1) You’ll spoil your record of perfect attendance. You’ve been alive since you were born. Even when you’ve been knocked out cold you were still alive. You’ve survived chicken pox, the dentist, learning how to ride a bike, maybe even had sex once or twice. If you kill yourself, that all gets wiped out.
2) Death is not an escape. You know how life works, it’s the same shit over and over again in different packaging. Do you really think the Designer of so nefarious a world would provide such an easy way out? Have you ever tried getting out of a cell phone contract? It doesn’t have to be the threat of a fiery Hell to stick around either: you could come back to earth, only with a smaller penis, or as a Siamese twin, sharing a smaller penis.
3) Death is guaranteed. No one ever got to the ticket window and heard, “I’m sorry, we’re all out of death.” Death is coming anyway, why pay extra for 2-day shipping? God only kills happy people. Make Him do the work.
There you have it, three reasons not to suicide. Not very good reasons, but some kind of lubricant is always better than none.
From May 2014
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