Posts Tagged ‘survey’

A survey you’ll actually want to take (or pass along)

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

44. If you were a yogurt, what yogurt would you be?43. If you could take only one flare gun to a deserted island, what kind of flare gun would it be? One that shoots flares?

42. Ever pee into an active volcano? Non-active?

41. What’s your favorite type of tree? Did it ever talk to you?

42. At what age did you read your parents’ “adult” mags or watch those films?

41. List three people you’d sell into White Slavery and why.

40. If you’re a man, would you prefer your “sinep”-spelled-backwards be longer or thicker?

39. Explain why you lied in your answer to 40.

38. Would you own a laser pointer as hot as the sun? What would you do with it?

37. If you could make one race of people vanish from the earth, explain why you chose Black people, racist!

36. Name a rare or exotic food you failed to try and now regret not trying it.

35. Would you rather be invisible but gay, or like you are now?

34. What’s the one question you would ask God(s) while still alive (you, not God(s)

33. If a close friend kicked a wino to death would you tell the authorities if she said the wino was being a jerk?

32. If you had small, climate-controlled home, would you rather it be in a country where you freeze your ass off for one year or burn up in a super-hot country for one year?

31. If you had a time machine, who would you travel to the past to kick in the balls? DIfficulty level: you can’t choose Hitler.

30. Invent a cereal flavor even Mikey would hate.

29. Name all the promiscuous female friends you know. Include names, addresses and phone numbers…and hell, even email addies.

29. Would you trade your most valuable material possession to bring a childhood pet back from the dead?

28. What movie, toy or book universe would you rather live in?

27. If ALL drugs both legal and illegal were available to buy OTC, which would you choose and why? (Don’t cop out and just type “All” either).

26. Explain why you typed “All” anyway? Did you ever listen to anyone?

25. If you were a punctuation mark, which one would you be?

24. If you could party with any Founding Father, which one would it be? (You don’t know any of them, do you)?

23. If you could shit money up to $600 a day by eating a small bowl of manure, would you and how often?

22. If you could get away with it, would you become “Satan for a Day?” Who would you corrupt?

21. If you could make one kind of animal, either wild or domesticated, able to speak, which would it be?

20. If you could trade one celebrity’s life for another, which two would they be?

21. Would you ever want to visit outer space and a space station? What would you want to do there besides sex?

20. Would you f**k Mrs. Howell if you were stranded on Gilligan’s Island? How long could you hold out before giving in?

19. Would you rather eat an expertly prepared dolphin or a fast food whale? (You get to keep the leftovers).

18. If you’re for the death penalty, what form of execution would you like to bring back? Or create an original one.

17. What’s your favorite candy? Do you own a windowless van?

16. Would you want to know even the day of the week you die (e.g. a Thursday)?

15. Would you want to know the precise date of your death if it meant losing 5 years off the time you get to live?

14. How many years of your life would you take from your own to give to a dying loved one?

13. Enough about death. What’s your most hated food that you’ve vowed never to eat ever again?

12. Would you change your name to Hades Clownboat or Slapnuts Lillington for a guaranteed $3,000 a year for life?

11. Slapnuts, would you rather have the power to command all the hippopotamuses on earth or the ability to spell any word perfectly but only on the third try?

10. Would you rather reign in Hell or serve in Heaven? How about part time in each?

9. What’s your favorite type of cheese? Defend your answer.

8. Do you think society should outlaw something or other that’s legal now? If so, what?

7. If their defendants get sentenced to death should their lawyers be severely mauled by tigers wearing boxing gloves?

6. If you could rename the Frisbee what would you call it? Would anyone care?

5. Would you rather have a partner that obeyed your every command but who couldn’t ever cook for shit or one who argued 1/4 the time but was a kickass cook?

4. If you had a humanoid robotic assistant who could do anything (legal) name 3 things you’d have it help you do.

3. What would you name your own clothing line?

2. What’s the last thing you’d say to someone you were about to kill?

1. Explain, in two words, your philosophy on life.

0. Of love, money, hope or health, which two begin with the letter X?

-1. If you could deep-fry any food, what would it be?

-2. What kind of vehicle would a walrus drive?

-3. Do you think you’re free to go, now that this survey is over? (WRONG).


Shanghaied Survey

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

1.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
Sad that this question even exists.  In another few years “6 months” will be “one week”.  I hate people.

2. What color are your eyes?
I hate people.

3. What are you doing now?
Still hating people.

4. What is one thing you question a lot?
Why I bother to go on.

5. Do you lead people on?
I have nothing they want, except the robber barons want my $$$.

6. Are you married?
No.

7. Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
I have regretted not working with non-declared whores to get what we both wanted.

8. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?
The government.

9. Do you miss someone?
Yes.  Sniper scope and all.

10. Did any of your friends go out with any of your ex’s?
No.  They weren’t my ex’s tho they’re obviously screwing elsewere with elsers.

11. Are looks important?
Yes, they are the only thing that matters and the least likely to hurt you.  Looks are either fresh or fading, they can fib but not lie for long.

12. What are you wearing(in detail)?
Clothes (in detail).

13. Are you mad at someone right now?
Myself and God.  They are the same.

14. Do you like getting things from others?
Too vague.  I like getting certain things from others.

15. Where do you keep your money?
Don’t have any.

17. How did you wake up this morning?
Upset and resigned.

18. Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?
The one where you’re eating pussy.

19. Quick say a verse from any song?
People say I’m strange does that make me a stranger
My best friend was born in a manger

20. Would you die for someone?
I am already, they just don’t know.

21. Last time in the hospital?
A month ago.

22. How many letters are in your last name?
6

23. Do you like anyone right now?
Yes.  She is married, not to me.

24. What book did you read last?
Basic Economics.

25. How was your day?
I have today off so it’s better than most.  I dropped shrooms 20 minutes ago.  Effects are minimal.

26. Do you live near any of your friends?
Yes, but when they’re married you add 100 miles.

27. Are you scared of spiders?
No.  Roaches, yes.  Nothing uglier except people in love.

28. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
Yes, I have a large baboon in blackface on my back, holding a Twinkie with a lit fuse in one hand and Anna Nicole Smith’s severed head in the other.  Too bad you can’t see it.

29. How do you walk?
On foot at a time.  Wish I was in a wheelchair so I could tell you how I roll.

30. What do you think of Fergie?
I’d fuck her still-warm corpse and also when she’s alive.

31. Do you believe in love?
Ask love if it believes in me.

32. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
12 (oops, too late).

33. When was the last time you threw up?
Years ago.

34. Do you curse a lot?
Fuck no.

35. What are your favorite books?
The ones I’ve taken baby steps toward writing.

36. Do you hate your last boyfriend/girlfriend?
N/A

37. Do you only drink bottled water?
No.  I drink water from cups, glasses and Madonna’s anus.

38. Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I’d rather spend the fucking part with someone else, the rest is negligible.

39. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
If you haven’t killed yourself, you are making your own second chance.  Few others agree with the 2nd chance concept.

40. Would you dance around in your underwear for a million dollars?
I do anyway.  People might pay you to stop.

41. Most hated food?
Why hate it?  Just don’t eat it.

42. Do you wish someone would call you?
Sure.

43. What is bugging you right now?
My lack of everything.

44. What’s something you wish you could understand better?
How to get money for nothing and chicks for free.

45. If someone doesn’t like you, it’s usually because?
They’re fucking idiots.

47. What are you excited about?
Death.

48. Kissed someone in the last 24 hrs?
Yeah, and I just HAD to find a fucking survey to alert strangers to the fact.

49. Have you lost friends in the past years?
yes.  What a way to end this shit.

‘Nother Snatched Survey

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Friends find these, then I steal them and “do” them.

1. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
No. But I have considered stabbing others from time to time.

2. Does a kiss make you feel better?
Only if it is aimed at me, and depends on where it is placed.

3. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
I’ve never passed out. That could be the problem.

4. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
I’m hiding in your shower now. Find out!

5. What did you do today?
Nothing worthy of a better answer.

6. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower?
Yes, I’ve “brushed my teeth” in the shower, resulting in spilled “toothpaste”.

7. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
I’ve never had more than zero, so fuck off.

8. Have you ever thought about your death?
All the time. Yours too.

10. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?
I’d rather pay some whore, then never see her again.

13. Have you ever had stitches?
Yes. I’ve even left a few people in stitches, via jokes.

14. How long ago did you hug someone?
I cannot stand prolonged physical contact unless it’s martial arts.

18. Do you like the Red Sox or Yankees?
Neither. Don’t give a fuck about hockey.

19. What are you doing tomorrow?
Being a nigger for no money.

21. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
Yes, but I shouldn’t. They make more money than me.

22. Have you ever run over an animal?
Thankfully, no. But I would run over a torturer of animals, slowly, with their head under the wheels.

23. What’s your favorite cereal?
Cracklin’ Oat Bran, the old rough “loops”, not the new “smooth” ones.

24. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?
No, but I did have an Oreo with peanut butter “white stuff”. (My life is fucking fascinating, as no doubt, is yours).

25. What are you doing this moment?
A walrus under the desk is fellating me, I’m playing an accordion with my feet, my asshole is singing a Josh Groban song, my gut is being punched by an angry, non-talking gecko, my left sleeve is on fire, my elbow hurts from jacking off, my head is throbbing from a niacin/Scotch cocktail and my fingers are typing.

26.Would you kiss someone of the same sex for 100 dollars?
Sure, a peck on the forehead when freshly deceased (me not them) and if by ‘100 dollars’ you meant ‘2000’.

27. Where’s your favorite place to be?
Far away from the madding crowd.

28. What’s your favorite song?
Don’t have one. How about Linkin Park’s “Crawling”.

29. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
I drink both at once, let them fight it out. All while driving!

32. Have you ever climbed up a water tower?
No. Only down.

33. Have you ever been arrested?
Came close.

33. Do you dream in black and white?
I dream in smells. Last night I was chased by a banana until it tripped and fell in hot chocolate fudge…then I was chasing it.

34. Do you talk in your sleep?
Yes. I once said, “Go bite your own balls” (don’t ask, because I don’t know).

35. Do you snore?
Yes. She told me I snored because she was angry I wouldn’t fuck her.

37. Are you a redneck?
I’m a well-read neck. Hear Ye, Hear Yee Haw!

38. Funniest thing you heard all day?
Writing this.

39. Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face?
No. BTW, what the fuck are you “on”?

40. What are you afraid of?
Everything.

41. What does the 10th text message in your inbox say?
My penis could be even bigger (true) but then, so could the Goodyear Blizzle, my nizzle.

42. What does the 10th message in your outbox say?
Dear Sirs, I am already a millionaire and Nigerian King. So Fuck Off.

43. Do you like someone?
I guess so.

44. Do they know you like them?
No. “They” are married and I assume they wouldn’t care if they did know I liked them. And I assume correctly without testing the theory.

46. Can you recite the alphabet backwards?
“Tebahpla eht!”

49. Need to get something off your chest?
I’d like to get on her chest (#43) and those Viking-sized dough-orbs.

50. How do you feel about life right now?
I hate it, I hate god, I hate everyone else. As someone on the internet stated: “Satan is the True God and Father of Humanity.” Amen, my nigga. Amen.

yet another stolen survey

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

1.How old will you be in 3 birthdays?

It’s not the years in your life, it’s the life in your years! (If gay, change “years” to “queers”).

2. Do you think you’ll be married by then?

Not unless she’s 99, owns half of Florida, has a heart condition yet loves to hear me CRASH my cymbals.


3. What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months?

Being thinner or dead.

4. Who was the last person you called?

Lassie.

5. Have you ever played a team sport?

Yes. Masturbation.

6. Who was the last person to text you?

A ‘roid user, dumber than me but he gets laid more. To hell with him.

7. Who was the last person you hugged?

My dick.

8. What were you doing at midnight last night?

This.

9. What happened at 11:00 a.m. today?

The Universe exploded and reassembled and no one noticed.

10. How many states have you visited?

State of drunkeness, state of rage, state of confusion, state your intentions and never ask her to state her age.

11. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?

In Tallahasee, cashing in a winning lottery ticket.

12. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?

Bare socks.

13. When was the last time you cried?

I cried wolf 3 weeks ago, cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war last week, and have never seen The Crying Game.

14. What was the last thing you drank?

Liquid water.

15. Favorite ice cream?

The next one.

16. What is your favorite number?

Blue.

17. Whats your favorite colour?

13.

18. What Jelly do you put on your PBJ?

Depending on where I put it, grape or KY.

19. Do you like coffee?

Sure. I also like big tits, but not in the coffee, though the tits can squirt milk now and then and milk is good in coffee.

20. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?

I don’t wear glasses.

21. What do you drink in the morning?

Diet Mountain Piss.

22. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring?

Is my penis already inside her?

23. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?

Yeah, on the outside. <– that is (also) a perfect answer!!

24. Do you know how to play poker?

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. Alternate: “No, but if you hum the tune I might remember it”.

25. Whats so good about Fridays?

Nothing any more.

26. Any plans for this week?

Work a shit job to make someone else rich. Continue being a nigger @ work and coward @ the game of life.

27. Do you eat out or at home more often?

Both.

28. How big is your TV?

How deep is your love?

29. Ever stolen a street sign?

There’s a “Neighborhood Watch” sign in the closet.

30. Do you keep a piggy bank?

It got burned in a fire…now it’s a bacon bank.

31. What kind of camera do you have?

I have a picture of a camera.

32. Have you ever been in an ambulance?

No. Ambulance Armstrong: that’s a weird name.

33. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?

A shot glass.

34. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?

I prefer the wing seat…lots of airflow.

35. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?

You mean masturbate? sure.