mysteries, BIGFOOT is the most worthless.

Does BIGFOOT have a spaceship and alien technology that could solve the energy crisis?

Does BIGFOOT have a time machine or live underwater in a cool place like Atlantis?

Does BIGFOOT have the secrets of quantum physics or keys to unlock hidden worlds and dimensions?

NO.

Know what BIGFOOT has? BIG FUCKING FEET. Oh, and he’s COVERED in HAIR at a time every queery-bare-chested, pretty-boy dickweed in media has NO body hair (update Dec 2008: add Obama to the list of dauphines).

BIGFOOT is a REAL man’s legend lost in the 70’s with Burt Reynolds while the mascot for the 21st century is a giant, gay, vegan, non-smoking pink dolphin.

What if we did catch a live BIGFOOT? He can’t speak, draw, write or play basketball. He probably can’t even wipe his ass…the government will just put him on the Endangered Feces list and lo, another USELESS WELFARE ANIMAL Joe Sixpack has to pay for.

BIGFOOT should stay gone unless he’s got a working fusion reactor in his cave.

Everyone’s a victim of heartbreak, especially…Hugh Hefner –> ‘ <– teardrop of pity

Hugh Fucking Hefner, 81, next to Buddha and Christ, is the only man I don’t like because I’m not him. It seems odd that one man alone should have been the first to combine cameras with naked women and that years later, as the sewer of raunch continues to overflow like an anti-antidiluvian avalanche (<–makes no sense but sounds cool) Playboy continues to sell.

No, I don’t like Hef, and not because he experimented with The Gay in the 70s.

Mostly it’s plain old envy.

A bank of 6 or 7 televisions across the front of the gym’s treadmill farm brings We the Damned all the food commercials we can eat. In between the commercials are shows, spanning several pre-set channels.

One was a docu about Hefner. He talked about his accountant father who was “uncomfortable” with affection. The next time I looked up from magazines and over from other TVs, a litany of blondes was explaining how heartbroken Hef was as a young teen when a girl 2 years his senior didn’t return his crush.

The many Playmates seemed truly devastated for Young Hef’s loss, fake titties weeping silicone, and lo, they’d even managed to find the Crush herself and interview her…in two words: oblivious grandma.

It takes a lot of nerve to be Hugh Hefner and complain via pussy-proxy about having your heart broken over half a century ago.

I don’t have a cavalcade of cuties to explain my trouble with the ladies. I have to type it myself.

Everyone’s a fucking victim, even Hugh Hefner.

Boo hoo. Boo Hef. Have a teardrop of pity ‘ or 12 ”””””” <–that’s less than a dollar per drop! A 66% savings off the cover price!