MRS. SIMS? May I call you JENNY?

Start with this gem, an ad for TV Guide which I NEVER GOT TO SEE when it was running all those centuries ago. I agree with the many commenters who wished this was a real song.

S.K.U.M.

——————-

There are only two commercials I have never found in all my years of wasting time online. It’s possible they’re part of collections of commercials from different eras people have put on youtube.

The first is an infomercial-quailty commercial for a specialized cutlery set that “carves” foods into objects, including a watermelon whale, beautiful egg people and the excitement in the announcer’s voice reaching an hysterical climax:  “THE COLORFUL JOLLY HEN!”

A lot of people probably remember the Colorful Jolly Hen, but it has scant references online, two, I think.

The other impossible-to-find commercial is by AT&T, for a new feature: CALL BLOCKING.

Just press *67

Here’s the commercial from memory:

SCENE: Obsessive argyle-wearing NERD on a landline: (whiny voice) I love you, etc., you can’t stop me, I’ll keep calling and callng and calling…

A HARRIED HOUSEWIFE takes the phone away from her ear and punches * 6-7. At his end the NERD vanishes with an audible pop.

AT&T voiceover guy introduces the new feature: CALL BLOCKING.

Pushy SALEPRICK in cheap suit: MRS. SIMS? May I call you JENNY?

AT&T voice explains how to use *67

SALESPRICK: So how many of my fine products would you like?

The HOUSEWIFE hits the code and the SALESPRICK vanishes like the NERD.

AT&T voice wraps it up.

Now, the best part:

CUT TO: An 80s ROCK REJECT with hair like Pauly Shore sits with his feet on his desk in his room. Behind him on the shelves. among other things, sits a “morning star” mace. A two-string guitar CHORD fiddles in the background. 

ROCKER (sounding like a New Yawk wiseguy) HEY-AYYY! Ya DAUGHTER THERE?

The HOUSEWIFE lets him have it.

It’s possible these lost commercials are hidden in compilations of late-90s commercials people have put on youtube. Drop a line if you find or remember them.

Until then:

YEAHHH!
We’re coming, we’re coming
we’re coming for your young
we’re coming, we’re coming
screaming at the top of our lungs
screaming at the top of our lungs
SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUUUUNNNNGS….