Reviews of movie previews I watched with disdain

When I went to see Star Trek, I got hit with the endless stream of previews I’d hoped to avoid by showing up 10 minutes late to Wolverine.

I already knew Will Ferrell is a talentless asshole from his last 10 movies, so why make Land of the Lost? There wasn’t a single reaction from the sizable crowd to anything in the preview. The best “funny” line the morons who made this turd could come up with is, “Matt Lauer can suck it.” That wouldn’t be funny even if people knew who Matt Lauer is/was/whatever.

The preview for the new Terminator movie, now out and given awful reviews, also garnered no reaction from the crowd. I felt silly-assed for ever liking Terminator after seeing it. After the audio of what’s-his-face yelling at some poor shlub on the set was leaked two months ago I lost interest. Hey, Jerkoff: you’re a multi-millionaire actor and beloved Batman. No less than Ivanka Trump called you, “some kind of Adonis”. You don’t need to piss and moan over an honest mistake. People go to the movies to escape from asshole bosses yelling at them.

The only preview that got any reaction at all was the CG movie UP, which should’ve been called “The Old Jew’s Flying Balloon House”.

SkyJew* would also be a badass name for a movie, but it doesn’t yet exist. No one tell Will Fuckface Ferrell about SkyJew.

Thanks.

*(Apparently, the term “skyjew” already exists, as an anti-Semitic reference to seagulls! What a world, what a world).

The Dark Knight reviewed by meatlights

Saw The Dark Knight this afternoon. I would get a lot of shit for this if anyone actually read this blog, but Batman Begins is a better movie which I like the most between the two.

Or should I say, three.

To contain my Batcitement (going to see this film made me actually feel happy–such a rare and alien feeling) I bought the animated Batman movie Gotham Knight and watched it the night before.

Gotham Knight (which could also be called Batman 2.5) features 6 loosely connected stories, some referencing events of Batman Begins. It’s beautifully animated and well-written; any Bat Fan is bound to love at least two of the segments and enjoy the rest.

But back to The Dark Knight. Fanboys are claiming the role of The Joker drove Heath Ledger “insane” or pushed him over the edge….it’s an idiotic urban legend that’s taken on a life of its own and will probably be with us for decades. Ledger was no more made insane by this role than he was turned gay by Brokeback Mountain.

Is Ledger’s Joker Oscar-worthy? It’s a moot question due to the tragedy of the circumstances. I thought it was an excellent performance for a rather limited character. A better question would be “Does anyone give a shit about the Oscars any more?”

Aaron Eckhart’s Harvey Dent was equally good as was Gary Oldman’s James Gordon, and Bale, of course, IS Batman. I’m in the camp that thinks that Maggie Gyllenhal–so hot in her weird way–is an improvement over Katie “Xenu” Holmes.

With hundreds of extras running around, Gotham doesn’t have the dark, claustrophobic feel it did in the first movie and is therefore less of a “character.” That’s a minor gripe. The more serious (“Why…so…SERIOUS?”) problems I had with The Dark Knight were unfortunately recurring: its exceeding length, suspense build-ups that tarry and about halfway through all the characters are “endumbened” as they often are in horror movies, in order to move the story along. Without giving anything away, much of the Joker’s evil plans involve infiltration, but there’s a marked lack of checking and double-checking credentials. “Cop A” climbs into a vehicle with “Cop B” whom he’s never seen before and doesn’t think twice about it. It does get tedious, but as the box office shows, curmudgeons like me aren’t going to stop what may end up being the biggest movie of all time.

Until next summer.

Leave them wanting less

If you like Batman, you’ve probably already seen the new longer trailer for The Dark Knight. The marketing wizards have done an awesome job building hype. Fanboys and nerds are pleased and can’t wait. The trailer so far has had enormous impact, following the platinum rule to always leave them wanting MORE.

Fast forward to May ’08. You go to the theater a week after the movie finally opens. Everyone who’s seen it loves it. Burger King has the soft drink cups (collect all eight) and the toys (collect all eighteen, now or a week later on ebay). You try not to overhear people talking about it, though at your age there are few surprises. You know the story, you’ve seen it thousands of times. There will be a lone hero or heroes and villains galore, victims and extras caught between warring sides. There will be explosions and grand special effects, thanks to the Computer. The hero will confront an inner obstacle as dangerous and daunting as the crazed villain roaming around. A damsel will be in distress, though in these politically correct times she will also be falsely depicted as a tough, kick-ass fighter who even gets a few shots in but the villain is simply too strong. Near the end, justice and maybe happiness rarely seen in real life will appear on the screen. Nerds will endlessly debate every aspect of the experience, right down to the cupholders in the seats. Serious nerds will be furious at minor details not mirroring the historical accuracy and realism of the comic book. Six months later, in time for Xmas ’08, the people who LOVED the movie will buy the DVD while the nerds who HATED the movie will buy the DVD.

I’m telling you all this which you already know because what you’re going to have to learn on your own is, the only Moment you really have is NOW. It’s a pompous, Zen-sounding statement, but it’s true. You don’t have tomorrow and you certainly don’t have the past. All you have is this Moment.

You can’t simply read these words and understand…I’m barely understanding it Now (ha ha). You have to die millions of times before it starts to really sink in: the more you live in the moment, the more of you exists in that moment. The past and future will rob you less and less, and you won’t fear the next Moment.

You’ll simply Be.

Translated from the dojo:

Every moment has the potential for the Enlightenment we seek.

You’re probably wondering what the hell Batman has to do with any of this. Long ago I decided to hold off on suicide before seeing the huge summer event that was the first Batman movie (1989).

I saw it and it sucked. You saw it and said it was, “really good”. You now have my permission to admit it’s boring as hell. Keaton was a lame duck, the batsuit was stiff and Nicholson couldn’t be in every scene (merciful when you realize how gay he was).

“Weird” director Tim “Beetlejuice” Burton had no sense of timing or pace. The whole world had to sit through his artsy-fartsy navel-gazing and showing off Gotham sets instead of seeing more ass-kicking adventure. Who the fuck pays to see Robert Wuhl go on and on in a newsroom?

I liked Batman Returns much better, though it’s also a grand mess.

Oh, so anyway, since ’89 I’ve always used upcoming movies as excuses to keep me from suicide. As I learn with glacial slowness to live “in the Now”, it might be possible to wean myself off of Hollywood Hope. It really won’t matter if I do or not. I have to go on living at least until May ’08. Breathe easier, friends. Breathe easier.