Star Wars Crapisode VIII

Well my nigs, if The Phantom Menace was a disastrous date with a beautiful stranger then The Force Awakens was date rape. After seeing the latter I was extra-pissed at having to buy the ticket in advance, in a theater with assigned seating. Never again.

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Last Jedi you already know it’s going to be a bad clone of The Empire Strikes Back. What gave it away? The snow fox, a still frame of a line of parked AT-ATs, and knowing Disney won’t take risks.

I don’t care about any of the characters, new or old. Rey is a poor replacement for Luke. Whether she turns evil or not makes no difference.

Hamill has said he entirely disagrees with the direction they took Luke. My guess is he won’t even leave Irish Island or wherever the fuck he’s hiding until Crapisode 9.

If Finn had been White, you would wonder what his character is even doing there. Same for the new X-wing pilot, who has scenes outside the cockpit yet is less memorable than Wedge or even Porkins.

The trailer also implies that Leia just stands in place on the bridge of a ship while her jug-eared, tantrum-throwing Vader-wannabe son locks missiles on her. TFA did nothing with her character, now she’s CG and it makes no difference.

Anyway, that’s that.

 

 

Prediction-y Guesses for Star Wars 7

I don’t like the subtitle.  “THE FORCE AWAKENS” promises some stupid shit/tampering with the Force concept, just like midichlorians.

Yoda, Darth Vader, Emperor, Boba Fett will all be in it: oh, c’mon, these guys ARE Star Wars. They’ll be back in dreams / flashbacks / computer holofiles and they sure as hell will be back as TOYS.  (Yaay!)

Slow-motion lightsaber shit: rehashing of specific and popular violent special effects of the last 10 years, particularly the slowed-to-a-crawl-then-sped-up attacks from 300.  I also expect the ‘lightwhip’ to show up. If you don’t know what that is, congrats on having a life.

Droid’s Eye View: we get to see how R2 and 3PO see the world.  Do info and numbers run across their viewports like the Terminator’s?  Who can know?  Or care?  Besides me?

Android: Droids that look exactly like humans (at least one).

Jedi Wookie: there is one in the novels (though the novels are being ignored) and it would be cool; (don’t kill Chewie, either.)

Planet(s) will die: the director destroyed two planets already in Star Trek.  All bets are off.

Superweapon Mania: if it’s not Death Star 3.0 it will be very close to it, or multiple smaller Death Stars.

THE ARTIFACT:  Hitchcock called it the McGuffin, either way it’s an object to build a movie around.

Endless chase scene:  a battle to end all battles that starts in space, goes to atmosphere/sky, then ocean/swamps on speeder bikes, then….

Tatooine: it’s expected.

Dagobah: someone else has to visit THE CAVE to foresee the plot of Star Wars 8

Hoth: maybe.

Endor: no.

The Jedi Academy:  very likely.

References to anything prequel-related: present but hopefully extremely limited

A subtle insult to George Lucas for “ruining” Star Wars with the prequels and endless tampering with Eps. 4-6: we can only hope.

Darth Maul:  probably not the actual Darth Maul, but a Zabrak, the alien race Darth Maul was/is.

Jabba the Hutt/Hutts:  probably not the actual Jabba, but a Hutt, the alien race Jabba was/is.

Losing more limbs: heroes will be losing limbs and getting robot limbs.

Offspring of Luke or Han/Leia turning to Dark Side: likely, if there is no Sith element, this, will be…this…will be…

Sith: 80% likely to appear, 100% via “holocron.”

Death of Jar Jar Binks: this is more of an intensely strong suggestion than prediction. Having Jar Jar die a horrible, fiery (but “heroic”) death would add an additional half-billion to what will likely be the first movie to top 2 billion dollars.

Politics: I pray the story stays just that: a story from, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….”  

Fans/nerds will be reading shit into it and seeing things that aren’t there no matter what, so PLEASE no “hard-hitting” fucktarded messages about saving the environment, bullshit global warming, the evils of greed (Hi Disney), etc.

PRE-PLANNED FAN RAGE:  the creators will deliberately fuck up something sacred to enrage fans and then leak it early, which will in turn provide millions in free advertising.