Kylo Ren, don’t make me feel gay

 

I don’t like feeling gay.

Gay in this sense has nothing to do with homosexuality, it’s a kind of shame or embarrassment by association with an object or idea ruined by obviousness, obnoxiousness or nescience.

The word “ghey” has been offered as a way to describe this feeling but it’s bullshit for two reasons:

1) ‘Gay’ had several other meanings before homosexual, and gays from that time forward didn’t offer an alternate spelling to separate themselves from the original meaning.

2) The well-intentioned but foolish adopter of “ghey” is left having to spell G-H-E-Y after saying, “gay” so as not to offend nearby gays. Who needs extra work?

Saw this today at the supermarket and yes, it made me feel gay:

I understand putting other SW characters on the boxes, including the fucking soccer ball that doesn’t need to eat. But how can Kylo Ren, wimpy-named villain and Vader groupie give a fuck about nutrition or pleasing kids, especially with a product name as GAY as GO-GURT?

More laughable is the new SW movie is rated PG-13, which means there’s a possibility of KR decapitating some poor fool with a lightsaber. This could be the Madonna/Pepsi controversy of this decade, especially since the new lightsaber looks like a burning cross.

 

 

 

 

And then there’s this:  

 

SLURP SABER.  

Slurp Saber…is funny.  

 

VITAL UPDATE:  The Force Awakens has been out for a few weeks.  By featuring Kylo Ren, Go-Gurt is advocating patricide.  Seems about right. 

 

Why I love America: capitalism that cares

TRUE STORY

To:  ConsumerRelations@cr.auntjemima.com

Imagine my surprise and horror when my 24 oz. Aunt Jemima syrup gently slipped from my fingers from a height of 2.8 feet, hit the tiled kitchen floor on its side and the base of the bottle CRACKED OPEN like a cheap piece of china, bleeding out in a huge puddle on the floor, a total loss. While it’s often true that we have to go too far to know our limits, I’m here to tell you, as VICTIM, that your plastic Aunt Jemima Syrup bottle–at least the batch with the bottle I got–was made to inferior specifications. On a scale of disappointment with 1 being a stubbed toe and 10 being an asteroid destroying earth, I’m rating this a 9. (It would have been a solid 10 had I been eating actual pancakes and not a breakfast burrito). A coupon, words of sympathy, a simple message to the effect that your otherwise fine company recognizes this problem and has people working around the clock to correct it, or any combination thereof, would be most appreciated. Thank You…

ONE DAY LATER

To: Meat

Thank you for sharing your recent experience with our Aunt Jemima Lite Syrup. We’re very sorry the bottle broke, and we apologize profusely for the inconvenience this caused. We’d never want to inconvenience or disappoint any of our consumers.

I’ve sent a full value coupon along with an additional coupon to compensate you for the inconvenience. Please look for them to arrive by mail in about a week.

We take pride in the quality of our products, and your satisfaction is most important to us. Therefore, I have shared your report with our quality assurance team for review. The information you thoughtfully provided from the packaging is very valuable to them as they complete this process.

We’d like you to know, we consider many factors when producing containers for our products. They must function easily, protect product quality, and hold down the cost to our consumers. The final selection is made on the basis of consumer convenience and product safety. With that in mind, you can understand why your feedback is so valuable to us.

Thanks, (Meat) for bringing this matter to our attention. We hope that you’ll remain a consumer of our products.

Diana
Quaker Consumer Relations
A Division of PepsiCo
Ref# X8245A69