Email to a potential suicide

Dear ____,

I read your ‘have a potato’ email.

If the specter of suicide is that close, I respectfully request you please put in your will a gift to me of US$1000. I promise I will use the money to fly to visit ______, then onward to San Diego, where I will cross the Mex-Sicken border and drain balls as many times in the whorehouse with whatever of the $$$ is left.

Setting aside a little dough for me is more important than leaving it to bald, sick kids who will die anyway or some hippie nature preserve that will use the dough to buy weed. My happiness is more important than Mother Earth’s, and though I’ve suffered long and you have suffered longer, if you end it now, I’ll STILL be suffering while you’ll be at peace.

At least for a little awhile.

You probably don’t know or care about God/the gods, but THINK: with as much trouble and hassle as life is, do you really think death will be an escape? Would the Gods of Torment, IRS and DMV really allow such an easy escape route, like an unguarded vent cover in the secret base in a James Bond movie?

All right, you have my two cents. In exchange I would like US$1000 in the will, please. It will give you something to do, and you can leave the earth knowing you passed along some hope and courage and bought vagina. Good karma, man! You will be happy one day in this life or the next but it’s up to you.