Smallville: Review of Season 9 Premiere and Episode 2

Since last we spake of all things Smallville, the season premiere of Season 9 has come and gone: “Baby” Zod introduced, Tess the not-quite-hot Lex replacement reintroduced, Chloe weepy, Lois flummoxed, Green Oliver shirtless. And, of course, Kal-Neo with the black trenchcoat. To my surprise, early on in the plot there was a brief argument with Jor-El (The Useless) about flight, which the writers are setting up to be something of a reverse-impotence problem: whenever Clark thinks of Lois he can’t get it up, or rather, he’s never gotten it up. There’s even a throwaway scene where Clark leaps from the Statue of Liberty and plummets (the outcome is never shown so we can assume he went straight into the ground).

Most of the show was TIVO chow, that is, filler and needless exposition, but that’s true of most shows. The Kryptnonian Ninja-Girl who looked like a rip-off of a Mortal Kombat character made little sense. In the “sky train” she and Lois trade blows but later on KNG is seen using heat-vision. Well, does she have The Powers or not?

KNG introduces an extra minute or so of hot barn combat that comes free-of-charge with every Season Premiere. It was pleasing to see Clark FINALLY kicking some ass/holding his own after ninja-girl uses blue K to temporarily strip his powers. Before exiting stage left KNG warns Clark that he betrays everyone ‘one year from now’. Even Marty McFly had the good sense to write a goddamned letter explaining WTF is going on; just seems like common sense for any time traveler to have a ready explanation DVD or other media for when she meets herself, knowing she might be killed or knocked out on arrival.

Ah yes, I almost forgot, the most magical MacGuffin of all, the Power Ring which can alter entire plotlines in a single bound, and which in future eps will no doubt be used to bring Jimmy Olsen back and possibly even Lex.

The scenes with “Baby Zod” were all right, Callum is trying his best. The best thing about Zod and Friends are those Kryptonian army dog tags they wear, which I hope the WB has the good sense to make and sell to many nerds such as me.

“Special Guest” Brian Austin Green I’ve saved for last because his character runs right into the second episode, where he, as John Corbin, mysteriously becomes Metallo. It’s a mostly useless, predictable transformation, using the absurd and totally fake-looking CG hit-by-a-speeding-bus effect. Corbin awakens not knowing how or who or why he suddenly has a kryptonite heart (in case he seems too sympathetic, writer laziness also has the kryptonite affecting his brain to make him ‘eviler’).

Actually, 9-0-2-1-Metall-0 makes a surprisingly strong case against Clark and his meddling. Turns out Clark saved a busload of prisoners from crashing…except one escaped and raped and killed Corbin’s sister. To Corbin (and me) Clark is ultimately responsible for this negative outcome. It may not be right, it may not be fair, but godlike powers = godlike blame. Now we all know Superman doesn’t kill, but given the choice between saving a runaway bus loaded with rapists and killers blessedly heading for a tall rocky cliff of taxpayer savings or rescuing a kitten from a tree 100 miles away in the other direction…

Smallville Season 9 is off to a better-than-average start, but before anyone gets a big head over at the CW, let it be known when I mention the very name Smallville, almost universally the response is, “Wow, is that still on?“

The witty primer to this Season 9 ep review can be found here.

Giving away Nobels like condoms in elementary schools

Right on the heels of The Obamessiah’s Nobel Prize, I too awakened to discover this…

I’m still in shock at winning. But I shouldn’t be, as I was already Time’s Person of the Year in 2006.

Oh wait, I almost forgot!

Hey, let me be the first to congratulate you. Be sure to bring your Nobel Prize to any participating Arby’s for $3 off.

BONUS VIDEO: Steven Crowder presents: I GOTS’ A PEACE PRIZE!

Who will hold the nail while I hammer?

The United States of Red China

In response to this post, today we have bob:

I like china they will rule the world and take what they want. They have learned from the best , America. Time for America to move over and admit they are becoming a second class debtor nation whoring to everyone and pimping their children to world corporations. In the heart of every American is an Asian waiting to be reborn. American political system and the pimp whores who elect these politicians deserve third world status. America the Banana republic land that I love stand beside her and guide her with a light in the night from china.

bob’s rant arrives on the heels of the Empire State Building lighting up with the colors of China’s mass-murdering regime.

For those who want a logical, elementary explanation as to why the Empire State Building honoring Red China is a travesty and obscenity, read this column.

For more in-depth of China’s offenses against the USA, go here.

Well bob, unlike you, I don’t like China, their government anyway, but the challenge in trying to explain why a communist government is evil is useless to anyone who’s been indoctrinated in American government schools, which gloss over America’s achievements while highlighting only the bad, and downplay the dangerous failures of other countries, like drug-addicted and genocidal Mao Zedong’s “Cultural Revolution.”

As liberal hero Joesph Stalin said, “Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.”

That’s why for liberty to stay, government schools must go.

Stalin also said, “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a statistic,” which is why throwing numbers like 70+ million Chinese murdered over 60 years will have no effect.

You’d never know it from America’s chickenshit state-run media but “The Obama administration made history on Sunday September 20, 2009 for allowing the communist government of China to raise their national flag to celebrate the 60 year anniversary of the birth of the totalitarian communist regime that enslaves over 1 billion people in China.”

For electing a commie to the presidency, Obama voters deserve their own flag:

Quoticle – Especially in 2009

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

~Marcus Aurelius

‘Surrogates’ coulda been a contender

Surrogates is standard sci-fi action fare, so much so I’m not going to bother reviewing the plot. Bruce Willis is always likable, the limited action was decent, but I’ll be damned if I saw where they blew 80 million making it.

I’d never really thought about the possibilities presented by Surrogates: rather than having the entire world live in a computer simulation via the Matrix, turn the real world into a Matrix of sorts by having people cocooned at home, experiencing life via uplinked neural connections to androids that are perfect-looking idealized versions of themselves (or anyone else).

It’s a great idea for dangerous work (such as war) or play (extreme sports) but for everyday use seems kinda dumb. Why the hell would you pay for a younger, more fit robotic version of you to go to an office and sit in a fucking cubicle every day? That would mean you’d still have to dress and maintain your unit (ha) plus transport it.

I would hope by 2017 telecommuting is the norm. That and fuckbots.

Surrogates dabbles in these ideas but doesn’t take them far enough. Like the Matrix sequels, there’s a great story here waiting to be told, but the one we got wasn’t it.

Vermin Polanski aka Druggy the Child Rapist

The less said about this turd the better.

I thought he was “safe” as long as he stayed in France and/or out of the States (apparently so did he).

Why drag him back to the US for “justice”? Wouldn’t it have been easier to just shoot him in the head? The Swiss like things with holes in them.

Certainly not all, but plenty of hollywood scum are rallying around this guy like he’s some kind of martyr.

“The reality is that a bunch of mostly self-righteous secular jews are upset that a fellow jew, who just happens to be a convicted criminal, has been arrested. They know anti-semitism when they smell it. They can’t see why else a brilliant jew who drugs and anally rapes a 13-year old girl needs to be held to account.” — Tanstaafl

If only Manson, Dahmer, Gacy and this freshly-deceased turd had made arty movies perhaps they would also be martyred like Druggy the Child Rapist.

Lovable Grandmother Not Tasered Enough

Madam, you’re a fucking liar and a scumbag. You don’t deserve a red fucking cent, and if the Texas bacon is stupid enough to offer you 40 grand for being a total asshole, they ought to charge you double that for the electricity used to put your rudeness in its place. Fuck you.

While we’re on the subject, why should I give a shit that the perp is old and/or a woman? Where’s that EQUALITY the egalitarian shit-for-brains are always whining about? DOUBLE fuck you.