The Bed Effect

Sis brought the greatest gift of all this year. No, not Xmas cheer, Xmas Cannabinizzle my rizzle.

Good shit. Rolled, filtered marijuana cigs from the Commiefornia State legal “pharmacy” (gourmet shrooms too, but those are for later and not from the State).

I was sober when Sis and I ventured out to shop. I didn’t like the thought of her going alone to a mall at 11PM (as in “all” female brains, Sis’s compassion module takes up an extra slot where common sense goes…the reverse being true for men) so I went along as bodyguard/Big Bro.

What you see below was bought under the influence of whatever the hell she was on…not cannibizzle but hyper-caffeine (she wouldn’t shut the hell up). We found it in the “As Seen On TV” section of the non-ironically named drugstore.

Notice how the hyper-gay-looking boy on the box seems a little too excited for anyone’s good, then realize the whole product, box and all, is useless and insane. BED EFFECTS. You mean, there’s a whole line of products out there to pimp one’s bed?

I love LEDs but this thing is just…WTF. For 5 bucks it would’ve been cool, but they wanted $15 and got it…from Sis.

Like 99% of things in life, the pimp strip was a con. The LEDs are all white don’t change colors. See the small type: “changeable gels”. You have to manually put the half-tubes of colored flimsi in place to switch colors. Here we put two gels in it, thus it is dim.

The “wacky” curve in the thing is probably to keep fat cats from using their own homemade gels. Xmas, treachery is thy name.

A preemptive rant

Might as well get this in early, since the closer we get to X-day the less relevant the rant:

 

 

FUCK XMAS.

 

Hell yes, I’m one of the Xmas haters! If you’ve read my stuff you already guessed this rant will be harmonious with the overriding hatred-of-everything theme around here.

Xmas is just buying crap for yourself through other people. Too often it’s crap you would never buy for yourself, so you have to pretend you care about the lack of thought that went into it. I hate wrapped gifts, cause then you have to feign surprise on top of disappointment. Give me a portable x-ray machine this year so I can be prepared.

Xmas is unnecessary. Living in America, we can get just about anything we want at any time, including non-seasonal fruit. To counter this obvious point, stores on Black Friday have been slamming prices to the mat like pro-wrasslin’ midgets, turning Best Buy parking lots into wealthy squatters’ camps.

December is my favorite month. It’s cool and cold but usually not freezing where I’ve lived most Decembers. Even if my birthday was hidden in some other month, I would still love the word “December”. I’d name my daughter December if I was ever going to have kids (I won’t). But Xmas vomitus overshadows the glory of the month itself.

The whole fucking thing stinks. If you hate Xmas as I do, you agree. If not, so what. Most people cherry-pick what they like about the hellidays, just like they do their religions. I’m not condemning them, it just is.

FUCK XMAS SIDEWAYS! Asshole Santa agrees: