Reviews of movie previews I watched with disdain

When I went to see Star Trek, I got hit with the endless stream of previews I’d hoped to avoid by showing up 10 minutes late to Wolverine.

I already knew Will Ferrell is a talentless asshole from his last 10 movies, so why make Land of the Lost? There wasn’t a single reaction from the sizable crowd to anything in the preview. The best “funny” line the morons who made this turd could come up with is, “Matt Lauer can suck it.” That wouldn’t be funny even if people knew who Matt Lauer is/was/whatever.

The preview for the new Terminator movie, now out and given awful reviews, also garnered no reaction from the crowd. I felt silly-assed for ever liking Terminator after seeing it. After the audio of what’s-his-face yelling at some poor shlub on the set was leaked two months ago I lost interest. Hey, Jerkoff: you’re a multi-millionaire actor and beloved Batman. No less than Ivanka Trump called you, “some kind of Adonis”. You don’t need to piss and moan over an honest mistake. People go to the movies to escape from asshole bosses yelling at them.

The only preview that got any reaction at all was the CG movie UP, which should’ve been called “The Old Jew’s Flying Balloon House”.

SkyJew* would also be a badass name for a movie, but it doesn’t yet exist. No one tell Will Fuckface Ferrell about SkyJew.

Thanks.

*(Apparently, the term “skyjew” already exists, as an anti-Semitic reference to seagulls! What a world, what a world).

Foo, you better RECOGNIZE! Speech recognition software

Dear blog,

While trying to install my old speech recognition program I discovered that Windows Vista has a built-in speech-to-text program.  According to the people that make Dragon NaturallySpeaking, the number one speech recognition software out there, the speech recognition program built into Vista is about five years behind technologically.

I’m a little disappointed with the arrival of 64-bit architecture computers, they’re supposed to already be able to understand speech quite sufficiently. While I’m speaking now my eyes are closed. It’s an unfamiliar feeling to speak to the machine instead of typing.

I figure I’ll just use this for Jack Kerouac-speaking nonstop stream-of-consciousness nonsense and worry about the punctuation later…just throw up a wall of shit like Jack Kerouac and say that everything I do now is stream-of-consciousness.

This technology is unfamiliar to me. Other than the punctuation, I’ve decided not to edit these words for clarity so that you might see the difference between speaking to the machine and keyboard work.

There’s always going to be some obstacle to writing. Understand that when the technology gets so badass that you’ll be able to hold a casual conversation with a computer, you’ll end up shooting the shit with a screen all night instead of writing, or telling it to write.

I’m a big fan of the Terminator franchise and the more I absorb that magical world of killer machines I realize that the machines are taking the wrong approach. The best way to exterminate humans would not be to declare all-out war against them but to fatten them up by doing every possible chore for them. Why, come to think of it, that’s kind of what we have going on now, isn’t it?

I imagine all the bizarre stories I’m going to make up to tell my friends’ grandkids about how everything was so primitive back in the early two-thousands.  “Nowadays you kids can be hyped up on 10 different drugs and speak as fast as you want and the machine will still get it all. Why back in my day we had to smoke marijuana to speak slowly enough that the computer knew what we were saying! Then you’d look up and see 30 pages of, ‘Manny owes me 10 bucks.’

“I’ll tell you one thing, boys, we’re never going to see even in your lifetimes, and that’s a computer capable of understanding what the hell women mean instead of what they say!”

So far I’m really enjoying this, the technology just gets better and better. Yes, I find that for me it’s better for me to close my eyes when concentrating on what to say next, because the technology is new and I’m a little too self-conscious, as if you couldn’t tell from this messy lot of words that have to be edited.

I’m going to stop very soon.

If you go to Amazon, you’ll find that all of the reviews about the speech recognition products end the exact same way: “How do you know this program works? I dictated this entire review!”

How gay.

Shroom Fail

Did shrooms the other day. Rather it was just one shroom, a bulbous stem. I ate him with a bite of chocolate.

Rather than go outdoors to “commune with Nature” I stayed right here online, my natural habitat.

In case anyone wanted to talk to me, I put up a picture of Shiva…

…but all Shiva did was waver slightly.

So I tried Summer Glau, the new Terminator…

Nothing. Finally, Kali…

Again, nothing!  A trifecta of disappointment! When the Blue gods and a sexy Terminator don’t have time for you, fuck it, go do something else.

I think people who boast of seeing wild shit while shroomin’ are as full of shit as the shit that shrooms grow in. I’ve done it a few times, and while it does affect your mood, other than a slight wavering I never hallucinated or saw anything fantastical.