More product placement (reviews of food-like items)

Rich in flavor, these “Onion Blossom” Pringles did indeed taste like the deep-fried onion appetizers found at most brass-n-fern restaurants. WINNAH!

When I first saw this box of strawberry Whoppers I imagined exactly how they would taste (delicious). They proved dangerously addictive. Any candy that comes in a pourable carton (not shown) can’t be good for you. WINNAH!

I didn’t originally intend to put Wendy Whoppers in here, but what the hell, I’m not being paid either way for these reviews so I might as well create more hits with her tits. As a bonus, I’ll spare you any jokes about wanting to spray her whoppers with malted milk from my balls. DOUBLE WIN!

These Chocolate Skittles really do taste like what they’re supposed to taste, yet I discommend them for myriad reasons:

* The soft-crunchy/firm-chewy texture doesn’t work for chocolate.

* A handful of different-flavored regular Skittles eaten at once blend together, creating a synergistic singular fruit flavor never intended by Ma Nature. But sorting vanilla/brownie batter/chocolate caramel/chocolate pudding/s’mores is too much to ask of any taste bud.

* The Skittles brand and rainbow don’t go with chocolate, just like there should never be fruit-flavored m&m’s. The makers were too lazy to make up a new product name? How ’bout…

(No, I didn’t make this awesome p-shop. I think you can even buy “Shittles” as a t-shirt).

I bought Chocolate Skittles 2-for-1 at a dollar store, so I guess they’re already on their way out. FAIL.

I like Peanut m&m’s enough to ignore their numbfuck characters and dumber commercials but this cheating box is a sodomite’s dream.

Normally m&m’s come packed to the hilt so they RATTLE in the box. Not these bastards in their silent F-U-in-the-A mini-bag. 3.4 ounces is so little candy an anorexic could eat them all and not bother puking. That yellow son-of-a-bitch on the box giving the thumbs up should be wearing a strap-on.

We get enough shit from all sides these days we shouldn’t have to watch our backs when we buy candy. FAIL.

Hope you enjoyed these reviews. These words I write are a bookmark of sorts, marking the place where I’m supposed to have a success-filled life.

Click for more reviewed products.

Product Placement

Some products I’ve recently encountered.

SPIKE energy drink promises no calories, carbs or sugar. It doesn’t say shit about crashes and the warning at the top reads NEVER EXCEED ONE CAN DAILY.

I heeded the warning and chugged only the one can…it gave me rapid heartbeat anyway, all day, plus my blood psi. probably was 300 over 200. Respect the Spike and drink only half a can. Emergencies only!

After buying some test bottles at 7-11’s ripoff price, I found this 2-pack of 5-hour ENERGY at a different “convenience” store. Cost: approx 5 bucks. This shit works as promised, with no crash at the end. However it can’t be good every day.

There is also now a 6-hour Energy out there for the same price. Someone always has a bigger gun.

I first found this new type of milk bottle at Costco. I can’t get enough of this thing. Between Costco visits I buy regular gallons of milk in the old bulky jugs and transfer them to this sexy bitch. Note the helpful label with clearly illustrated instructions. Can life get any better? I submit that it cannot.

Sea Salt is the new black, as far as salts go. I couldn’t care less, but I was intrigued by these brown rice chips which I also found at Costco. They taste good, but any and all chips are fattening crap no matter how healthy they claim to be. A modest blurb at the top of the bag reads EFFORTLESSLY BETTER. That would make a good t-shirt or penis pump slogan.

The opposite of rice chips are these fucking things. Yes, you see correctly, they are french-fry shaped chips dusted with a ketchup flavoring. I was intrigued enough to buy them from a vending machine. Others warned me after the fact they’d been in there for months, hardly a surprise.

By trying these I am indicating to female others that I’m willing to try new things and am a sexual powerhouse.

Armed with this new product knowledge, I expect you to go forth and live for today, void where prohibited, some restrictions apply.